How to Stop Living With a Victim Mentality ~ Daring Woman

Last night I had a dream that I was a victim of a school shooting. I was an adult, not a student. In fact, all of the victims were adults.

In this dream, I survived along with several others…but we were changed of course. How could you not be after an event like that? After the shooting, I walked into the school office and quit the job I had just started as a secretary or something.

Then the dream changed, and it appeared to be a few days later. I saw how shaken up everyone was, how shaken I was and decided the victim mentality ended right then. The shooter may have taken lives, and changed us all forever, but he didn’t get to control my life. He didn’t get to keep me a victim forever.

Chin up, head held high, I marched back into the school and rescinded my resignation. I remember clearly stating, “He doesn’t get to win. He doesn’t get to keep me a victim.”

While thankfully, I’ve never been involved in a scene such as the one in my dream, I’ve been in the victim role many times. And I’ve seen firsthand how toxic it is when you never move from victim to survivor.

My mother was bullied during her childhood. Her brothers were relentless. Her mother was emotionally and verbally abusive. It led to a long, troubled life for mom. When she passed away a few years ago, she was still very bitter and angry. It seemed that was all she ever wanted to talk about toward the end, was being bullied by her brothers and mom. She was stuck in the victim mentality. She was miserable and it made it miserable to be around her.

Life happens. And sometimes it happens hard. I’ve been raped. I’ve been sexually assaulted. I’ve been abused both physically and emotionally. I sat by my father’s side as he passed away. I lost my best friend to a horrific car accident. Life is going to happen no matter what.

How you choose to handle the challenges you’re given is entirely up to you. Staying in the victim role may garner you attention, but it also limits what you’re capable of doing and more importantly, who you are capable of being.

My friend, it’s time to step out of the victim role and begin living the life you deserve. Here are some steps to get you started.

1. Stop saying you’re a victim. Start saying you’re a survivor. I was a victim of rape the night it happened. The next morning, I was a survivor. It was no longer happening. Victims live in the past. They feel helpless and out of control. Survivors focus on the present. They take back control.
2. Accept what happened. Doesn’t mean you’re okay with it. But you can’t change that fact that whatever happened, happened.
3. Stop the victim blame. We’ve all been there and done that. We blame ourselves for whatever has happened to us. It’s not your fault. Raped? Not your fault. Abused? Not your fault. Sick? Not your fault. Stop blaming yourself.
4. Talk about it. When we experience trauma of any kind, one of the best healing techniques is to talk about it. Whether it’s to a friend, family member, trusted advisor, professional, the public…doesn’t matter. But you cannot continue to internalize your trauma. It becomes poison and manifests all kinds of physical and mental ailments.
5. Write about it. Journaling is the most common method used for emotional healing. Journals are personal. They are raw. You just sit down and let the pen flow across the paper. No worrying about proper grammar, spelling, punctuation…just write. No one has to see it but you. But get it out.
6. Begin practicing gratitude. You survived. Regardless of the event, you are here. You are a survivor. Gratitude has immense healing power. Each morning, jot down three things you are grateful for. It can be as simple as, “I am grateful the birds are singing.” “I am grateful for coffee.” “I am grateful for the sunrise.” At the end of the day, write down three things you are grateful for that happened during the day. The more you practice gratitude, the easier it becomes.
7. Purge negative self-talk. This one’s hard…we tend to be brutal when it comes to self-talk. The stuff we say to ourselves, most of us wouldn’t dare say to our worst enemies. Begin consciously taking note of the negative trash talk rambling around in your head. Write down the things you are saying to yourself. Begin rephrasing in a gentler, kinder way. Change negative to positive. “You’re a fat cow,” then becomes, “You deserve to be healthy. Let’s exchange the donut for a yogurt.”
8. Support others. I find that for me, helping others through their trauma is very empowering and in turn helps me to stay out of the victim mentality. Find support groups and start helping to lift others up.
9. Let go of the past. When you’re driving, your focus is on what’s in front of you right? Yes, you glance at what’s behind you, but that’s all it is…a glance. Life is the same way. What’s happened is done. It’s over. It’s in the rear view mirror. Glance at it to be sure you’re on track and then focus forward. No matter how much you relive things in your mind, you will NEVER change the past. So, let it go.
10. Live for the moment. The past is over. The future hasn’t happened. You need to live for NOW. This moment. Slow down and look around. Dance in the rain. Laugh and twirl with your kids. But stay in the moment. Because right now, that’s all you have.

Originally published at http://daringwomaninc.com on May 16, 2019.