How to Stop Beating Yourself Up

“You’re human. Get over it.”

I beat myself up — a lot. The other day, I was berating myself for something. Maybe I had made a mistake, or I might have forgotten something important. It doesn’t matter what I had done, the self-judgement was in: I was a dumb-ass. A moron. So stuuuu-pid….On and on. Each critical word sent my mood into a nosedive.

Then that voice we all have in our heads said, “You’re human. Get over it.”

I burst out laughing at myself, and “You’re human. Get over it” has become my mantra.

Why do we find it so hard to give ourselves some slack? Why do we beat ourselves up over the slightest transgression or mistake? What purpose does castigating ourselves serve? Does self-critical thinking have value?

Surprisingly, it does. Research from Olivia Longe, Ph.D., Aston University School of Life and Health Sciences, has shown that “self-critical thinking [is linked] to a form of error processing and resolution, and the subsequent engagement of inhibitory processes.” It teaches us what not to do, for example, don’t touch the hot stove, avoid dark alleys late at night when we’re alone, and don’t pick up a chef’s knife by the blade. It moderates our behavior and helps us avoid what is unsafe. But it can go too far.

According to a in the Journal of Psychotherapy Integration, self-criticism can lead to a whole range of problems, such as depression, substance abuse, poor self-image, and more. It also can weaken our motivation and diminish our productivity.

Our inner critic is a sneaky, sly saboteur that watches for every opportunity to throw a caustic, accusatory slap. This nasty little bugger is you, me, all of us. The negative messaging may have originated with others back in our infancy and childhood, but now those voices are our own. We’ve allowed the messages to become part of us. We are the ones judging, criticizing, and castigating ourselves. That’s the good news. If it’s us, we can stop the negative, self-critical messaging.

“We can learn to say ‘no; to our mind’s inclinations, just as we say no to a child who’s doing something that will harm her. Sometimes a wiser and more evolved part of us has to step in and put a stop to the harmful behavior the mind is engaged in. Say ‘no’ or ‘stop’ out loud, so you can hear and experience it directly through your senses, rather than as just another thought inside the negative-addicted mind.” — Nancy Colier LCSW, Rev.

I’ve found practices from cognitive behavior therapy and neuro-linguistic programming helpful in learning how to hear my inner critic and disarm it. My inner voice that silenced my inner critic with, “You’re human. Get over it,” is the result of lots of inner work.

It can be hard to accept that we’re not perfect, that we have failures and foibles and will make mistakes, sometimes stupid ones. If we live long enough, we will have regrets about things we have done or not done or wish we had done. Self-acceptance, however, is embracing all of who we are, good, bad, ugly, beautiful — it’s embracing our humanity. This is the way to silence our inner critic and reconcile ourselves to who we are.

Dr. Srini Pillay, writing in Harvard Health Publishing, describes three ways to bolster self-acceptance. They are:

• Self-regulation: Focus on what is positive about ourselves, use a growth mindset and reframing to identify where we can improve, and allow ourselves to make mistakes and learn from them.
• Self-awareness: Pay attention to our inner critic and question what it is saying, consider whether there is value in the messages, reject and refute messages that are not constructive or supportive.
• Self-transcendence: Stop letting external forces and others’ opinions determine our self-worth, become part of something outside of and bigger than ourselves, and be authentic with ourselves and others.

The key is to treat ourselves with emotional intelligence just as we would a treasured friend. We don’t excuse ourselves, we accept responsibility and accountability for who we are and what we do while striving to improve what it means to be human.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, “You’re human. Get over it” has become my mantra. I return to it when my inner critic starts up. Often, I don’t consciously realize that it’s yammering at me, I just feel down, unhappy, irritable for no apparent reason. Then I know to stop and listen. There it is. That voice of doom, berating me yet again. I immediately forgive myself for whatever transgression I might have done and accept that I’m human.

If I can do this, you can.

“It’s ok to be human.” — Marushia Dark

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