How to stop caring what others think about you…
Do you always worry about what others think? Perhaps not doing something because you’re afraid of what others will say? You are not alone, learn why you care what others say and how to decide what to keep and what to let go of.
‘Well-liked and popular,’ according to my 11-year-old son’s school report; he is also very kind. The kindness comment warmed my heart, yet the compliments about being well-liked and popular made me sigh with relief……and that bothered me — relieved?! Was that really the right reaction from a half century, greying older man who has learned not to give a crap to people’s bullshit over the years?
Believe me it wasn’t the well-liked and popular comment I questioned it was my reaction — a chink in the armour perhaps? Am I still to shake off the remaining ‘conditioning’ imposed on me since childhood because it is so ingrained in us from an early age — the need to be well-liked? The importance of being popular!
Career choice has an impact here as well. I’d argue that communicators must be well-liked and popular; we work hard at it, and we need people to warm to us and trust us in order for us to perform a good job.
You have to be able to smile through the bullshit (I have said this word twice now!) It’s true, we do.
Do you have a desire to be popular and well-liked? Or are you one of the few people who can honestly declare they don’t base their self-worth on how others see them?
I’m not going to lie, it took me a while. Well, 50 (shh!) years to be exact, but I’ve finally arrived.
Guess what, it turns out I’d been looking at it all wrong………a well known Homer phrase comes to mind, and no not ‘Beeeeer’!
I struggled to fit in as a child. I could never seem to identify my ‘gang’; I was always on the edge, which made me an easy target for bullies.
My lovely, knowledgeable mother would repeatedly tell me:
‘If people don’t like you, they can look the other way.’
It’s a good mantra, and it still rings true when I feel the need to apologise for being opinionated, being a fella, or simply taking up space in a way that people don’t like. There are always some who dislike it and dislike me….and that is OK!
We all know that you will never be liked by everyone. I’m not exactly dishing out knowledge you don’t already know here but bear with me.
Nonetheless, I’ve always aspired to be one of those people that honestly doesn’t care what others think of them. I’ve been looking for paradise. If only I could achieve that state, I would be free; free of self-doubt, free of doubting my own worth, free to be myself.
I thought I’d grown out of the anxious, nervous youngster who cared so much about what other people thought of me, whether I was liked. But all it takes is a little unkindness, a tough family member, or some workplace squabbling, and I’m back there — miserable and worthless.
Interestingly, research has shown that those who grow up with poor self-esteem would continue to believe that they have no worth even after they achieve achievement. A lesson for those of us with little children to guide: make sure the child(ren) around you value their self-esteem.
Anyway, there I was, still holding out hope that one day I would reach the freedom of disinterest; the freedom of not caring what people thought.
I believe in being your honest, true self. I’ll cheerfully rant to anyone who will listen about the significance of personal values because I honestly believe it affects how you live, behave, and work. It also teaches you how to react when someone’s values are diametrically opposed to your own.
But there remained a nagging doubt in the back of my mind: what if, even if I’m living my principles and being the true me, people still don’t like me?
According to popular belief, caring what other people think isn’t good for you. You can find as many self-assured memes or Instagram hashtags as you want on this page. Isn’t the solution of not caring at all, however, also unhealthy?
It is often urged: be the nonconformist rebel who revels in your own self-assurance and does not rely on opinion or the concept of popularity. People can look the other way if they don’t like you, right?
But do you want to know what I’ve finally realised? It’s not possible. I still worry what other people think of me, no matter how hard I try. But I’ve also learnt that not all opinions are equal.
I’ll return to my wise mother and another term she taught me to cling to when not-so-nice humans were being, well, not-so-nice:
“I’d be worried if you did like me.”
Yep. If you believe someone is a jerk, why should you care what they think of you? She most likely stole this idea from another smart philosopher…
Perhaps we should disregard the majority’s — the unwise — opinion in favour of the opinions of those who are wise or educated.
So, only listen to those whose opinions matter to you. It appears simple, but let’s take it a step farther.
