Summary

The article provides a satirical guide on identifying "Nice Guys," characterized by their self-proclaimed niceness, sense of entitlement to romantic attention, and contradictory behavior towards women.

Abstract

"How to Spot a Nice Guy in the Wild" is a humorous and insightful piece that outlines the characteristics of a "Nice Guy," a term used to describe men who believe their romantic failures are due to being too nice. These individuals often exhibit behaviors such as persistent messaging despite disinterest, expecting sexual favors in exchange for basic decency, and reacting with anger or resentment when their advances are rejected. The article emphasizes the irony in their behavior, as they claim to respect women but simultaneously objectify and devalue them based on their own unmet expectations. The piece also notes the common habitats of Nice Guys, including social media platforms and real-life settings, and their tendency to congregate when a woman chooses a partner they deem unworthy.

Opinions

The author suggests that Nice Guys are distinct from genuinely good men, as they use their perceived niceness as a manipulation tactic.
Nice Guys are criticized for their belief in a barter economy where acts of kindness are transactional and should lead to sexual rewards.
The article points out the hypocrisy of Nice Guys who compliment women's bodies and then feign innocence when called out for objectification.
Nice Guys are portrayed as individuals who struggle to understand consent and respect personal boundaries.
The author mocks the Nice Guy's tendency to play the victim and question a woman's choice when romantic advances are not reciprocated.
The piece highlights the Nice Guy's double standard of criticizing women for choosing partners based on looks while also only showing interest in conventionally attractive women.
The author implies that Nice Guys are not as rare as one might think, and they often reveal themselves through their actions and words, particularly in their insistence on being recognized as nice.

How to Spot a Nice Guy in the Wild

This not-so-rare creature can be elusive — here are some top tips to catch them in their natural habitats.

Art by author. Inspiration from Radha Marcum.

Almost everyone I know has met a Nice Guy, but sometimes they can be tricky to spot. They are often seen in a jeans-and-shirt getup, but sometimes the external appearance isn’t enough for a positive identification. Behavioral cues are best when trying to identify this species in the wild.

Not to be confused with the Lesser Douchebag, or the Minor Ass*ole, the Nice Guy is unique in the natural world for believing that he is unable to find a mate purely because he is too Nice. Many times one of the tree of species will message you, but only the Nice Guy will continue to message even after being repeatedly ignored or refused, sometimes for years. A most unusual behavior.

This sort of characteristic can make them slightly more camouflaged as it’s tricky for beginners to identify, but no worries, there are several more entry-level signposts.

You know he’s a Nice Guy if he lets you know, repeatedly, that he would never take advantage of you if you’re too drunk to say no.

Nice Guys won’t ever take from you, no. They’ll almost never use force because they don’t need to. Nice Guys just ask and ask and ask and then when you say no, they act like you’ve personally wronged them.

In the end, you wind up questioning who’s the bad guy here — is it them, for asking for what they so clearly believe they deserve? Or is it you, for withholding that which you could give them for free? They’re just being Nice, after all. That’s when you know you’ve been in contact with a genuine Nice Guy.

Nice Guys are known for demonstrating an excellent grasp of irony when they tell you you’re a frigid slut because you’ll sleep with other men, but not them. If you’ve been called a frigid slut, you’ve probably been in the very near vicinity of a Nice Guy! Smashing.

Nice Guys might be the shoulder to cry on, until they realize that you will never be naked while crying on their shoulder, and they then rescind the shoulder. This is a very common tell, and frequently is the moment that amateur spotters realize they’ve seen one.

Nice Guys are known for believing in the barter economy — the “I was a nice guy, I didn’t force you to kiss me, so that means you have to kiss me” school of thought. Nice guys believe friendship between a woman and a man can only even be a precursor to a relationship and sex; and should you disagree, they will exit the friendship in search of sexier pastures. Sexy pastures are a very typical habitat for Nice Guys, at least until they’re forcibly evicted by the Hot Ass*oles.

Nice Guys tell you that women are beautiful creatures. Nice Guys will compliment you on your tits, and then tell you they were just being Nice when you get offended.

Nice Guys are rational, logical beings. They never rely on emotion, and only get angry when they’re right, because they’re full of hot, steamy, raging self righteousness. When in this mode, they’re easy to spot from a distance, so keep your eyes peeled.

Nice Guys love to tell girls that they’re not like other girls, like it’s a compliment.

Where might you find a Nice Guy? Personally as a hobbyist spotter, I’ve seen some commonly in my Twitter DMs, Instagram DMs, and of course in real life. Most surprising and unusual was the LinkedIn Nice Guy! A very rare and satisfying spot for me.

Nice Guys are like raindrops in that when there’s one around, there are likely to be several more soon to come, so if you’ve seen one you’ll most likely meet more very shortly. Nice Guys gather every time a woman ends up choosing to go with a man who will inevitably hurt her, instead of a Nice Guy. The mating call of a Nice Guy sounds like the words, “Won’t you just give me a chance?”

A Nice Guy will always bemoan the fact that women only choose men for looks, but they themselves only be interested in “hot” women.

Nice Guys herald aloud the fact that they can’t get a date, or that women are never interested in them, and are notable for their ability to simultaneously believe that women are interested in being objectified, but also will be attracted to them if they don’t objectify them, while objectifying them. That’s a trifecta!

In the end, if you’ve been hemming and hawing and wondering if you’ve seen one or not, the most obvious marker of a Nice Guy is when a guy that has to tell you he’s nice.

Happy spotting!