How to take your power back from a narcissist

I wish I figured this hack out years earlier.

Background

I’ve not had any formal psychology training and can easily make an argument that most of the current DSM knowledge on narcissism is way behind and needs to evolve. Especially since narcissism is now becoming the third rail in mental health.

However, I am a cptsd survivor working on recovery from a malignant grandiose narcissistic parent, who also gave birth to a girl who later became my narcissistic sister.

I feel from life experience alone, I’m qualified to talk about this and tell you, there is no one size fits all where narcissism is concerned. Not to mention the spectrum of narcissism is far larger than most realize.

I also believe that cptsd survivors such as myself either gravitate towards narcissists or are a magnet for them, perhaps that’s two sides of the same coin. I suspect it’s from years of grooming and it’s all we know without seeking help, and finding good help for narcissistic abuse is not easy.

I’ve worked with a few therapists over the years, all good in their own way, but none of them had any clue about narcissism. The last one I worked with started to tell me he understood me because his mother was a narcissist. Equating his experience to mine was folly, especially with the way my broken mind works. He effectively gaslit me saying look at me, I’m fine, you should be too. I don’t believe that was his intention but it’s how I felt. I no longer see that therapist.

The hack

Both you and I need to stop thinking of these narcissists as “normal” people who can be reasoned with. Whether they can and choose not to, or they simply are not capable, is actually part of the mystery and ultimately part of the power they hold over you. Truth be told, that’s just noise and the sooner you can let this go, the closer you’ll be to freedom from their abusive behavior.

Here’s the hack and feel free to stop reading after this if you are short on time. From this point forward, whether the narcissist is your parent, spouse, sibling or boss, stop thinking of them as a person like you or I, because they are not, instead think of them as a predator. Yep, that’s it, whether they are covert, grandiose or some combination, they are all predators.

Don’t’ believe me?, read on

In the early stages when they are love bombing you or grooming you, they are very charismatic, appear reasonable, in your corner and often a great person to be around. But as mentioned, they are grooming you.

The turning point

From here they will soon turn to either torturing you mentally, emotionally and possibly physically as they believe they’ve got you figured out. Meaning they will rarely agree with you on any point again, even ones they previously agreed with you on, that’s the first stage of them gaslighting you.

From this point on the gaslighting increases to the point you’ll often find yourself questioning your own sanity and replaying every conversation over and over in your head. This is exactly the point of their gaslighting. It is now impossible to reason with them.

Or if they are really done with you they go for the kill as any good predator ultimately would. In today’s world they are not likely to physically kill you, one would hope. But they will cut you off without a second thought once you stop giving them narcissistic supply.

Don’t waste your precious time and energy wondering if they are thinking about you or how you might be able to fix things between you and them. Newsflash, you can’t!

Predator comparison

When a Lion is hunting in the Serengeti we don’t question it’s motives, we don’t wonder if it can be reasoned with and we certainly don’t lose sleep over it’s intentions, we know what to expect.

It is the same for narcissists, except they hunt for supply from you. Again, don’t waste your time and energy wondering about their motives or if they can be reasoned with, this only empowers them further and you’ll only drive yourself crazy.

Both the Lion and the narcissist will keep feeding until full and while the narcissists needs much more frequent feedings, it’s the same thing. You won’t hear or see from either of them until they are once again hungry.

When you think of them as a predator and stop ‘feeding them’, you’ve cut off their supply and defanged them. They will then likely terminate all communication with you and you are effectively dead to them.

This may be hard for you and you’ll always wonder what if, but don’t, they are a predator, remorse and empathy is not in their makeup or lexicon.

Soo many wasted years worrying

It took me many years to figure out why I could never “crack crazy” as I call it, but you can’t. The rules change moment to moment for them and it’s always in their favor. On the rare off-chance you might actually out smart and out logic them, they jump instantly into victim mode which has proven to be a really useful tool to regain power over you, it’s why they always fall back on it.

I was in my 40s before I finally figured out this simple perspective hack and instantly I was empowered to walk away from the two narcissists in my life. While it’s simple, it may not be easy.

I am not saying this will help you walk away from the narcissist(s) in your life, but trust me on this. Once you start viewing them through the lens of a predator, you instantly declaw them, effectively taking their power away and restoring it back to where it belongs, in you!

Lastly they’ll realize they have no power over you anymore, effectively ceding it back to you. This most often comes in the form of them cutting you off. It likely will sting when they first do this, but believe me when I tell you, it stings less and less with each passing day because you are no longer driving yourself crazy with the ‘what if” thinking.

For me, I no longer think of the two that were in my life as anything more than a distant traumatic memory. I’m still doing the work to heal, but I have long since stopped the bleeding as it were.

Conclusion

Worrying about them only serves to spin you (or me) into a tissy. Thinking of them as a predator is so liberating and in time, you can be free of them, at least on a mental and emotional level.

I hope this helps you, it wasn’t until I made this simple, but not easy mind shift change that I was finally able to seek the help I so desperately needed.

Documenting my stories is not easy but helps me and I hope it can help some other lost soul. Help me raise awareness for mental health by hitting that follow button and giving me a clap. Thank you so much!!!