How to Support Your Friend in an Abusive Relationship (it may not be how you expect)
“..sufferers of domestic abuse aren’t able to definitively leave their abusive partner until they are ready.”
I know that when we discover someone dear to us being pained and abused, every bone in our body wants to rip them out of that situation and bring them back to a place of love and safety. But, as surprising as this may sound, that can often create more complication, and likely more danger, than refuge.
I’ve personally experienced multiple abusive relationships throughout my romantic life, of varying forms and degrees (though all deserving of equal recognition). And during these times I came to understand what helpful support from a friend did and didn’t look like. I came to be acutely aware of reactions and dynamics that made me feel no longer safe to confide in and so lead to me further isolating myself within the relationship.
If a victim of abuse doesn’t feel safe to confide, then there is no one privy to the extent of the abuse. Which means that if it escalates, maybe even to life-threatening degrees — no one would know. Which is even more dangerous.
the deeper the isolation > the more helpless the dependency > the more threatening the danger
Navigating an abusive relationship is delicate. For both sufferer and support network. Stakes are high with reactions fragile. Any personal opinion, ego or outrage — though valid — can actually come at the cost of the victim’s safety.
I am going to list for you how best to provide safe and formative support to your friend without pushing them away — and without goading their abuser.
At a glance some may appear counter-intuitive or enabling, but I can assure you — they’re not.
Be patient
Sufferers of domestic abuse aren’t able to definitively leave their abusive partner until they are ready. It requires them reaching their own personal threshold and rock bottom of abuse they are physically, mentally and emotionally able to endure.
And no two people’s thresholds look the same. These are dictated by:
- their level of awareness/knowledge to the abuse (and acceptance of the fact)
- any practical elements further enmeshing them to the relationship (finances, children, pets, shared friendships, home/work arrangements etc.)
- the reliability and safety of their support network (that’s if they’re fortunate enough to have one)
- and the condition of their relationship with themselves (which an abuser will tirelessly be undermining)
I include that last one because the depth to which a person recognises and values their worth and thus honours their wellbeing will determine how readily accessible the ability to walk away from toxicity will be for them. But the more an abuser has chipped away at their self-worth, the harder it becomes to leave.
Leaving an abusive relationship is a process. One neither linear nor with any predictable time frame. Each of my own personal experiences took multiple attempts before any break-ups were committed to. I’d bounce back like an email being returned to sender after their many woeful and dramatic declarations to change.
If you, the caring friend, tempt rushing this process along, or enforce a separation before your friend is ready — it will, for when they inevitably do go back to their partner, cause them to stop confiding in you in the same way. If even at all. They will now fear frustrating or disappointing you, as well as fear judgement. They will feel even more burdensome and ashamed than they probably already did. And their abuser, now perceiving you a threat, will: slander you ‘til they’re blue in the face and your friend turned against you.
This is not to say don’t remind them that the way they’re being treated is not okay, and that leaving would be best for them — please do. It is safe to do so. In fact it is is vital to do so.
But for if and when they don’t leave, or do but then go back, it is important for you to accept the fact, and vocalise your continued support. The way I have done this for friends in the past has looked a little something like this (I can get pretty animated):
The way they are treating you is FUCKED and you deserve SO MUCH BETTER. I of course want what’s best for you but I get that this is your relationship to navigate. If you do leave then GREAT and I promise to help make it the least traumatic for you as possible. But if you don’t and you’re not ready to then that’s fine too, no judgement. I promise to still be here and love you regardless.
Be patient. This is their process to navigate, not yours.
Don’t get frustrated
Advice will often seem as though falling on deaf ears — ultimately, that isn’t your business.
For whatever reason, your friend may not yet be ready, or even willing, to take advice. Maybe they can’t yet accept reality, maybe they hold tightly on to their partner’s ability to change, maybe they’re too much in love — or maybe they simply just don’t want it. Whatever the case may be, again, it is their process.
Giving advice is, for the most part, a selfless act. But to expect advice to be taken — becomes selfish. By all means continue sharing advice where appropriate (often just a caring, listening ear is most valuable) — please don’t ‘give up’ on them. Just don’t vocalise or show frustration when advice hasn’t been followed. No matter how many times you may have repeated yourself.
Zero judgement
‘How are you still with them!?’ - one of the most tactless and ignorant — yet frequently used — phrases one could say to a sufferer of domestic abuse.
If even they don’t yet comprehend the extent of their entanglement — woven by a multitude of physical, practical and psychological manipulations (none of which their fault) — then you certainly won’t.
Most forms of abuse are introduced insidiously. Gone unnoticed as they chip away at your inner structure, emptying you of resource. When one day, upon an attempt to stand — your legs give way. Leaving you a surrendered crumple on the floor; no understanding of how you got there, or why you can no longer rise.
Humbly accept you can’t begin to know what your friend is going through; compassionately hold space for the pain and confusion they’ll be navigating.
Validate their experience
Gaslighting is a very common manipulation tactic used by abusers intended to make victims doubt their own memory and discernment (and so ultimately their sanity) by denying their lived experience. It can be from anything as blatant as “I’m not wearing a hat, you’re seeing things” to something as insidious as “I think your meds are making you overly emotional.”
