How to Stop Being a People Pleaser All of The Time

Your true identity is better than the fake one you’re trying to push.

My first college roommate was a mess.

She’d always trash the room. She never went to class. She brought her boyfriend over a million times (sometimes doing things in the bedroom). And she kept trying to fit in too damn much.

I never liked her from the start. Before we even met each other in person, I knew she was bad news. Judging from the number of texts she sent me daily, I knew we weren’t going to get along — and I was fine with that.

I minded my own business, but for some reason, she wouldn’t leave me be.

She would always try and plan activities for us to do together. I respectfully declined, but she couldn’t get around my denial of her request.

Why do we all want to fit in so damn much?

Well, I have a theory.

The Feeling of Denial Sucks So Bad That We’d Rather Force Ourselves Onto Others

Everyone is a people pleaser. There are different levels to this, but we’ve all been there at some point in our lives.

Struggling every night while studying for three tests is being a people pleaser. Doing your laundry so your mom won’t curse you out is being a people pleaser. Playing a song you know a lot of people will dance to is being a people pleaser.

No one wants to deal with the disappointment of not blending in with the crowd.

We all have those cognitive social cues that tell us what’s wrong and right. We have a group-think mentality. When everyone chooses to go right, we agree with them, even though we chose left first.

So what happens after feeling denied?

We make fools out of ourselves. I remember acting like the class clown in school just because it attracted a large group of people around me. People loved me for it — so I OVER did it.

How do we cure ourselves of trying to blend in with the crowd?

Spend time alone.

Get a Better Sense of Who You Are By Being Alone

I get it.

We’re all little flower petals drifting in the wind trying to find our place in the world. Most of our identity comes from our parents when we’re younger. Then, we become adolescents.

We go through changes. We see other kids go through changes. We begin to socialize with others, and hopefully, get an identity from the groups we congregate in.

But that identity will always be a GIVEN identity — not something you’ve cultivated and made your own.

The more you socialize with groups, the more you start forming your identity from that group. For example, if you’re one of the jocks at school, your entire identity will revolve around being a jock. But you’re much more than that, right?

So spend some time at the lunch table sitting alone.

You might find out certain things about yourself you would’ve never known before.

Spend More Time With People Who Keep You Grounded

My family keeps it real with me.

My sister is BRUTALLY honest. If my hair looked crazy one day, she’d tell me in a heartbeat. She doesn’t care if she hurts my feelings. She’s just being honest. I do the same with her.

My sister’s brutal honesty keeps me grounded.

We’ve entered into a new age where giving your honest opinion automatically makes you a hater. No. It makes you the biggest cheerleader. Who wants to see others look dumb or fail?

I’m more self-aware when I’m around grounded people. I know who I am. I’m not afraid to be myself. I don’t care about anyone else in the room.

Find some honest people who’ve always had your back. They know more about you than you know about yourself.

Let Everyone Else Catch Up to You

In the words of Beyonce:

“Don’t dumb yourself down for the sake of others. Let the industry catch up to you.”

She was talking about music, but this can be applied to your life too.

I was exiled from my faithful high school clique about four years ago. They were a borderline KKK group who made racist jokes every two seconds. I’ll never understand why I stayed in that group. I couldn’t take the racism anymore.

I got some of them in trouble for their racist remarks and the whole group punished me by termination.

I had no friends anymore. I spent two years alone in college. Then, I made a whole new group of friends after I had that alone time. I didn’t seek out any new friends. All of them came naturally.

This is a prime example of the above quote.

Stop dumbing yourself down for the sake of others. Be yourself and watch them run to you.

Final Thought

I hope this helped you gain the confidence to be yourself instead of fitting in.

Fitting in is boring. Don’t be a people pleaser. Spend some time by yourself. Spend some time with grounded people. Then, watch everyone else catch up to you.

That’s all it takes.

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