How to reach out to someone when you’re living with depression
They say that a problem shared is a problem halved. But how can you speak out when your voice is gone?
I’ve been scared of my illness for a long time. I’ve gone around hiding it in corners, burying it under alcohol and bad relationships and wild behaviors that landed me in the hospital and drowning in emotional trauma I couldn’t comprehend.
I slapped on smiles and adopted fashions and mentalities that were so far away from who I am as a person that I completely lost myself at times and lost my ability to see that I was being controlled by my sickness.
I’m absolutely terrified of my mental illness, but as hard as that was I still had to talk about it. It came to the point where it was speak or drown and I chose to speak, a process that took me days and months and years to come to.
According to the CDC, 1 in 6 adults suffer with depression in their lives. That’s more than 300 million people worldwide. Still, though, depression remains a misunderstood “taboo” that makes it difficult for people suffering with depression to speak out or seek help with their illness.
I was one of those people. For years, I suffered in silence, telling myself that I was just “being silly” and that “people had it way harder than me”. That may have been true, but it didn’t make me feel any better, and for decades, I trapped myself in this poisonous cycle that continued to undercut my self-worth day by day by belittling and devaluing my emotions.
Unfortunately, there’s still a great deal of stigma around depression and because of this we don’t reach out to our loved ones when we should. We get hung up on diagnoses and labels and start to think that our feelings don’t matter and that we’re not worth being helped in the first place.
We have to learn to talk about our depression and we have to learn to do it now. When we speak, we give ourselves the power the become our own champions, and only when we do that can we battle our way to freedom.
Signs it’s time to talk about your depression.
Here’s the thing about depression, sometimes it’s not always the right time to talk about it.
While you do need to reach out to someone when you’re feeling seriously depressed, you don’t always have to share what you’re feeling with the world. If you aren’t ready to share your feelings, that’s okay. You can hold on to them for a little while, but you need to know you’ll feel better once you’ve voiced them to someone you can trust.
There are a few signs, though, that it’s time to talk about your depression:
1. You struggle to concentrate, remember details or make decisions.
If the darkness going on inside your head is starting to make it hard for you to concentrate, remember important details or make crucial decisions, then it’s time to reach out to a professional or someone you love.
Feeling down can leave you a little distracted, but missing out on big things that matter in your work or professional life is a dangerous sign. If you’re feeling like your brain is in a haze and you just can’t do it anymore, pick up the phone an call someone or make an appointment with a licensed professional with patient reviews you can trust.
2. Insomnia.
As adults, we all suffer from a few sleepless nights here and there, but it’s not normal to suffer from it night after night.
If you’re suffering from early morning wakefulness or just find that you can’t sleep at night, it will have a major impact on your day-to-day function.
Professionals can offer you medical relief, but you can also find relief by just talking things out with someone you love. If that’s not enough, there are also natural remedies like melatonin, lemon balm and tart cherry, which can offer temporary relieve from some of the worst insomnia symptoms.
3. The loss of interest in simple things and the things you love.
When we’re depressed, we feel hopeless, lonely and empty. These feelings are often reinforced by negative self-talk and negative behaviors which drive us further down the spiral.
These persistent sad and empty feelings make us believe that things don’t get better and they can make us lose interest in the things that we once loved.
When you start to lose passion for the things that once interested you, it’s time to speak out.
Depression can cause you to lose libido, appetite and interest, which will only help drive you further into the depths of your depression. Our darkness often tells us that we need to pull back from these things to survive, and our exhausted bodies often agree. This is a self-defeating circle however, and one that can be disastrous to give into.
If you’re not seeing the point or the joy in life anymore, it’s time to find your spark again. That starts by reaching out to the world around you and making a connection with a piece of it. You don’t have to start with a professional, but you need to start talking soon. Reach out to someone you trust, not matter the distance.
4. You’re feeling suicidal.
There are few signs more critical than this one.
If you’re seriously thinking about suicide, it’s time to talk. Don’t let your darkness take you. What has it done to get you this far? Nothing. You are the one that got you here, do you deserve to be taken out by something like depression? No. You deserve so much more.
Taking risks or thinking about attempting suicide means you’ve come to the edge of the bridge. Wanting to hurt yourself is one of the hardest things natural instincts for your body to overcome, so if you’re here, things have gotten serious.
Don’t start thinking about putting your affairs in order and don’t start making and drastic moves. Take a time out and give yourself 5 days to brainstorm.
Sit down and make a list of people you think you could trust. List their pros and cons, see if you can figure out who could give you the most help in the least amount of time. You can reach out to professionals, to friends to family. Look for people who inspire the best in you and look for people who want the best for you — not people who facilitate your self-doubt and self-loathing.
You need to surround yourself with love so you can gather the strength to make that swim to the lifeboat. If you’re suicidal, you’ve come to the final stage of your depression. The ship has gone down and you’re fighting a suck-hole churning mess. There’s a lifeboat out there, but you need to gather your strength to swim for it.
That strength starts with others. Reach out and lean on the ones you love, chosen or otherwise. They want you to be better. You want to be better.
Be better.
How to reach out to someone when you’re suffering from depression.
Being depressed is scary and it’s even scarier when you know you have to share that darkness with someone else. It’s a circle of uneasiness and you can never be sure how someone is going to react if they don’t have a full concept of what depression is or how it functions.
You can make the process easier by taking a step back and taking some time to make a plan. You didn’t get here overnight and you won’t be able to get it all out in one night either. Make a plan of attack an make sure you’re sharing with the right people.
1. Decide if it’s the right time to talk.
The first thing you have to do is decide if this is the right time to talk for you.
If you’re experiencing the symptoms above, there’s a pretty good chance you need to reach out to a family member or a professional. You need to be comfortable with that, however, and you need to take your time doing it.
