Zombie Survival 101

How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

A (not altogether) fictional dystopia

You watch the world stage as the zombies of the rampant capitalistic apocalypse frantically rush to meet their quotas and increase the GDP. Hands grip steering wheels, heads bouncing while they listen to K-Fed, or grunt spasmodically in response to commentary by Mike Huckabee. Engines roar from interminable lines of vehicles snaking, day in, day out, ceaselessly around the globe.

While the zombies drove to their respective jobs (they hated them but still went) they would see people waiting tables through windows of little restaurants as they passed, or leaning over the open hoods of cars, or bent over, planting corn and peas within the fields. “Peasants!” they’d scoff, spittle spraying from their mouths. For the zombies believed that people who worked with their hands were low-class and less-than, they were part of the “dishonorable class.”

Arriving at work, arms outstretched, they loped and stumbled, perambulated and trundled; “more jobs”…”no unemployment,” they gurgled, red eyes bulging, teeth gnashing, then… “Coooffeeeee.”

And so their world was upside down and backwards. Their rivers were full of poisons, as was their sooty air, and they created food by mixing the genetics of plants and animals. They believed that the only way in which respectable people lived—for the zombies saw themselves as respectable people— was through the Four Noble Truths. These were 1) Education 2) Career 3) Marriage, and 4) Family. If you were concerned about the state of educational institutions just prior to the apocalypse, the problems were manifold. They’d become classist, based on standardized testing, discouraged free thought, happiness, and creativity, and indoctrinated acceptance of authority (which was a very bad idea at the time, because many authorities had already caught the zombie virus. Things got really bad when that started happening.)

The remaining three Noble Truths were not necessarily issues per se, however were rarely successful without appropriate levels of spiritual maturity and self-cultivation, which the humans had deeply needed at the time, yet disregarded. Plus, the Four Noble Truths had been enforced into law back then, and later, during the apocalypse, was part of the commandments of their beloved God ExxoNRA, who’s wrath fell upon all despised heretics, and so the zombies loved Him. All of these factors eventually turned most of humanity into zombies as they caught the virus. But the zombies had no idea any of that happened. They thought everything was fine.

GARF! They grumbled, KerFUNGLE! They shook their great bodies and yelled these words amongst themselves, which were meaningless; this was a political debate between their two-party system. In the time of humanity, debates like these often became quite heated, appearing much like this zombie system. But the zombies, in this one context outsmarted the humans of their day, for they were intelligent enough to know that they didn’t want anything truly fundamental to change, not really, especially not in their ways of thinking (which wasn’t to think at all). For they became easily confused, and even violent (even for zombies) when new ideas were presented at their beloved debates. Why, years ago they would grab at their own eyes and mouths and tongues and rip them from their own faces, only to throw them at the offending opponents. This was very inconvenient indeed! For then they couldn’t see or talk or go to work or anything! So the zombie heads of state decided it would be best to merely entertain their supporters and tell them what they wanted to hear, which was generally to keep things just the way they were, so they used those meaningless terms.

Yet the zombies did have some real words in which they made use within these debates. These were the words that every zombie knew, and they became excited upon their utterance. It was, indeed, their nationalist slogan, although it’s origins, during the apocalypse, became lost:

War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength!

All zombies loved this chant. They rejoiced in it. They rejoiced in their self-imposed enslavements, which they made in trade for material comforts and status. And oh, how they loved status! They loved fancy clothes, and fancy cars, and big houses, and tits and twerking asses! And most important of all, zombies craved the meretricious power that they felt in feeling superior to others. Oh yes, if there was anything that came close to orgasmic for a zombie, had that been possible…it was this.

After all, they relied on their sense of superiority, for this was the only feeling they had. In the days when they were human, they’d eaten away at every last bit of their psycho-spiritual health. They’d spent so much time glued to their phones, and depended so completely upon tech, that they’d completely lost their integrity and ability to take care of themselves. Activities like manual labor, growing food and connecting to nature, creative endeavors, and spiritual cultivation had all been looked down upon as folly and the activities and concerns of the dishonorable class. Making money was priority. It took all of their time and energy. The apocalypse, then, was inevitable.

If you are one of the few remaining humans who is watching all of this on the world stage, here’s a list of recommendations for you which may be helpful for you in order to avoid contracting the zombie virus.

1. Pay far less attention to politics on social media. See The Great Hack.
2. Ask yourself, is my job fulfilling and for the good of all beings? If not, quit your job and do something that you love that serves all beings.
3. Eat less meat and more veggies. See Reducetarienism.
4. Breathe, do yoga, meditate, drink lots of water, and always remember to dance! (At the very least, jump around as much as possible.) Playing is good for your brain.
5. Stop worrying. Turn to creativity to help reduce fear and anxiety. You cannot control all is happening. Learn to relax and let go.
6. Be sexual only if you truly desire to be so. Yes is yes. Maybe is no. No is no.
7. Tell your family, friends and loved ones how much you appreciate them.
8. Grow healthy food. Learn about edible mushrooms, herbs, and plants. Ask for help from someone who knows what they’re doing at first. I mean…don’t poison yourself.
9. If you own a house, create a rainwater collection system and put up solar panels.
10. Ride a bike as much as possible rather than automatically getting into your car to drive.
11. Be concerned more about the behaviors that are respectable than those that are respected (thanks for that one from Walden, Thoreau).
12. Learn how to make things in which you could trade and contribute with your community, like making clothes or your own healthy skin care products. You will likely need such abilities during the apocalypse!

*war is peace quote above is from George Orwell, 1984.