How to Strip Secrets of Their Power
What a museum exhibit revealed about shame, vulnerability, and our common humanity
Secrets have the power to unite us in our common humanity or to hold us hostage under a burden of shame.
In February, my husband and I went to Balboa Park in San Diego, taking advantage of the time our kids were in school for a rare day date. We walked down an arched walkway, past fountains and flowers, and into the Museum of Man. I was thrilled to discover a PostSecret exhibit on the second floor.
PostSecret is the brain child of Frank Warren, who back in 2004 asked strangers to anonymously send him postcards with their secrets. He hoped to collect 365 for an art project but over the years has received over half a million. New postcards are posted every Sunday on his website, and he has published several collections of them in books.
As the escalator neared the top floor, a glass column encasing thousands of postcards marked the entrance to the exhibit. We walked down a hallway lined with bookshelves crammed with postcards. The sheer number of secrets those bookshelves contained was overwhelming. The exhibit itself revealed hundreds of postcards visitors could read. Some were displayed as art against the walls. Some were displayed in bins, each protected by a clear plastic case that visitors could flip through, like buying CD’s in the old days.
Secrets Reveal our Common Humanity
Some of the secrets were funny, some were embarrassing, but many were heartbreaking. The vast majority of the secrets were about relationships and about God.
“I hope there is a heaven (and I hope you’re there.)”
“What you did to me wasn’t a crime … but it should be.”
“I want to enlist, but I’m worried my husband might leave me if I do.”
There was so much emotional pain within the exhibit, so much longing, regret, and loneliness. Frank Warren claims that every single one of us has at least one secret, and while that may be true, some secrets are more of a burden than others.
Why reveal our secrets in the first place? Sociologist and shame researcher Brené Brown argues that it’s part of owning our story:
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy — the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
And the burden of these secrets within us will only grow as we live in the shadow of their shame. Creating art from a secret and sending it anonymously through the mail will not release us from its burden. “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable,” Brené Brown reminds us. Speaking our secret implies that someone will hear it. Sharing anonymously reveals nothing and allows shame to keep its hold.
“Sometimes I think we keep secrets for the wrong reasons. If we could instead find that right person to talk to we might find that talking about an embarrassing story or admitting our frailty might lead to a more authentic relationship with others or ourselves.”
Frank Warren
On Finding the Right Person
The right person is a friend who will listen without judgement, shock, or trying to outdo you. The right person will respond with empathy instead of pity, and won’t need to be told to keep your confidence.
How do you know if you have that kind of friend in your life? Often you can rely on their past behavior as an indicator. Has this person been trustworthy in prior situations? How has this person responded to your shortcomings and failures (or those of others?) How long have you known this person? Has this person shared vulnerable moments with you?
Unfortunately, there is no foolproof way to guarantee that you’ve found the right person with whom to share your secret. If you want to own your story, at some point you’ll have to step out in courage even if it’s picking up the phone and reaching out to a therapist.
“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.”
Brené Brown, Daring Greatly
What shameful secret is holding you back from fully experiencing love, belonging, and joy? Writing about it, or making a postcard about it will only help in part. To get out from under the shame of our secrets, the right person needs to receive it — and to receive us — in all of our humanness.