How to Survive in Tech By Somebody Who Has and Hasn’t

18 tips gathered over a 30-year career

I have been in tech for 30 years and I have seen and experienced it all.

These are known as famous last words of course because I am still in tech and I probably haven’t (seen and experienced it all). I should take my advice (as you will see later) and walk on with an open and curious mind. But I have been through a lot — a real lot — and as Elton John sang: I’m Still Standing.

I have worked for large companies and small. I have worked for the big names in tech and the lesser known. I have worked in many industries from finance to cars to music.

I have been an individual contributor. I have been a team lead. I have been a manager of people and products. I have worked in offices. I have worked remotely. I have worked in a distributed way across continents. I’ve had periods as a consultant. I have worked in diverse and non-diverse working environments.

I have taken voluntary redundancy once when I wanted it and once when I didn’t. I have been in two stock option programs and have not made a penny. I have reached the heights of praise and acknowledgment and the lows of critique and performance improvement plans.

I’ve been close to burnout and helped others with burnout. I’ve had spells of full energy and engagement. And I’ve had periods of “it’s just a job”. I’ve been overwhelmed, underwhelmed, and — well — just whelmed. I’ve brought my whole self to work, parts of myself, and completely hid. I have been meticulous about work-life balance and trashed it.

Yes, as I said, I have seen and experienced it all. And here I am. Still standing. So how did I survive? What have I learned about surviving in tech?

I’ll tell it from my experience as a heterosexual cis-man of mature age (not a very popular combination in these times I know but I am a deep thinker, highly sensitive, compassionate, and unconventional). But to balance it up and add other diverse perspectives, I have engaged 10+ of my colleagues from my long tech career. I’ll weave in what they told me when I asked them the question: What are your tips for how to survive in tech?

It ended up much longer than I had planned. But skim it, read it through in detail, read tips that you are drawn to, read it in several sittings — whatever you want. Not all of the 18 tips will apply to all — as I said, I am quite unconventional. But a decent amount should. Okay, here goes.

Have some kind of regular meditation practice

I put this first because I think if you want to survive in tech — you need this in place. You need this otherwise you are a slave to your chattering, self-judging, other-judging mind. It will bring you down. It will destroy you. And you need your mind for other more positive things such as problem-solving, deep thinking, and creativity.

Have you ever walked around with an angry mind all week and then when you come out of it you think to yourself: “I have wasted the whole week. I could have been contributing to a better world.”

I have done this. Many times. What a waste.

Having a meditation practice teaches you that the chattering, judgemental mind is not you. There is a deeper you that is spacious, calmer, and more at peace. By having a regular meditation practice, you start to become more familiar with this more spacious mind. And this gives you the perspective that you need. Not only that, but you will likely find all manner of fresh insights flowing out of that peaceful space. Insights that you can make good use of at work.

I’ve written about meditation a lot. Here’s my meditation list:

Maintain harmony in relationships

Next important I think is to maintain harmony in relationships. I’ve failed to do this several times in my career and nothing good comes out of it. Once I ended up in front of HR. Another time, I made it impossible for myself to stay at a company when I didn’t really want to leave. All times it results in a head full of conflicting thoughts. This, for me, is what stress is. I can manage loads of work, no probs. But disharmony in relationships — that’s what saps my energy and wears me down.

Do everything you can to maintain harmony in relationships with all your work colleagues: Peers, your manager, your manager’s manager, your direct reports if you have them. Everybody you work with.

But but but. What if I am right? What if the other is wrong? What if the other has done wrong? Somebody has to tell them, show them. Yes, perhaps. But it doesn’t have to be you who takes the fight. Let somebody else do it. You maintain harmony for your own sake. For your peace of mind. And your long-term mental health.

Strategic Customer Success Manager, Bianca Whitley had this angle on it:

My best tip for surviving in tech is making meaningful connections and good impressions with your peers, colleagues and customers. From my experience, the tech industry can be a small world so staying in touch with people you’ve got on with and helping facilitate new connections can really make a difference. You never know who you could end up working for or with!