According to research, you should construct a hierarchy of opinion — you need not take on everyone’s opinions but be mindful of the ones that do matter. The following list appears to be in the order of importance to me:
- Immediate family members: spouse, children, and parents
- Bosses and close associates
- Co-workers and neighbours
- Friendships
- People you meet on the street or in passing at a party
This makes far more sense to me than the catch-all idea — my illusory paradise — of not caring what others think of you.
It’s fascinating that bosses rank second on his list after close friends. It demonstrates how critical it is to have that management and leadership connection, to provide the most honest advice and opinion to those who work with you.
I have always listened to any clear feedback provided to me by a manager, but I have only taken feedback from managers I respect.
A great boss once told me that people who work for you don’t have to like you, but they do have to respect you.
I’ve worked hard to be a respected leader over the years by keeping true to my values. Integrity is also important to me because it generates trust, and where would we be if there was no trust in the world? I tried not to care if everyone I worked with liked me. Finally, they don’t truly know me; they know a workplace version of me.
The best managers and colleagues get to know the real you (when you let them), and then, yes, I value their opinion. If I’m behaving like a stubborn fool, I trust them to tell me as much as I trust a good friend.
Of course, everyone’s hierarchy will differ slightly from mine, and it’s probably worth your time to figure out what works best for you. Hopefully, this list will offer you a place to start.
In a toxic family, your close friends’ opinions may carry more weight than your relatives’ and if you’re self-employed, you’re your own employer, so perhaps your professional colleagues will advance higher?
I’ve subsequently developed my own hierarchy of opinion and can honestly tell that it has completely changed my perspective on whether or not I am liked. I’m only interested in the top tier of my hierarchy; I’m no longer interested in the lesser layers. When confronted, I go over this in my brain and am now better able to dismiss unkindness or whining.
Caring less according to your own hierarchy is excellent, but you still need a mechanism to measure your likeability; you have to earn it. This is where values come into play for me — front and centre.
You can’t go around pissing people off simply because their opinions of you doesn’t matter to you. However, if you have a clear knowledge of what matters to you — your values — then other people’s comments, whether invited or not, will feel less like judgements and more like a useful measure on your ongoing personal progress.
So, examine your behaviour through the eyes of others — at all levels of your opinion hierarchy — and hold yourself accountable for their reactions.
Focus less on whether they like you and more on whether you like you.
I’m getting too deep here! I’ll end it now since I’m starting to sound like a phoney counsellor. This was just intended to be a reflection essay on how I’ve changed my thinking, not the click-bait ‘how to guide’ that my story title may have led you to believe.
My upheaval has led me to understand that I’ll never be one of those people who doesn’t care what others say, and it wouldn’t be all that liberating either. People will always like me and people will dislike me, sometimes irrationally.
Some people have a vested interest in making you feel inadequate. No matter what you do, they will think you are wrong, but others will look at you and approve. They will respect you for things that you take for granted. Try to find these people.
I’m lucky I’ve already found these people, amongst my friends and colleagues and guess what, the numbers fit on one hand! Who can resonate with being young and popular and wanting EVERYONE to like you, as you get older you weed out ‘your people’ from that list, the ones who will be on the end of the phone in troubled times. The people that helped you home after falling asleep drunk on the park bench as your legs failed to work to get home safely — yes, yes, not my finest moment, I was young and impressionable………I digress!
It’s something I never took for granted, but which I may have neglected in my attempt to cease caring what other people thought.
Not caring had always seemed impossible. I’ve wasted a lot of time and unhappiness trying to figure this out, so I’m hoping my rants will help someone else see things differently.
I’m pleased that my son is well-liked and popular, but I’m not relieved. He’ll eventually form his own opinion hierarchy and, ideally, won’t spend his life trying to stop worrying what other people think.
‘Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind,’ is one of my favourite phrases of all time.
Hi, my name is Scotty. Having been a senior leader in both HR and IT professions for nearly 30 years I enjoy writing about management styles, leadership techniques and values, along with anything else in the world that piques my interest. To see my stories pop up on your feed, I would love for you to follow me and if you enjoy reading my articles and would like to have stories sent directly to you, please subscribe to my newsletter.