How To Talk To A Porn Star (Or Any Other Hot Person) Without Being Creepy

Speaking as someone who works as a journalist in the scene, let me give you some advice.

So, I’m writing this as I relax after Exxotica NJ’s Saturday. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s one of the largest adult conventions in America. Exxxotica holds a very special place in my heart. It’s a place where I can actually hang out and see old friends, talk to people, and also get more material to report on.

Besides, like, this convention is ridiculously fun. You actually have to try to not have fun here. It’s that wild. The vibe is accepting, the people are great, and oh yeah, there is always the chance that you could get laid.

Knowing all this and the love I have for my performer friends, I feel like I need to offer some advice. Almost every porn star I know has run into people who have, for lack of a better term, creeped them out or made them scared.

This is true for both women and men in the industry. (And enbies, too!)

If you are struggling to talk to a hot person or just want to chat up a porn star like a pro, here are my tips. It’s really not that hard.

First, discern whether or not they are actually open to chatting.

I’ve seen a lot of adult film stars who were so tired by the end of Day 1, they were practically falling asleep in their booth. Doing conventions is brutal, especially if you are a major name or working with your manager right over your shoulder.

If you are chatting up a person, the last thing you want to have happen is be the guy hounding someone who doesn’t want to talk right then and there. If you see them looking at you, rather than away, that’s a good sign.

If they seem busy or upset, leave them be. The last thing they want to do is be told they need to talk to you.

Second, don’t stare.

Please. Please don’t stare at hot people. I know it’s hard. Like, really hard for some folks. Staring looks really weird and makes people feel objectified. Most porn stars are used to stares, but that doesn’t really mean they’re okay with it.

Look into their eyes regardless of what they are (or aren’t) wearing.

Third, please for all that is holy, DO NOT TOUCH RANDOM PEOPLE.

This happened at one Exxxotica I went to, and I saw security swoop in. Say what you will about the crazy stuff you might see, but security at this convention has always been top-tier.

The moment you grope or grab someone without permission is the moment you have turned into a creep. Ask first. If they say no, don’t pout or try to argue with them.

Try not to go from 0 to 60 when talking about sex.

Actually, I’d go so far as to say that you might want to avoid sex talk until you get a very clear indicator that they are interested. Porn stars, models, and very good-looking people get tired of people seeing them as a sexual fantasy.

If you’re talking to a sex worker, the last thing they want to hear is more stuff about their work. I mean, could you imagine talking about nothing but accounting to an accountant on a date? You’d be the world’s most boring date!

The worst thing you can do is continually jam sex as a topic in conversations. It makes the person you’re talking to feel devalued, objectified, and gross. This is true, even if they are sex workers, people!

Getting too sexual too quick is a great way to become creepy in the eyes of the person you’re talking to. Wait until you’re at least on a date — and wait for them to actually show interest in you in that way.

If you’re not sure whether they’re into you, ask them if they want to take things further.

Please avoid telling them that they look good. (Do this instead!)

I hate that I have to say this, but most good-looking people know they look good. If they model, looking good is their job. Most people think that this is a good compliment to give, but it’s not.

The truth is that people who are unusually good-looking tend to hear it a lot…like, a lot. After a while, it gets to be annoying and boring. It also tends to insinuate that you only care about their looks, which is really objectifying.

A better way to compliment them is to compliment something that they actively chose or did. For example, a really quick way to compliment wisely is something along the lines of, “Oh, I love that dress! Where did you get it?”

Need another example? If they are eating something you enjoy eating, say, “Oh! Fellow Chipotle fan! Yeah, their bowls rock.”

The worst thing you can do is tell them they look good, then bristle if they don’t react well. It may seem like they’re complaining about a compliment, but it’s actually because they feel like you are being superficial and objectifying them.

Do ask them about themselves, hobbies, and thoughts on topics.

I don’t know a single human being who doesn’t like to talk about themselves. Most people who are very hot, especially women, don’t get to do that a lot. They often end up with guys who talk about themselves.

If you are at a porn convention and are genuinely curious about it, ask them how they got in the industry. I know a lot of people who got in through a wide range of different ways. If I remember correctly, Kenzie Reeves was actually discovered at a porn convention!

If you aren’t sure how to strike up a chat outside of the booth area, ask for help from someone you want to talk to.

Let me tell you a quick tip from a guy who I saw pick up absolutely gorgeous women: come up with an excuse. Look at your phone and say, “Hey, my friends are supposed to show up soon. Is it okay if I wait with you here?”

Then, just talk to them about the convention. Ask them which booths are their favorites, who they are there to see, and then ask their name. Let them talk. If they keep their answers short, smile and excuse yourself.

Feeling a vibe? Give them your Instagram or phone number, then tell them to text you if they feel like it. Don’t ask for theirs. Give them the opportunity to say no without saying no.

It’s simple and works well. At the very least, you get to talk to them and you show some social awareness.

Remember that they are just human.

A big issue people have when they see someone who is incredibly attractive is feeling intimidated. That insecurity is one of the fastest ways to kill a potential relationship. In fact, if you do date a person who is way more conventionally attractive than you, this can also ruin a relationship with them.

I want you to remember that this individual poops, pisses, and farts just like the rest of us. They have bad days where they cry, wail, or vomit everywhere. Chances are, they may have smelly body parts you aren’t into. They also may have personality flaws you don’t like.

I can assure you that they are humans with flaws, just like you. Somewhere out there, they have an ex that can’t stand the sight of them and a person who detests them. So, stop thinking that they are perfect. Take them off that pedestal.

You don’t know what they see in you, either. For all you know, they might want a “mere mortal” who just treats them well and sees them as people. That can be unbelievably hot when everyone just sees them for their looks.

Approach them like you would a friend you never met before. They’re your equal. The best way to approach anyone who you are interested in is to greet them like an old friend you haven’t seen in years. You’d be surprised at how well you will be received.

Finally, know how to excuse yourself or take a no.

Have you ever had to verbally reject someone? If you have, then you know it’s brutal. It hurts to do, because you know how they are going to feel hearing it. You might also be worried about how they’d react since people tend to fly off the handle when rejected.

Porn stars (and most hot people) dread having to reject people, especially outright. Don’t be the person who doesn’t take no for an answer or doesn’t pick up on cues. If you notice a lull in the conversation or the individual looking away from you, excuse yourself and leave.

After that, it’s fair to just let them steer the conversation or resume it.

Learning that no means no is vital. One guy who was ejected last year would approach random people who presented female and ask to shoot porn with them. When girls would say no, he would try to argue with them. It got to the point that he actually sketched out women enough to warn the bouncers — and that’s how he got booted.

Don’t be that guy. That guy was creepy, because “creep” means you keep trying to push boundaries in a sexual way that people are not okay with. By just excusing yourself and walking away, you avoid being a creep.

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