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Abstract

p id="db15">For example, my husband put a stop to my way of trying to get our son to eat his meals and stop being fussy because it just wasn’t working. After a certain period of time of him implementing his own way of doing things, which was firmer and stricter than I would’ve liked, I started to see some changes in my son and how he would sit down to eat the entire plate of food in front of him.</p><p id="21fa">Now, Andriel looks forward to sitting down next to his parents and mostly eats his entire plate, including the veg. My husband was right, and I was wrong — at least for a period of time (because no one knows the future and kids are unpredictable!)</p><p id="60fc"><b>But my husband didn’t say “I told you so”.</b> He didn’t discredit me as a mother, even if I did question my own decision making. He understood that being wrong is not a bad thing, and also, that <b>I wasn’t “wrong” to begin with</b>. Some things work, and some things don’t work for our children. And some things work for a while and then need to be changed. And that’s OK.</p><p id="4e9d">Parenting, while continuous, is flexible.</p><p id="ec93"><a href="https://readmedium.com/how-to-successfully-wing-it-d39222a3d808">And we are all winging it.</a></p><h1 id="101b">Lowering Expectations Is Empowering</h1><p id="cde5">I have this constant need as the main caregiver to simply know what to do and get it right — especially after all the research I do on many aspects of parenting. But the thing is, it is only because of my own expectations that we get upset when things don’t work out. We paint a picture of how things will go, and when they don’t go our way, we self-criticise.</p><p id="3b33">Recently, I have been struggling to make the decision of whether to send our son to daycare. Because of the recent lockdowns, I feared that he wasn’t getting enough social stimulation and he needed to spend more time with other children. We decided to send him to a local nursery two mornings a week.</p><p id="fec8">But that wasn’t my only reason for wanting to send him there. I also needed more time to really step up my game as a writer, begin marketing myself and really work on my book.</p><p id="fa4a">But I’m tired of questioning myself, and <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-to-get-what-you-want-1973fd008ecb">since taking the road to self-care</a> in order to be a better mother and person, I decided that my reasons were as good as any to send Andriel to daycare at the age of 27 months.</p><p id="d466">It has only been a few weeks, and so far, he does not look forward to going there. I feel in fact he has become shier and clingier than usual. This makes me question once again whether what I am doing is right, and whether the caregivers at the centre are doing right by my son.</p><p id="93a8"><b>I’m ready to assign blame and judge because this is what we do as people growing up in today’s society.</b></p><div id="5778" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/learning-to-enjoy-motherhood-guilt-free-966e7fa38d58"> <div> <div> <h2>Learning To Enjoy Motherhood Guilt-Free</h2> <div><h3>undefined</h3></div> <div><p>undefined</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*o44YftcYVXjSo_va)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="d0f8">But I have to remember that it will solve nothing. I need to readjust my expectations and remind myself that everything takes time and that obstacles are all part of the journey, including my son’s settling in time at daycare.</p><p id="1231">He will get there because he is a strong and sociable little boy. He will be fine because he will still have an abundance of love at home waiting for him when he gets back and throughout the rest of the week. But I cannot decide how and when he will be running happily into nursery in the mornings — that’s a picture I need to let go of, but treasure if it happens.</p><p id="b15a">Sometimes, it

Options

is our expectations that need change, not our circumstances. We have to be OK with hiccups in parenting. Rather, we need not see them as hiccups, but as part of the process of bringing up children. After all, we are only human.</p><h1 id="7806">Takeaway</h1><figure id="facf"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*0ZLtDIAU40LQtOeo"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@drezart?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Andrae Ricketts</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><p id="f3a0">I believe in a mother’s instinct, but I don’t believe in the expectation that it will be there when we need it. If that expectation isn’t met then we will be more than ready to assign blame, and it won’t help us grow as parents or as individuals. In fact, I think that the constant need to meet these expectations is what causes us to feel like a failure at some point in our lives.</p><p id="b5d4">Instead, I recommend a more supportive plan, where advice can be handed out without coming across as all-knowing and dismissive of the parent. We can learn not to feel offended at others’ suggestions in the same way that others can learn not to be judgemental. I advise that others do get involved in taking care of kids, in a non-judgemental “I-told-you-so” way when the main interest is that of the child — not of themselves.</p><p id="1680">Most importantly, we have to learn that <b>mistakes are normal</b>, and most of the time, they’re not life-threatening. We are all human after all, and that makes us susceptible to countless errors over the course of time. In modern parenting, most parents are learning not to scold their kids when they make mistakes because it’s detrimental to their confidence building. <i>We should take that same approach with ourselves and other adults.</i></p><p id="93d5">So, let’s cut ourselves a little slack, and lower that pressure to get it right. Nobody is born a parent with experience.</p><div id="2a67" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/redefining-the-concept-of-happiness-16e5524c2b2d"> <div> <div> <h2>Redefining the Concept of Happiness</h2> <div><h3>How I’m learning about fulfilment from my toddler son.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*6xDaJcMnjn9r6Bow)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="88c4" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-battle-with-anger-as-a-parent-24e7837c5fac"> <div> <div> <h2>My Battle With Anger As a Parent</h2> <div><h3>Ensuring our son feels loved regardless of our feelings.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*Me4slkvdZGGCbsbjqQ_7bg.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="c95b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-husband-is-a-damn-good-father-de20d1ef2217"> <div> <div> <h2>My Husband Is A Damn Good Father</h2> <div><h3>And he deserves praise.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*Oqw-YSI_IVOLn-k0)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="7dcc"><b><i>Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, relationships, and motherhood. <a href="https://medium.com/@sylviaemokpae">See more work like this</a>.</i></b></p><p id="f728"><a href="https://twitter.com/SylviaEmokpae"><b>Follow her</b></a><b> on Twitter.</b></p></article></body>