It is an increasingly ruthless psychological warfare that anyone in an abusive relationship will likely be at the mercy of. And it is important that you, as their friend, help them hold onto their truth and sanity by unequivocally validating their experiences. Which can look a little like this:
I had a dear, dear friend once endure an emotionally abusive relationship, and every so often they rang to ask, “I’m not crazy, right?” To which I responded:
No you are NOT crazy No what they did/said was NOT okay No you are NOT remembering things wrong And you have EVERY RIGHT to feel the way you do
Which actually brings me to my next point:
Don’t play devil’s advocate
To try to rationalise and understand an abuser’s behaviour is to:
- further enable the victim’s tolerance of the abuse
- amplify for them any feelings of shame and self-blame
- and (as opposing as your intention may be) contribute to the gaslighting of their reality
To try to “see things from their point of view” will not:
- prompt the relationship to a healthier place
- prevent further abuse from happening
- settle a triggered nervous system
Rationalising abusive behaviour ultimately minimises it. And minimising it subsequently then minimises and undervalues a victim’s experience of it. Which is gaslighting. And makes you part of the problem.
Though we may hold compassion for a harmful person’s likely turbulent past, perhaps complicated present, or even just their “having a bad day” (baring in mind deceit, distortion of facts and victimisation are tactics heavily endorsed by abusers so.. pinch of salt) — this still absolutely, categorically never qualifies anyone to willingly create turmoil for another person. In fact, the most responsible thing you could do with that compassion (if indeed you even have any and it is totally fine if you don’t) would be to keep it to yourself.
Respect their use (or non-use) of language
The words ‘abuse’, ‘abuser’ and ‘victim’ can be very jarring and divisive for some — especially when not yet at terms with the reality of their situation.
To enforce this language prematurely, especially after being noticeably rejected, can impair your friend’s openness with you. Leading them to down-play events or omit details out of fear you may ‘misinterpret’ their partner.
When ready to give identity to what they’re experiencing, language will come.
Be socially pleasant to their abuser
This is tactic, not genuineness.
If an abuser knows you don’t like or approve of them — or worse, have them sussed — they will deem you a threat. And so, to protect their power, they will endeavour to isolate your friend from you by:
- slandering you
- discrediting your reputation as a friend
- banning you from their home and all shared social events
Your friend will also be blamed for your not liking them. ‘What lies have you been spreading?’, ‘You exaggerate everything!’, ‘You always make me out to be the bad guy.’ If they don’t manage to successfully ostracise you, they will at least curb your friend’s willingness to confide.
To be socially pleasant does not mean to become their friend. This is for show. A delicate dance placating the abuser’s ego as a means of precaution.
Do not confront their abuser
I’d like to contextualise this one with a personal story (trigger warning; physical abuse):
I was arguing on the street with my partner at the time (our relationship deep in its throes of abuse by this point) after a night out. It was clear to me that if he came to mine, this argument was going to be escalating to the physical. And so I refused him come home with me. This enraged him. Seeing house-key in hand, he lunged at me and started to wrestle for it. Contorting my arms, twisting wrists — anything to pry my desperate, white knuckled fingers off from around my key. When suddenly, from the shadows, a man much bigger rugby tackled my partner to the ground with a crack, “You get the FUCK off her!” My partner was stunned. And, like I’d never seen him before, scared. Sheepishly he got up and signalled to the man that he would leave. But as he backed away, he made sure to meet my gaze with murderous eyes. As if to say, “You’ll pay for this.” Which I did. My phone immediately blew up with an onslaught of abuse. Including telling me his being ‘attacked’ was my fault because I ‘made a scene’ by refusing to give him my key. And when next in his company — he physically beat and strangled me, rage and shame spitting from his face. Punishing me for that man having tackled him to the ground. I was to blame. Not him.
I am profoundly grateful for that man intending to defend me. But his actions, though valiant, were ultimately reckless.
Abusers are precariously fragile, wickedly reactive bullies and cowards. When confronted, a deep shame in them is evoked — which they do not have the humility or wherewithal to reconcile. And then who receives the wrathful repercussions of their cowardice and humiliation? The victim.
When witness to a domestic, rather than confront — approach so calmly. Refrain from threat, attack, judgement, assumption, accusation or blame. The intention is to de-escalate — and minimise any danger for your friend.
Lastly…
Don’t stop being their friend
This may seem obvious. But all too often I’ve seen people ‘give up’ on their suffering friends. Frustrated and defeatist.
‘Well there’s nothing more I can do.’
I say this with love: this isn’t about you.
No one’s asking you to fix anything. This is a process, their process. The outcome cannot be controlled. To abandon would only worsen circumstance and prolong misery, determining a greater dependency on their abuser — which makes leaving seem just that much more inconceivable.
If though, you need to detach for your own personal well-being (maybe circumstances have become too demanding, or triggering— maybe even your own safety threatened) that is totally okay and understandable.
If you must distance yourself, then do so for the sake of self-care. Not for the glorifying of ego.
The navigation of this process is deeply complex and, at times, perilously fragile. A lot of considered care and scrutinised effort is being asked of you — impossible to always get right. But thank you for reading this article and seeking insight on how best to provide support for your friend. They will be profoundly grateful, I am sure.
Implement the above where able. Go gentle, and look after yourself as you find the way. As heart-wrenching as your friend’s situation may be, it is not ultimately your responsibility.
Facilitate a safe and endlessly loving space. Allow them process the rest.
If you would like to learn more on identifying abusers and their tactics, especially what to expect of their dynamic towards you — a friend of their victim, I have written more on that exact topic here:
If you deem your friend’s life at risk, please inform local authorities. Remove them from any immediate threat and ensure their safeguarding.
Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash
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