How to Swim Your Way Out of Bad Love
Say “NO!” and make room for “YES!”
Years ago, I dated a guy. Let's call him Fred. He liked me better before and after we broke up, but during — not so much.
When we weren’t dating, Fred told me I was smart, creative, sophisticated, and beautiful. When we were dating, Fred told me I was crazy and not who he thought I was.
After we broke up, Fred romanticized me once more. Fred told our mutual friends I was the love of his life. Though, when he was dating the love of his life, he cheated on me with this gorgeous blond in town who ended up marrying an actor and moving to Hollywood.
The blond and I got along magnificently, but I would have liked knowing she was sleeping with Fred. I hate having less information in a relationship than the other person. I don’t need to know everything, but some details are deal-breakers.
I’m not judging the blond. I made plenty of weird selfish choices while floundering around the dating pool. But, in retrospect, it was tacky she always asked about how Fred and I were doing without telling me she was meeting him later in her bed.
Fred was also part of a weekly game night I wasn’t included in. I desperately wanted to go but I didn’t want to appear desperate, so I didn’t ask. I loved games, but Fred said it was important that we have our own hobbies. People don’t have hobbies in college. We’re not that bored yet.
During game night, another woman who was in love with Fred regularly tried to talk him out of dating me. I never confronted him and I was still friendly with the attempting usurper. I’m more of a duck and run for cover type.
I know what you’re thinking. Why were so many women in love with Fred? Was I deluded? It was how he smelled. Something about his pheromones made him the pied piper of college girls. I can still feel a rush from his intoxicating scent that gave Fred an unfair advantage in the laws of attraction.
After we broke up and he hiked me back onto the throne I occupied when we weren't together, I met his new girlfriend. I adored her. She was smart, cool, and I saw her at the pool where I did laps.
Sometimes, on the way to the pool, I’d catch up to her on the sidewalk.
“We should swim together,” I would say.
She would look at me incredulously. “NO!” she’d respond, edging away from me.
I couldn’t read the room. Each time I saw her on the street, I’d inch up and say, “Wanna swim together?” Every time it was the same horrified, “NO!”
Eventually, she relented. She admitted to me in the locker room she had no desire to swim with someone her boyfriend referred to as “the love of his life.”
“I wish you would have told me that earlier,” I said. “He couldn’t stand me when we were together.”
“Really?” she said, as we flutter kicked our way to the end of the pool.
“If he likes you while you’re together, “ I said, “you’ve got me beat.”
“Wow,” she said. “He really didn't like you?”
“No,” I said. “The only solace I have from that entire relationship is once my sister threw up on him on Christmas.”
She ended up becoming one of my dearest friends. Last summer I was visiting her and we were swimming in a huge outdoor lap pool. I trailed behind. She’s an incredible swimmer. I can never catch up.
As I languished in her wake, I realized what I loved about her. She didn’t pretend. She wasn't unnecessarily polite to people she felt threatened by. She knew how to say “NO!” I believed she was faster than me in the pool because she was not anchored down by bullshit and a vacuous but weighty need for approval.
When she finally decided to say yes to me, she’d already realized her relationship with Fred was over. Why not hang out with someone who liked her and begged for her company? Me.
When I think about the kind of person I want to be, I think about her “NO!” There have been hundreds of times in my life I wanted to say “NO!” but I cowered.
Now, when I think about old loves, I do not think about the man who propped me onto his false throne. I think of the woman who swam beside me and showed me that “NO!” means I don’t want you in my life right now. Why don’t you leave a message and I’ll get back to you one day or maybe never?