How to Stop Feeling Burdened by the Opinions and Assumptions of Others

This is how to stop seeking approval from others

Sometimes it feels like our happiness depends on what other people think and say about us. We often get caught up in other people’s opinions, but it is possible to learn how not to give a damn about anyone else.

Regardless of how we dress, talk, walk, dance, speak, our ethnicity or the colour of our skin, there will always be someone who thinks we’re less than them in some way because we don’t live up to their moral or physical standards. It’s so easy to give credibility to other people’s opinions, even from those we’ve never met or spoken to before.

Feel confident in your skin

The solution to all of our self-conscious troubles is, of course, to feel more confident in ourselves. Unfortunately, building confidence isn’t as easy as hitting the ‘reset’ button anytime anyone tries to push us down.

We all wish we could take a power nap and wake up with our ‘confidence-o-meter’ fully recharged. Waking up feeling like we can rule the world, but sadly, confidence can take months, even years of hard work and dedication to build up to a point where no one can tear us down.

Confidence is just like any other skill, and it takes practice to get good at it. Even if we feel on top of the world one day, one comment or person can tear the wall down in one minute after it took us months to build it up. I mentioned this in my previous article: How to Turn False Confidence Into True Confidence.

The way to care less about what other people think, and put less value into their opinions is to start accepting ourselves before we ask that of anyone else.

We need to accept the fact that we are who we are, and we’re not going to change for anyone else. We are entirely in charge of our own lives, regardless of what anyone else says about us.

The only permission, the only validation, and the only opinion that matters in our quest for greatness is our own.

— Dr Steve Maraboli

Seeking approval from others

It is very natural for humans to seek approval from others. Our brains are programmed to make friends by finding someone who accepts us among all the people we encounter.

We all want to be liked and feel a sense of belonging, and we will only be able to do that if we look for acceptance from others. We get a boost of self-esteem when we find someone who likes us, so, understandably, we adapt to what we believe other people will want from us.

The main reason why we all need to stop seeking approval from others is that it’s exhausting. We often plan what to wear, say, how to express ourselves, our body language, who we should spend time with and let everyone around us control these things rather than saying “I like this shirt, I’m going to wear it today”.

It’s exhausting to adapt our lives and our decisions around what other people think rather than doing something because we want to do it for ourselves.

Build self-confidence

We usually seek approval from others because we lack confidence and self-esteem. It is easy to get caught up in a bubble when out in public where all our thoughts are like: “why is everyone staring at me”; “does my hair look weird?”, or “wow, they are so pretty”; “I wish I didn’t need to wear glasses”.

All these thoughts stem from self-consciousness and a lack of self-esteem. When we don’t feel confident in ourselves, we tend to seek approval from others. Those who lack self-confidence will need to hear compliments before they can feel good about themselves, and it’s not only regarding appearance, but also their personality.

While everyone feels insecure about something, it isn’t good when our lack of self-esteem rules our life. We must learn to be kinder to ourselves, be more understanding, and learn how to accept ourselves for who we are.

These three things will often help when we find ourselves stuck in an approval-seeking spiral that only seems to intensify each day.

Putting yourself above all else

We will exhaust ourselves if we try to be “good enough” for everyone else, and instead of becoming more accepted by society, we will spread ourselves too thin. As a result, we will become anything but ourselves. It’s exhausting to try to be everything to everyone we meet.

We need to acknowledge our worth to be able to love ourselves and let go of the meaningless opinions of someone else. We will never truly be happy unless we’re completely and truly ourselves. We need to be ourselves for us, not for someone else.

Additionally, when we seek approval from others, it will stem from not accepting ourselves. We need to understand how we can accept ourselves before we can love ourselves. All the energy we’ve spent trying to please others will be too much; we can move mountains with it.

Stop with the comparisons

When we’re young, it’s especially easy to get sucked into a loop of self-doubt. We need to stop comparing ourselves to others and begin to accept that we are who we are.

No matter what we do or what we change about ourselves, there will always be something else to fixate on; something about ourself which we believe is not “good enough”. We tend to focus on what someone else has and think that we want that as well.

Imagine if everyone thought that way and acted on those thoughts. Everyone would look the same; no one would be unique or interesting.

Remember that a lot of people are not who they seem to be. If we compare ourselves to someone on a magazine cover, they will probably have been heavily photoshopped. The same goes for almost anyone on social media or numerous other places online. It’s so easy for anyone to tweak their images and remove any flaws with the help of photoshop.