Product Manager, Jason Palmer says:

The advice I have for mental health and success in tech is value and strengthen relationships with peers and don’t sacrifice that to climb a ladder.

Maintaining harmony in relationships or, as I call it, prioritizing peace of mind is easier said than done. I know. But there are tools.

I highly recommend Byron Katie’s The Work. I have written about it in depth here or just go to Katie’s (as she is known) website.

One last thing on this topic. There are certain situations where it is impossible to maintain harmony in relationships.

Senior Engineering Manager, Tina Vincent puts it perfectly (likely from experience):

Then, to think about what could bring me to the opposite of “surviving” in tech, aka: dying from it. The main thing is to avoid being anywhere close (1 to 3 degrees) to a toxic leader from “the dark triad”: a narcissist, psychopath or a machiavellist. Anything else I can survive. Whenever you have such around, all efforts are doomed to fail, and people fall with them, into sick leaves, mental health issues, burnouts or long-lasting HR-cases.

Have a strategy for dealing with imposter phenomenon

At one company, I put up with imposter phenomenon (it’s not a syndrome I have learnt) for two years. Two years. It was agony. But I put up with it for two whole years. Why did I put up with it for so long? Why oh why? If I am honest with myself — and I try to be — then the answer is quite apparent.

I put up with it because the upside of staying was higher. I liked the company. I liked my colleagues. I had a good salary. I had high status. I was waiting to cash in stock options. I felt I was making a difference. Good office. Good perks. That’s why I stayed.

Reflecting on this afterwards, I realised that I abused myself for those two years. Maybe abuse is too strong a word but I can’t think of another. I overextended. I sold my soul.

So if you can avoid imposter phenomenon, do so. But if you find yourself in a position where you have it and you still want to stay at the company, make sure you have a strategy for dealing with it.

I used these three strategies:

• Use contemplation techniques to understand the origin of the internal judging voices. I recommend Richard Rudd’s book: The Art of Contemplation.
• Understand your deep why, your purpose for doing what you are doing. Keep that in focus. And keep on returning to it. Work from that space. (More on finding your why below.)
• Make asking for feedback from your colleagues a regular and natural part of your work life. You will likely discover that nobody is judging you as harshly as you are judging yourself.

As Senior Developer and Architect, Thomas Harper says:

Everyone has impostor syndrome, not just you. Nothing is so mystical you can’t learn it.

Senior Product Manager, Malin Norrstrand has this angle on it:

Know your value, your uniqueness and what you bring to the table — not everyone needs to follow the same “template” of what a PM/designer/EM/[pick your role] should be or do. Recognise that your specific flavour of uniqueness is immensely valuable and that your (maybe different) perspective brings value to anyone around you, to the team and to the business.

Senior Engineering Manager, Tina Vincent adds this valuable perspective:

For all female engineering managers, a special advice: learn to recognize the measurement techniques people are targeting females with. A common one is “you are not techie enough”. Also know that female EMs tend to have the worst eNps numbers, so remember: it’s not you, it’s a system built for inequality.

If you are experiencing imposter phenomenon, you should be aware that it is not only about you and something that you need to fix. I actually think that imposter phenomenon is more common in certain companies. For example, where many employees are trying to prove themselves and get ahead.

That’s why I really like Clare Sudbery’s idea for a Stupidity Manifesto. As she says:

Let’s stop making each other feel stupid. Instead, let’s… - Encourage everyone to ask questions - Lead by example: Be honest when we’re confused - Value curiosity over knowledge - Prioritise clarity over jargon - Remember we all forget stuff - Get excited about teaching and learning - Acknowledge the broad range of knowledge in our industry, and avoid judging someone if their knowledge doesn’t match ours”

The below linked article covers all the bases of imposter phenomenon including a full list of strategies for dealing with it: What is imposter syndrome? Definition, symptoms, and overcoming it

Watch out for childhood patterns

This is a bit hard to admit to, but I have acted out childhood patterns in the workplace. Patterns that I thought I had dealt with in therapy many years previously. I include this here because I suspect acting out childhood patterns is more prevalent in the workplace than is acknowledged. I can’t be the only one, right?

Just to illustrate what I mean, this is what I did.