When you’re depressed, you’re fragile, and speaking before you’re ready can do more damage than good. Make sure you’re ready to talk, and when you do, do it in a neutral place that makes you feel comfortable and relaxed.
2. Be prepared.
Talking about depression isn’t any easier than going through depression.
Find the right person to speak to who is likely to be understanding no matter what you tell them. This could be a friend or a family member, a church official or a professional.
If there’s a lot going on in your personal life, reach out to someone who is removed from the situation, as it will make you feel more comfortable and at trusting. Health professionals, likewise, are a great way to get out what you need to say without fear of retribution or judgement.
Be gentle and take it slowly. Like I said before, your depression didn’t happen overnight. It was a process and talking about it should be a process too. Start small, perhaps by writing in a journal. When you’ve come to a level of acceptance with your feelings there, share your writing with someone who loves you.
Accept that some people will react differently. Not everyone understands depression and it can be hard to get inside the mind of someone who has been sick of a long time. Know that people react in different ways, but that doesn’t mean they love you any less.
If someone you tell doesn’t react helpfully, know that it is a reflection on them and not on you. When we’re sick, we can’t see a foot in front of our face, let alone use x-ray vision to see a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
3. Find your words first.
This is your experience and you are in control of how it goes.
Decide what you want to say before you say and take some time practicing how and where you want to deliver it. Your talk could be spontaneous, but make sure you take a second or two to gather your thoughts and share what you want to share. It can be done in letter or in email, just make sure it’s authentic and what’s really in your heart.
Say what you want and say it in a way that’s comfortable for you. Practice always helps, but our emotions aren’t always predictable and these things aren’t either.
Keep talking and don’t stop until you’ve found your voice. Have as many conversations as you need to and, if possible, try to think of a range of people you can share your feelings with. This will generate as much support as possible and also give you an array of advice that can help you find yourself again.
Be direct and don’t be afraid to share the worst of it. Only when we get to the bottom of the darkness can we really shed light on it.
Examples of what you could say:
“I don’t have the energy to get out of bed in the morning anymore. I’m overwhelmed and don’t even want to be social anymore.”
“I might get upset talking about this, but I need to talk. I need to tell you that I have depression.”
“This isn’t easy for me to talk about but I need to explain something to you…”
“I’ve been pretending things are okay, but there’s actually some pretty bad things going on and I’m not coping well.”
“I’m tired all the time and feeling like I don’t want to live anymore.”
4. Communicate what it is that you need.
If you’re not coping, say it, and then say what it is you think you need to correct that feeling.
You need to be clear about what it is you need (and don’t need) from the people you’ve recruited to help you. If you need someone to be more helpful than just listening — say so — and don’t be afraid to be specific.
Communicate as clearly as you can about what support you need. If you need your best friend to hold your hand while you call the hospital, do that. If you need them to hold you while you cry for 2 hours then tell them. Don’t sell your needs short.
Your needs might change over time. That’s okay too. Communicate those changes. People want to help you, but they can only do that if you’re explicit about those needs. Help others understand more about your depression or anxieties you may be feeling and remember that understanding can take time and more than one conversation.
Examples of what you could say:
“Can we talk? I’d like to keep this just between me and you.”
“I don’t need solutions. I just need someone to listen. Can you do that for me?”
“I’m not coping and I need help. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
5. Brace yourself for bad reactions.
Negative reactions can be difficult, but they can happen sometimes, even if the other party doesn’t mean to react poorly.
If you feel able to talk, speak to someone that has had a negative reaction to your feelings. Let them know how it made you feel and let them know how their reaction could have been more helpful for you.
Consider sharing with them the stats about depression and anxiety and how serious these illnesses really are, and don’t be afraid to educate them, so they can learn how to interact with you and others like you in the future.
Even if they do come to understand what you’re living with, go ahead and accept that it may take time for them to come to a full understanding of what exactly depression is and how it destroys lives. Continue to stay vocal and continue to share your feelings with them, so they can come to a greater understanding of what, exactly, it is that you’re struggling with.
Bonus: What if you have no one to talk to?
Not all of us are lucky enough to have someone to talk to.
When I moved abroad in 2014, I struggled with a severe bout of depression that just-so-happened to hit at a time when I was also extremely isolated from everyone and everything that I loved.
Fortunately, I was able to build up a support system pretty quickly, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes we just don’t have people to reach out to, and when it hits that point, it can feel like there’s nowhere else to turn but some pretty permanent solutions.
Think about the people that you have around you right now. Is there someone there who has shown you support in the past? The person doesn’t have to be a family member or a best friend. They could be someone like your boss or even a co-worker that has shown themselves to be trust worthy.
If there’s no one in your life that’s ever had a similar experience, or no one out there that you feel safe entrusting your feelings to, reach out to a local daughter or a mental health professional that can help get you back on track.
Talking to a doctor can often feel like the wrong option. They don’t know us. What investment do they have in making us feel better?
Their professional oaths.
Doctors are there to make you feel better. It’s literally their job and they take a sacred oath to do that no matter what. Professional can provide us with not only a neutral place to share our feelings, but real concrete solutions that can help us deal with our depressive disorders and anxieties without judgement.
Putting it all together…
Mental illness is hard, but it’s even harder when you suffer alone.
Gather your courage, and your words, and reach out to someone who cares. If you’re starting to lose your passion for life and are looking for ways out, it’s time to find someone you can share with so that you can get yourself back on track again.
Reach out to friends, professionals and loved ones. Search your feelings and find the words that work for you and don’t be afraid to share the pain that is bringing you down.
Remember: you’re a beautiful, original soul who deserves so much more than sinking to the illness that is depression. Reach out now before it’s too late. The world will love but you have to learn to love yourself first.
