How to Stop Being So Defensive
The subtle art of forming true connections with others.
Last Friday, I went on a fancy Italian date with this young, well-dressed man. He was an ambitious, entrepreneur-loving vegetarian who listened to finance podcasts while lifting heavy weights at his local gym.
‘Too perfect,’
I thought as I bit into my truffle mushroom fries. Though I was a year younger than him, I felt like I was everywhere. I was still trying to figure myself out in baby steps.
We were smiling at each other, throwing questions about our hobbies and passions — the usual jam of small talks.
‘I don’t listen to music. Listening to songs makes me feel like I am wasting my time,’ he said.
I was speechless. Being a singer-songwriter, I was genuinely taken aback. Yet he was a pleasant person with a great sense of humour and I didn’t let it bother me.
‘If you don’t watch sports, then what do you do in your free time?’ He continued with a quizzical look.
‘Well if I don’t watch sports, does that mean there is nothing to do?’ I laughingly asked.
As the night rolled in and questions were tossed around, my answers became more indirect, foggy and soon, more cutting.
Laughter turned nervous and crackly and soon when we parted in our own ways, I couldn’t help but wonder,
‘Why am I so defensive?’
Sharon Ellison, author of Taking the War Out of Our Words, defined defensiveness in the most perfect way — which is to react with ‘a war mentality to a non-war issue’.
Being a social worker in a juvenile court in the US, Sharon was exposed to several violence-inciting conflicts. This made her create a communication model known as ‘Powerful Non-Defensive Communication’ [PNDC].
What Triggers Defensiveness?
Everyone is wired to protect themselves to a certain extent. It is ingrained within the human mind as a reactive mode to a situation that doesn’t require much decision making.
When two people engage in a conversation, and when it is fueled by interrogation instead of questions bred by pure curiosity, defensiveness is triggered. Body language like frowns and furrowed eyebrows are misjudged and the person on the receiving end puts his guard up, resulting in a breakdown of communication.
Words are hurled around, masked by an off-beat sense of humour, while people play devils advocate, when all they’re doing is dancing around each other with metaphorical mental shields.
Why, then, are some of us more defensive than others? It’s largely down to our upbringing.
Research has shown that children raised in a strict household that are exposed to criticism and shame grow up to be sensitive with a distant demeanour and a tendency for aggressive verbal banter.
Although they may have other risk factors like poor self-esteem and temperament, isolation is a common issue. Increasingly distant and defensive adults struggle to forge strong interpersonal relationships due to the lack of open communication.
How to Tame a Defensive Mind
In order to control the tendencies of the defensive mind, Sharon’s PNDC model invites us to change 4 aspects of our communication.
1. Intention
Keeping questions purely curious as opposed to interrogative is one of the most essential steps in maintaining an open, friendly exchange.
Interrogative questions, whether in a dating or friendship context, make one feel scrutinized and increase one’s tendency to withdraw.
2. Voice Tone
Very often, we come across people who have different values and interests to us. Rather than questioning it in a disapproving or a mocking tone, adopt a neutral, non-judgemental tone of voice.
3. Body Language
No frowning, crossing arms or shaking heads.
If someone is very different from you, don’t scowl at them. Even if it offends you, maintaining neutrality in terms of body language is just as important as voice tone.
4. Parts of Phrasing
Sharing beliefs in such a way that does not cause the other person to feel criticized or limited is also key to this communication model.
Avoid negative phrases like ‘You don’t do this?’ or ‘Why don’t you like this?’
Rather, use positive, affirmative language which encourages both parties in a conversation and deepens the relationship.
Practicing Non-Defensive Communication is a Spiritual Practice
Spiritual? Yes, taking off those mental shields off and opening up requires a sense of vulnerability. Vulnerability requires courage and that takes the spirit of the soul.
Nowadays, communications is more of a power battle where people are obsessed with the idea of who is ‘right’. However, that mode of communication is so destructive.
Studies have shown miscommunication and poor receiving of criticism to be the main reasons for the broken ties of friendships, relationships and marriages.
Maybe not everything is a battle. Maybe it doesn’t matter who is smarter, who is better and who wins.
Sometimes, it’s simply about listening to each other with intent, rather than judgement and expressing views in a feedback manner.
And that is how a two way communication is facilitated. That is how different ideas and perspectives are brought to light without any form of resentment.