In one of my jobs, I had a change of manager — from a female manager to a male manager. Without much awareness, I found myself competing with my new manager and even going back to my old manager with various complaints. It took about a month, but I eventually realised that I was acting out old childhood patterns of competing with my new step-father when he came into the family when I was seven years old. It was crystal clear — I was acting out. Once I’d seen it, I was able to reign in my behaviour at work and normalise the situation without causing any damage.

I have been in loads of therapy. I have worked on myself for years. And yet, I still did this. I still acted out a childhood pattern. I guess what I can say is that at least I spotted it after a month. Perhaps without all the therapy, I wouldn’t have spotted it at all and the situation would have ended up a lot worse.

I think old childhood patterns linger. Be aware.

Whatever the circumstances, know your why

As author and inspirational speaker on business leadership, Simon Sinek famously pointed out:

Know your why

And this is extremely important to do if you are going to survive in tech over the long-term.

But what do you do if you are working for a company and its why doesn’t match your why? Well you could leave and find another company, another opportunity. That option is always open. But what if you want or need to stay at the company? What do you do then? The answer is to get a bit creative and find your why within the current context.

Quite a way back, I was working for a company that was building trading software. As much as I tried, I couldn’t get behind the idea that I was helping banks and traders make more and more money. My heart just wasn’t in it. But, on the other hand — I had the role I wanted, good pay and conditions, and I liked my colleagues. I didn’t want to leave so I had to find a way to engage. I needed to find my why. It took a while and I really had to dig deep, but I eventually found my why.

I decided to focus on people and relationships. As a manager, I would support the growth of my direct reports. As a colleague, I would show up the best I could be. And as a lead in the organisation, I would try to be a good role model for other leads.

So in the absence of a natural why, I found my own why. And that kept me going for several years.

Here’s what Product Designer, Elias Lind had to say about knowing your why:

Find your reason for being there. Tech is no different than any other place in life. And the reason for being anywhere at all is something I think about in all aspects of life. Why am I in this relationship, why do I live in his city, why am I a part of this church, why do I partake in this choir — and your job is no different. Tech is, in its own way, a glossy, sparkly and exciting place. Many of us get paid more money than we ever thought we would and attend conferences, work at sexy offices and get a bunch of great perks. And maybe, for some of us, those things are the reasons why we are there and for some of us it is something else. But to be able to survive, endure, enjoy and prosper at any place in life — you need to find your reason to hold on to when things start to shake a bit.

Senior Engineering Manager, Tina Vincent adds:

A broad thing that has helped me a lot, is to have your own beliefs and also: a clear why for why you choose the job that you have. For example, a broad belief I hold is that I truly believe in trust & transparency as concepts and tools. A more specific one is my belief around making people awesome (for example, by creating an inclusive environment and group norm of psychological safety).

Invest in resilience — the ability to bounce back

I think of resilience as the ability to bounce back. I think of it like a bank account where I invest in good times so that I am well placed to manage in bad times. I have invested heavily in resilience over a 30 year period. It’s my secret sauce. It’s my superpower. It has saved me from burning out over the long term.

I’ll list out what the science says below, but first here’s what I do to make sure that I stay resilient. It’s a lot I know — but it pays off. People say I am so disciplined, but I don’t really see it like that. It’s my survival kit and most of it I enjoy.

A 90 minute morning routine that includes a 20 minute yoga-like workout called The Five Tibetans, 10 minutes of Pranayama (breathing exercises), and a 30 minute meditation. Then I head off to a nearby lake for my cold-water exposure (to get comfortable with being uncomfortable). During the week I typically do five fitness sessions alternating between yoga, running, and weight training. I am super-focussed on healthy eating allowing, of course, for the occasional treat. And I make sure that I make time for relaxation, deep rest, and never compromise on sleep. As mentioned above, I try to prioritise peace of mind and maintain harmony in all my relationships. Aside from meditation, I allow time for high-level planning, journaling, and contemplation. A few times a week, I weave in gratitude and compassion practices.

