How to Stand for Love
My catchphrase is “making empathy great again.” It’s a direct response to a very well-known political mantra but also a reflection of what I want my presence to stand for in my world. Will #MEGA trend one day, that remains to be seen.
For most of my life, my sensitive soul had no boundaries or limits. I thought being loving meant allowing myself to be pushed, prodded, and sometimes kicked. I believed I was loving amid fear or anger.
The next phase of my life was learning I had the power to walk away from unloving situations or people, that I didn’t have to take it. I learned to put up boundaries and allow myself to love people and situations “from afar.”
So rather than endure maltreatment or painful situations, I learned how to remove myself from situations and justify my exit. Bye, Felicia! Not my circus, not my monkeys!
When these relationships or scenarios were especially important to me I allowed my voice to express my negative thoughts and feelings about them, focusing on what I did not like or agree with. Sharing openly and often what I did not agree with or want to have an association with.
The old saying is if you stand for everything you stand for nothing. These words inspired me to speak out against abuse and injustice and become involved in activism.
As I joined these groups of people fighting for a cause, I quickly observed them fighting with their peers as much as they fought against those we were trying to influence into positive change.
I saw this in my work too, where non-profits and mission-centered organizations had cultures of gossip, harassment, and high levels of anxiety among their staff.
These groups were ultimately trying to create love for the marginalized whether people, animals, or the environment, by practicing hate against those who oppose them. How do we create empathy with intolerance, even if the intolerance is societally accepted or personally justified?
Recently I shared with my therapist a situation I had with my children’s other side of their family. I had put in place boundaries to protect myself from feeling hurt or getting angry. I didn’t feel capable of handling their anger or disapproval of my parenting or lifestyle.
My therapist understood and said it’s understandable you would feel it would be safer with walls up around you. What if I told you though, that the goal is to get to a place where you have no walls, that you being you, regardless of what is around you or in contact with you, is protection enough?
This didn’t sit well with me at first, my instincts had me jump straight into defense mode and I started to list all the ways I had been hurt and how it took a long time to get to this place of having boundaries. I shouldn’t have to stay in situations that are hurting me, isn’t it better to know when to quit? I need to stand up for myself! Am I just supposed to let people walk all over me and hurt me?
She said I’m not saying at all that you should remain in places you don’t want to be in or that can inflict harm on you. “What I am saying is, if you truly need to stand for something how can you stand in love? How can your presence, the love inside of you be protection enough?”
My brain started to think of current situations and events that had been weighing down my heart and what behaviours and language was I practicing in response to them.
I thought of personal situations that were very specific to me and my life as well as global issues such as genocide and what my activism looked like. Was I creating love or was I widening the divide with more hate for the opposition?
That same evening my son had a basketball game and I was sitting with my oldest when family from the other parents side came in and sat near us. My first thought was to flee and give us space, which is something I often did. Not to show them how uncomfortable I was around them, but in my mind to create space and room for comfort and security.
I thought about what my therapist said and challenged my thoughts. If I truly love myself, why would I believe my presence was a burden to others? If I love my children who are part of that family too, what does that say to my kids when I choose to not be present when we are in the same physical space?
Placing a hand on my heart I pictured myself hugging my stepdaughter with love. I pictured her turning towards me with hurt or anger and seeing myself give a loving and warm response. Rather than focus on the anger or frustration of how complicated these relationships are, I chose to love the humans in front of me. I sat tall and allowed myself to enjoy my son’s sport.
It was hard. My pulse raced, I felt fear, I felt shame, I felt anger towards them and me but I kept repeating in my head the word love. Nothing occurred, we didn’t interact, we just sat near each other. Later that evening while at home alone with my family, I felt deeply relaxed.
A few days later I gathered the courage to have a conversation asking for something I needed and expressing a difference of opinion with someone I admire and love greatly. These are things I would usually just tuck away and believe that the loving thing to do would be to make the entire issue my problem to deal with all by myself. Again, scared to burden someone else with my needs or feelings.
Love requires honesty, trust and communication, and by staying silent or venting to my diary that is not actually standing in love for myself or my relationship with that person. I want all of my relationships to be rich and full of engagement and connection. Why would I practice withdrawal as a way to grow connection?
That conversation was held, and that night again I felt so free and light hearted. I went with my boyfriend to the store and I had to cash in a lottery ticket that had won five dollars. The cashier asked to see my photo identification, that had never happened before. I said, “Um, sure, here you go.”
The clerk started to laugh and said, “I am so sorry I thought you were way younger.”
I said, “ So young that I wouldn’t be legal to play the lottery?”
She said, “Yes! You look very youthful!”
Turning to my younger boyfriend I said, “Maybe it’s my hot young other half!”
He laughed too and grabbed my hand to squeeze it. We chatted and laughed with the cashier for a couple of minutes. She said to me, “You are the kind of person I like to be friends with.”
I believe this is because as I continue to grow my practice of love it casts a very bright light that is both soft and strong.
If you liked this article you may enjoy these by myself, Ngozi Anna Akunne, Ashely L. Crouch and Leonard Tillerman: