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Abstract

omething hard to process and often they are entangled in conversations with others before they have fully figured out how they feel about the situation.</p><p id="304f">More often than not, people going through exceptionally challenging circumstances often carry guilt of not being able to support and respond to their loved ones perfectly. They are carrying the guilt already, so maybe do them a favor and don’t pile more of it on them.</p><p id="fefd">However, your loved one’s need to be reactive shall pass. Your loved one’s lower energy shall pass. Your need to cut some slack shall pass — it is a crisis ask and will not be asked of you once normal life is restored. More than ever, at such a time, try to forgive them for minor misdemeanors if they failed to make you feel important or valued. It is a time for brief spurt of patience and forgiveness. Remember that they are operating at a less than 100% and for a brief, halting time in the history of your friendship, they might need more than they can give.</p><h1 id="bb10">Be okay with discomfort</h1><p id="ea10">No one has answers to the challenges and curve balls life throws at us. You will likely find yourselves in situations when you do not know what to say to a friend. If you can muster genuine empathy, you will find the words. Most importantly, it might feel uncomfortable because as they are navigating the situation directly, you are navigating indirectly.</p><p id="a9ac">Get comfortable with the discomfort because again, the situation is not about you and the situation is hopefully not permanent. Exceptional circumstances might call for exceptional attitude and one such attitude might be to be okay with the discomfort of not knowing what to say.</p><p id="977c">Whatever you do, if you can, do not make the situation about your discomfort. Potentially the last thing your friends need

Options

is to handle your discomfort above theirs</p><h1 id="7386">Be honest</h1><p id="31f5">If you do not feel genuine empathy for your friend and their situation, be honest. Take a step back. Words originating from a lack of empathy and lack of genuine care are likely to disrupt than improve the circumstance for your friend. Trust me, it is easy to spot genuine empathy.</p><p id="0b73">Maybe you just do not feel their pain, maybe you do not feel their situation is as tough, maybe you just do not have the patience or strength to deal with them at that time. If you cannot show up honestly, it is better not to show up. You might want to come across as a ‘good friend’ but in genuine crisis, only genuine communication helps. Anything other than genuine and empathy driven words is purely an act you are putting up.</p><h1 id="2a1f">Create safe and nurturing space</h1><p id="6c60">We are born as children who are taken care of by their parents. Suddenly we grow into adults without a blueprint of how things are supposed to work. Our need to be loved, understood and nurtured does not change with age. When you know someone going through a challenging time, find a way to make them feel nurtured and loved.</p><p id="d42f">You can help them feel accepted and a part of your inner circle by gestures as simple as letting them know how much they mean to you, to ensuring you catch up with them consciously. Remember that challenges bring with them uncertainty, fear and isolation. How would you want to be treated if you went through a tough period?</p><p id="82c3">Friendship probably starts at sharing common values and interests and jokes but sustains by continually communicating and showing up — especially when it gets really hard. If you cannot have the hard conversations, it is hard for any relationship to evolve beyond the superficial.</p></article></body>

How to sustain friendships in extraordinary times

Organizations have a crisis management plan for dealing with extraordinary scenarios such as cyber attack, natural disaster, etc. The idea is that a crisis calls for operating outside of ‘business-as-usual’ by implementing new operating procedures that would allow for the business to continue with minimal disruption and restore service.

So, lets apply this to friendships. Your loved one (a friend) goes through a crisis situation, or maybe multiple situations. The circumstances are not usual and standard operating procedures do not apply any more.

For your friend to continue without minimal disruption to life and restore normalcy, there is a need to put a crisis plan into place. You, as a close friend, are an integral piece to that plan. If you show up in the friendship with a ‘business-as-usual’ mindset, you probably failed to develop sufficient empathy for the crisis situation.

So what can personal crisis look like? Job loss, loss of a loved one, divorce, continual and relentless small challenges that do not seem to end — basically situations that are visibly distressing for someone you love.

Let’s talk about what a new operating procedure for friendship might look like and how you might like to show up.

Cut some slack

If your friends are going through a visibly difficult time, it might be okay to cut them some slack. Heightened reactivity on WhatsApp, increased spaces between responses, dissociation — it is not about you so stop making it about you. Your friends are going through something hard to process and often they are entangled in conversations with others before they have fully figured out how they feel about the situation.

More often than not, people going through exceptionally challenging circumstances often carry guilt of not being able to support and respond to their loved ones perfectly. They are carrying the guilt already, so maybe do them a favor and don’t pile more of it on them.

However, your loved one’s need to be reactive shall pass. Your loved one’s lower energy shall pass. Your need to cut some slack shall pass — it is a crisis ask and will not be asked of you once normal life is restored. More than ever, at such a time, try to forgive them for minor misdemeanors if they failed to make you feel important or valued. It is a time for brief spurt of patience and forgiveness. Remember that they are operating at a less than 100% and for a brief, halting time in the history of your friendship, they might need more than they can give.

Be okay with discomfort

No one has answers to the challenges and curve balls life throws at us. You will likely find yourselves in situations when you do not know what to say to a friend. If you can muster genuine empathy, you will find the words. Most importantly, it might feel uncomfortable because as they are navigating the situation directly, you are navigating indirectly.

Get comfortable with the discomfort because again, the situation is not about you and the situation is hopefully not permanent. Exceptional circumstances might call for exceptional attitude and one such attitude might be to be okay with the discomfort of not knowing what to say.

Whatever you do, if you can, do not make the situation about your discomfort. Potentially the last thing your friends need is to handle your discomfort above theirs

Be honest

If you do not feel genuine empathy for your friend and their situation, be honest. Take a step back. Words originating from a lack of empathy and lack of genuine care are likely to disrupt than improve the circumstance for your friend. Trust me, it is easy to spot genuine empathy.

Maybe you just do not feel their pain, maybe you do not feel their situation is as tough, maybe you just do not have the patience or strength to deal with them at that time. If you cannot show up honestly, it is better not to show up. You might want to come across as a ‘good friend’ but in genuine crisis, only genuine communication helps. Anything other than genuine and empathy driven words is purely an act you are putting up.

Create safe and nurturing space

We are born as children who are taken care of by their parents. Suddenly we grow into adults without a blueprint of how things are supposed to work. Our need to be loved, understood and nurtured does not change with age. When you know someone going through a challenging time, find a way to make them feel nurtured and loved.

You can help them feel accepted and a part of your inner circle by gestures as simple as letting them know how much they mean to you, to ensuring you catch up with them consciously. Remember that challenges bring with them uncertainty, fear and isolation. How would you want to be treated if you went through a tough period?

Friendship probably starts at sharing common values and interests and jokes but sustains by continually communicating and showing up — especially when it gets really hard. If you cannot have the hard conversations, it is hard for any relationship to evolve beyond the superficial.