Engineering Manager, Elisabeth Hasslund draws strength from yoga:

Yoga taught me a lot…I understood that the same principles I was taught during my [yoga] teacher training could be applied at work. In the beginning I just wanted to leave tech and go all in for health, but all the new learnings made work so much more interesting.

Here are two samples of what the science says.

According to The Wellbeing Project, the five pillars of resilience are: energy, future focus, inner drive, flexible thinking, and strong relationships. You can find the full description of this evidence-based model here: The 5 Pillars of Resilience.

Here is an article in Harvard Business Review called: 5 Ways to Boost Your Resilience at Work. This article tells us to exercise mindfulness, compartmentalise your cognitive load, take detachment breaks, develop mental agility, and cultivate compassion.

One last thing on resilience. I really like this Japanese proverb.

Nana korobi, ya oki Fall down seven times, stand up eight

I don’t really want to promote a single-minded never-give-up determination — but I think a balanced amount of resolve is needed in the workplace and in the career. For me, the vibe of “fall down seven times, stand up eight” seems to hit the sweet spot.

Forget about getting promoted, just do excellent work and be a great team player

I think it was life coach Robin Sharma who said:

Shine so bright so they can’t take their eyes off you

Add a team context to that — which I think is implied — and I think that’s good advice. I’ve known several people who were too focussed on getting promoted and it always had a negative effect on the team and, in the end, on themselves. Managers spotted the tendency and didn’t trust them to join teams assigned to challenging and prestigious projects.

Just do excellent work and be a great team player. And let the promotions come to you.

Guard your reputation

It’s really important to guard your reputation. Reputation is hard to gain and easy to lose. You go up the stairs and down in the lift. At one company I was at, I lost mine and it was downhill all the way from there. Lose it with just one person and it can spread.

Sometimes it can happen that your reputation takes a dive and it is nothing that you could have foreseen or done anything about. You might have just been on the wrong project at the wrong time.

But you can always do your bit.

Do good work. Assume good intent from your colleagues. Listen. Be honest. Act with integrity. If you do wrong, own up and apologise. Be nice. Be friendly. Just be a great colleague.

Always choose a growth mindset

What I like to do on a regular basis is picture myself at work six months or a year prior and compare myself to the present. Pretty much always I look back and see myself as naive. There is often a feeling of embarrassment.

That’s bad right? No. This is good news. This demonstrates to me that growth is possible and I am growing. And this fuels my investment in having what is known as a growth mindset.

You won’t get far in tech without having a growth mindset as outlined by Carol Dweck in her groundbreaking book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.

Dweck describes how people with a growth mindset believe that intelligence can be developed and this leads to a desire to learn and therefore a tendency to embrace challenges, persist in the face of obstacles, see effort as the path to mastery, learn from criticism, and find lessons and inspiration in the success of others. I’ve drawn it out below.

This is in contrast to people with a fixed mindset who believe intelligence is static. This leads to a desire to look smart and this, in turn, leads to a tendency to avoid challenges, give up easily, see effort as fruitless, ignore useful negative feedback, and feel threatened by the success of others.

Here is a great write-up of growth mindset vs fixed mindset from Shane Parrish’s Farnam Street: Carol Dweck: A Summary of Growth and Fixed Mindsets

Stay open and curious — and learn

I think this comes naturally when you have a growth mindset (as summarised above) but I think staying open and curious is important enough to mention separately. Staying open and curious leads to learning.

As Shunryu Suzuki says in Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind:

If your mind is empty, it is always ready for anything, it is open to everything. In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s mind there are few.

My ex-colleagues had a lot to say about this one:

Agile Coach, Stefan Solender, says:

For me, the Agile mindset has helped a lot. My top tips would be: stay curious, work as a team (so much more fun and more learning), do not try to handle complexity, reduce it (keep it simple), and be kind.

Wise chap.

Executive Coach, Katy Caroan adds this perspective:

I’d like to add one of the most powerful insights from my previous life in tech: you might add more value in asking powerful questions rather than being the one with the solution. But you need to be genuinely interested in the answers.

Product Manager, Jason Palmer emphasises curiosity and empathy:

Always be curious why things were built the way they were and why other companies do things the way they do. But have enough empathy to approach things with curiosity rather than be judgmental. These two things will build strong pillars for you so you’re always learning, making better decisions, and doing a better job convincing others.

Kelsey Hightower is such a great example of these two things. He’s helped build the greatest things in tech. Yet every time he interviews a tech leader he never says “why aren’t you using this or that?”. He asks questions and tries to understand context before offering any ideas.

An important aspect of staying open and curious is that it ensures that you are taking into account the perspectives of others. This is a key skill in tech and, indeed, in life.

As Senior Consultant, Malin Olsson points out:

The other part I find very important is communication and curiosity to understand each other. To reduce the sense of working in silos and “only” see and understand your own work. It is important to be open for various perspectives.

We humans need to be in an environment where there is trust

At one company I worked for, I remember listening to a presentation by upper management presenting what were to be our new values. There were five values. I listened to them being shared out one by one. Not one of them resonated. They came across as contrived, shallow, and inauthentic. But it wasn’t the values themselves. They were quite typical of large organisations and not particularly controversial. They didn’t resonate because I didn’t trust the leadership. From that moment on, I had one foot out the door.

In another company, I listened to another five values. Not that dissimilar from the last five. But this time I was moved to tears. This time I trusted the leadership. At last, leadership I could trust. Leadership who lived the values that they were presenting. Home at last.

As human beings, we need to be in an environment where there is trust. We need to trust the leadership. We need colleagues who we trust. And we ourselves need to be able to build trust with our colleagues and leaders. It’s trust all the way up and all the way down.

If there is not an environment of trust, consider moving on. If you are not being somebody who is building trust, put in the required work to change.

For more information on trust, I think this Forbes article does a great job of breaking down the components of trust: The Essential Importance Of Trust: How To Build It Or Restore It

As the article explains, we trust people who are:

• Reliable and dependable
• Transparent
• Competent
• Sincere, authentic, and congruent
• Fair
• Open and able to show vulnerability

I can’t end this tip without mentioning Brene Brown’s masterwork on vulnerability. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Like stocks, your career will go up and down

Quite simply, know that your career goes both up and down. Yes, it’s a roller-coaster. Many times I have reached a peak and then shortly after checked-in with how things are going and noticed I am on the way down. And then after spending some time down and treading water, suddenly I am on the way up again. And sometimes another peak.

So just know this simple fact: That like stocks, the career goes up and down. If you know this, you will enjoy and appreciate the ups. And you will handle with equanimity the downs. The downs can be a good time to rest and recharge for the next up.

In short, take the ride up and down — and try and enjoy it all.

Use some kind of task management tool — I recommend Getting Things Done

As the creator of Getting Things Done (GTD), David Allen, says on his website:

Your mind is for having ideas, not holding them

In the workplace, I have found this motto to be life-changing and the GTD approach to task management almost life-saving.

In short, in GTD, you store all of your outstanding projects and tasks (open loops if you like) in an easy-to-use system that you trust and review regularly. If you do this right, you find that your mind relaxes and becomes more available to be creative.

The mind no longer needs to hold onto things to do and is quiet, open, and free. Of course, you still need to act upon the projects and tasks that you have stored in your GTD system — but your mind is no longer overwhelmed.

Watch David Allen’s TED talk on stress-free productivity and then, if it appeals, read the original Getting Things Done book.

Sometimes you have to be strategic

Yes, it’s important to be a good person. To be honest. To show up with integrity. To be open and vulnerable. To be your authentic self. Be all this as much as and whenever you can.

But sometimes — damn it — you have to ditch all that and be a bit clever, a bit strategic. When? When you are dealing with somebody who you sense is also being strategic. It’s not all such situations, but you need to recognise when it is such a situation. Listen inwardly, it will tell you. Just do it and don’t feel guilty.

What I have learnt is that you can’t be both honest and strategic at the same time. And sometimes you have to choose strategic. And that’s okay.

Have a way of dealing with your stuff

You will get annoyed with people at work. Sometimes angry. You will get disappointed. You will get upset. You might well up. You will have thoughts like: They don’t understand me. They don’t respect me. I am not appreciated. You will have managers that you like. And managers that you don’t. At every workplace, there will always be that one person.

