How To Start A Fight With Family Over The Holidays
Take the last sip of Angel’s Envy Rye and say…
“When you get angry about my opinion regarding your all-white nativity scene, please remember you paid for my history degree.”
“There’s no way I came out of your vagina.”
“What’s Twitter Blue?”
“Consent is required even if she’s standing under the mistletoe, Uncle Abe.”
“Thank you for the cruelty-free mashed potatoes with soy milk. Now can we have a moment of silence for our dead guest, the turkey?”
“Sorry mom, I didn’t realize that washing underwear with the regular load required a second trip to confession.”
“This house is way too small for five adults who chew almonds louder than Grandpa quotes Fox News.”
“I’ll put my glasses on after I clean your living room. It’s for everyone’s well-being I not clearly see what I’m sitting in.”
“Honestly. If you don’t want to hear my thoughts on the impracticality of monogamy, don’t bring up Will Smith.”
“Where’s the plunger?”
“Some people *enjoy* getting urinated on.”
“I understand you’re from the south, but you chose a northern school. And we sprang for a winter wardrobe. So when your menopausal mother is visiting, grab a sweater and open the window.”
“You don’t own a sewing kit? Who raised you?”
“All your face masks smell like weed and cynicism.”
“I can’t poop in a dirty toilet. Tell me you have bleach here somewhere.”
“Oh my god. Stand over there if you’re gonna insist on garlic bread.”
“Really? You’re wearing that?”
“If ‘Bullet in the Head’ by Rage Against The Machine is a Christmas song, then Die Hard is a Christmas movie.”
“I unfolded a blanket and this necklace fell out. Please tell me you’re more careful with condoms.”
“I know. I know. I’m not as nice as your father. But who would you want in a fox hole? I mean, there’s a reason the bat is under my side of the bed.”
“Looking to see what cleaning supplies are needed and finding everything we bought last summer, still full, is a good news/bad news type situation.”
“Yes, as a matter of fact, I do believe expressing my every thought is necessary.”
“I’m not sure I understand the plotline of Midnight Gospel.”
“Zip it, Old Man, or I’ll sneak into your room tonight and turn off your CPAP machine.”
“You email us every detail of your colitis diagnosis but failed to mention this house doesn’t include an air filtration system?”
“It’s hard to create a situation where COVID would actually improve things, but you’ve managed to do it.”
“I’m sorry I called her ‘Kayleigh.’ In my defense, all your blonde girlfriends look alike.”
“Let’s go grocery shopping. My treat.”