How to Stop Investing Too Much Too Quickly in Your Relationship

This may be why you are feeling exhausted.

The problem for some of us is that we have such a hard time finding romantic love. But when we do, we give up everything to make them happy.

Although great relationships involve give and take, it can be confusing when you find yourself in a relationship where you give too much without getting much in return.

My college friend complained bitterly about how his girlfriend is causing him stress and anxiety.

They have only been dating for three months, and he’s starting to reach breaking point. He’s stressed from working double shit at the penitentiary, his school activities, and trying to make her happy by giving in to her ridiculous demands.

He went above and beyond the call of duty for her, and now he’s paying the price for it.

As a college student, he did not have enough time to devote to his homework, and he felt that he was doing a mediocre job.

When I asked him what he was getting from all the effort he was putting into the relationship; he said he was spending his evenings and much of his free time throughout the day providing emotional support and comfort to his girlfriend.

Basically, he was getting nothing other than hangouts. Imagine that!

Giving is good, but too much giving can set you up to be in a severely imbalanced relationship.

Contrary to what most people believe, a balanced relationship doesn’t necessarily mean a 50/50 contribution.

Sometimes one partner may receive more than they give, depending on their needs.

However, a truly balanced partnership involves a great deal of compromise and showing the willingness to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work.

Signs you are giving more than you receive

Rushing into a relationship or falling in love too quickly is not bad, but giving up to much of yourself will only cause you pain and anxiety.

As relationship experts warn us that what begins quickly can also end quickly. And most times, we end up regretting it.

If you don’t know whether you’re giving too much, these are five key signs to look out for.

You demand their time and attention.

When your relationship isn’t balanced, it will feel like you are constantly chasing your partner to invest in the relationship emotionally.

Having to constantly pressure your partner to provide the emotional connection you crave, to spend more time with you, or to put more energy into your physical intimacy can breed resentment.

You are always fighting with them.

Do you feel exhausted from relationship issues? If you’re tired of fighting with your partner over their lack of effort or tired of being the one who carries the burden of making plans or resolving issues, you may want to rethink what you want and stop making sacrifices for someone who cares less about you.

When partners invest in a relationship mutually, the overall balance offers incredible bonding power and resilience in the relationship.

You spend more time at their place than at yours.

Couples in love think spending a lot of time together will bring them closer, but in reality, it creates an unhealthy codependency.

You have to recognize that this person exists in their own life, and you exist in yours. You need your own time and space in order to do the things you love to do.

You tolerate their bad behavior.

If you’re a natural giver, it’s in your nature to tolerate other people’s imperfect behavior.

Accepting someone for who they are isn’t a bad trait, but don’t confuse it with letting them treat you badly. You will set a bad example for future prospects, and you will only end up making yourself unhappy.

You are vulnerable around them.

Being vulnerable means being in a position where other people can hurt you. Love is one of the biggest emotional roller coasters, and people are willing to take too many unnecessary risks at first.

Vulnerability is the best way of developing close and fulfilling relationships, but it can also be unhealthy by creating codependency.

My advice would be to give your partner a little confidence. If they show they are worthy of that little trust, give them a little more, and so on. This will ensure that one person isn’t giving more than they receive.

How to Stop Investing Too Much Too Quickly in Your Relationship

This may be why you are feeling exhausted.

Signs you are giving more than you receive

You demand their time and attention.

You are always fighting with them.

You spend more time at their place than at yours.

You tolerate their bad behavior.

You are vulnerable around them.

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