Whatever comes up, you need to have a way to deal with it. I call what comes up stuff. You need a way of dealing with your stuff.

Whether it’s through some of the practices I have mentioned previously like meditation, journaling, contemplation, Byron Katie’s The Work, or exercise. Or whether it’s through regular ongoing therapy. You need a way to digest and process and then transform and transmute what goes on at work and in your head.

If you put in the effort, I promise you it pays off. Many times I have looked on with a kind of satisfaction (sorry, not sorry) when I can see that I have transformed my anger about an issue into something more positive and the person next to me — who hasn’t done the necessary work — has not. I am open and happy again. And I can see that they are still entrapped. Of course, ultimately I would want them to be open and happy — but you get my point.

Try to enjoy every day

“Enjoy every day” is a powerful motto for life and for work. It doesn’t come naturally for hardly any of us, but I believe it is something we can work on.

I view it as an excellent countermeasure against our tendency to dwell on the past and worry about the future. It’s a glass-half-full practice, but it should be emotionally grounded so as not to veer into toxic positivity territory.

The way I orient myself towards this attitude is by practising gratitude, building awareness so as not to be overrun by the fearful primate brain, having an optimistic outlook (that the universe is ultimately good and there is some kind of order), and staying solution-focussed.

Having the practice to enjoy every day — and it is a practice — is, I believe, one of the best ways to ensure a sustainable work life (over the long term).

Agile Transformation Coach, Margareta Eriksson expresses her version of it here:

If you don’t have fun, move on.

Learn the art of letting go

You’ve got to learn the art of letting go. Yes it is an art and yes you can learn it. Read Michael Singer’s book The Surrender Experiment if you have any doubts about that.

You can practise letting go on relatively small things like a firmly held opinion or a particular task that you have taken on in the team and that everybody now expects you to do.

As Senior Product Manager, Ylva Fredriksson taught me:

You don’t always have to get the chairs.

She explains:

I remember sitting in a meeting room with all men and someone entered, but a chair was missing. I was holding myself back so hard not to offer my chair and get a new one.

Starting small prepares you for larger challenges like letting go of a particular role, or even letting go of your company.

Sometimes the best course of action is just to let go and let events take their course. Let somebody else volunteer. Let somebody else decide. We always think we know what is best and we try to exert control. We try to control the situation. But the truth is, ultimately, we don’t know what is best.

I think letting go is an important skill to have in the workplace. And, in my eyes, a key tool in the tech survival kit.

As my brother Illustrator and Educator, Adam Graff says:

Wear the cloak of life lightly

Here’s what Senior Product Manager, Malin Norrstrand, had to say about letting go:

Choose acceptance over anger and frustration. If you can’t change things to your liking, and can’t accept the situation you’re in, move on. Anger and frustration could be great catalysts, but if you let it linger on and (finally) consume you, you’re in for trouble.

Pick your fights — on the above note, learn to figure out what’s worth fighting for and what’s not, and where you stand a chance to improve things or not.

Everything is changing all the time, right? It doesn’t make sense to try and hold on. The only option is to learn the art of letting go.

Don’t get too identified with your company

Okay last one. Don’t get too identified with your company. Even if some companies encourage you to do so with a cute sounding name that typically adds an “er” to the company name. Or if your company invites you to be part of one big happy family.

Just don’t fall for it. Yes, identity is important and powerful. But there are plenty of other deeper aspects of you to identify with. Choose those. Otherwise, and it can happen — you end up getting so identified with your company that you lose touch with yourself. Similar to what can happen in destructive relationships.

So that’s it. How to survive in tech. As I read back what I’ve written here, I can see that the various tips can not only help you survive in tech, but also thrive. And many of the tips are not just about tech. They can apply to other types of job too. And, actually, much of what I’ve written is not just about work life, it’s about life in general. Blessings.

Thank you for your contributions: Bianca, Elias, Elisabeth, Jason, Katy, MalinN, MalinO, Margareta, Stefan, Thomas, Tina, and Ylva.