The truth is that we should take every image we see with a grain of salt and refrain from comparing ourselves to anyone else. We need to create a vision of perfection for ourself and work towards that instead. Alternatively, work on loving ourselves for who we are because we don’t need to change a thing.

What other people think is not our responsibility

It sounds so simple, and that is because it is. It’s not our responsibility what other people say or think about us; it’s theirs. There are usually two reasons why someone will say hurtful things about us; the first is that they are bluntly honest, and the other is because they are jealous.

Determine what type of person they are; who said it. Instead of focusing on what they said or how it makes us feel, focus on the kind of person they are. More often than not, this will help us realise where those words came from and the spirit in which they were said.

Their words are a reflection of who they are, not who we are or how we’re supposed to be.

When someone says something hurtful to another person, it will often be as a result of something that’s happening in their life. It’s not an excuse, because it’s not right, but at least it’s an explanation which will help us understand what thoughts lay behind them.

Even though it can be incredibly hurtful when someone says something about our appearance or personality, we must remember that we are not a reflection of their opinions, nor should we try to be.

How to put less weight on other people’s words

Whether it’s a question, a nickname, or just words filled with anger, frustration or hatred, it’s painful when someone says something destructive towards us. Unfortunately, words can hit harder than stones, and they can stay with us for years to come.

There are ways to put less weight on the opinions of others that will help us release the pressure of seeking approval from others.

Acknowledge the truth

If someone looks down on us, or if someone makes a snarky remark about us, we need to consider if we believe these comments to be accurate or not.

Occasionally someone might give us a piece of advice that we took as a hurtful comment because we disagreed with it. Instead, we should think about what was said; was it laced with hatred or was it intended as constructive criticism?

Maybe it is something we need to work with, in which case we can change the negative into a positive and try to feel grateful that they helped us realise what we could improve about ourselves.

Everyone has insecurities

Everyone wishes they could change something about themselves, even the most beautiful people. Almost anyone will occasionally look at someone and think “I wish I were more like them” or “I wish I had those teeth”.

Additionally, it is essential to know that if someone is trying to push us down, it might be because they see how confident we look, and want us to feel as insecure as they do.

Sometimes, someone will make a remark about us, and they will say that something is wrong with us, but in reality, they are afraid that we are thinking the same thing about them.

For example, if someone says “your smile is crooked” to you out of nowhere, the chances are that they saw your smile, thought about the insecurities they have about their smile and projected that onto you instead.

Acknowledge your worth

We will often seek approval from someone else when our self-worth is low. It is essential to acknowledge how important we are, and how loved and accepted we are by being who we are to the people who matter to us.

Furthermore, we should take care of ourselves and realise how significant we are in the world. We are the only person we can ever truly trust. We are in control of who we are and what we want to be.

If someone says something hurtful to us, it is evident that they aren’t feeling good about themselves, and we shouldn’t take what they’re saying as facts.

Work on self-acceptance

If we feel confident with ourselves, we won’t take what other people say so seriously because we know who we are and we enjoy being ourselves.

Some people will find it easy to build confidence, but if our current state of mind is ‘I hate myself’, then it is much easier to learn how to accept ourselves before we start loving ourselves.

Just like confidence, self-acceptance is a skill that requires practice. Usually, the hateful thoughts we have about ourselves stem from a negative thought process. This process is why it is essential to push away any negative thoughts and start thinking positively instead.

Positive thinking is talked about everywhere, and it is a crucial part of self-acceptance.

It says more about them than it does about us

Additionally, we always need to remember not to listen to the opinions of anyone who we wouldn’t ask for advice.

For example, if someone you dislike or don’t know tells you that your laugh is annoying, there is no reason why you should listen to them and take their opinions to heart because it is just that: their opinion.

If we dislike them, it doesn’t matter what they thought, because we didn’t value their opinion in the first place, and it is certainly not a reason for us to change anything about ourselves.

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

— Mark Twain

Conclusion

Even though it often seems like other people get to have a say in who we are and who we should be, they don’t, because it’s all up to us.

Many people seem to have opinions about so many things we do, and it can be challenging to ignore them, but there are a few things to keep in mind when someone tells us we’re not good enough.

We often seek approval from others, but it’s exhausting, and there is absolutely no reason why we should do it. It’s good to keep in mind that we shouldn’t burden ourselves with what other people think about us; instead, we need to realise how important we are and that we don’t need to change for anyone.

It’s easy to let some hurtful words bring us down and keep them with us for years, but it is essential to let go of the weight of other people’s opinions through understanding the intention behind their words. Once we can do that, we can then begin our journey towards self-acceptance and gradually become more confident in ourselves.