How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
And Start Living Your Life
“But I can’t say no… What will they think of me?” Sounds familiar? Welcome to the people pleaser club. But don’t worry, you’re not alone. It’s a learned behaviour that we may only come to the self-awareness to change at a later stage in life.
Perhaps you might feel like you’ve been tired of living this way but don’t know how to start saying no as all you’ve ever known is saying yes and being the ‘nice person’. But there is a fine line to pleasing others, being ‘nice’ at the expense of sacrificing your own needs and wants.
Let’s dial a step back. Do you know what are your needs and wants? And more importantly, do you know how to confidently communicate them across? As people pleasers, we might not have learned how to voice our needs and often feel selfish or uncomfortable to do so.
But constantly suppressing one’s needs will only lead to unhappiness and even resentment. I encourage you to assess how you are communicating your needs, or even — are you communicating them?
One of my best piece of advice for you if you are struggling as a people pleaser is to learn about assertive communication and setting boundaries.
“Walls keep everyone out. Boundaries teach people where the door is.” — Mark Groves
And don’t blame yourself. It takes practice and it’s a new way of being! And setting boundaries doesn’t mean that you start building up a wall; it’s about taking a balanced approach, being able to convey your own opinions in an assertive and respectful way yet leave room for some give and take.
Keep this in mind if you struggle with saying no as a start. Think: What can I offer, but not take away or compromise my values or needs?
It’s about clearly stating what you can or cannot do, teaching the other person where the line is and how you want to be treated. Start valuing your own opinions and values more than what others think of you. Don’t give that power away!
It can be difficult in the beginning and you might fear rejection if you don’t say yes. Take some time to connect with yourself and what you value and need. It will give you a clearer WHY and motivation to build your new practice of saying NO. A lot of people pleasers also become so out of touch with what their needs are having constantly served others first.
And remember when you say NO, you are not saying no to the person, you are saying no to a specific request or ask. Leave no room for ambiguity when it comes to stating your needs. Use language like “I’m not comfortable with X”, “I can’t do that for you.”
Always think of the longer term effects and not carry a burden you don’t want. When you say no, think of what you’re saying yes to!
If you’ve enjoyed this piece and would like to learn more about mindset and personal growth, here are some of my other work:
