How To Spot A Bullshitter
It (should be) easier than it seems.
Alright, here’s the deal: I want the points in this article to help you identify and swiftly move away from someone who is so full of B.S. that it is pouring out of their eyeballs.
“James, I can already spot them a mile away!”
That’s great! And maybe some of you can — but many of us end up going down the wrong road or in the wrong relationship with the wrong person because they’ve got us so caught up in a web of lies that we don’t even know what’s real anymore.
Example A, B, and C: Many, many Netflix documentaries about otherwise intelligent people being swindled by con-artists.
None of these people thought it’d ever happen to them.
All of these people would’ve thought themselves immune to such brazen nonsense.
But, as the old saying goes: Precipitation gon’ precipitate…manipulators gon’ manipulate.
Alright, I just made that up.
Either way, let’s talk about some giant waving red flags that you should always keep in mind, no matter how handsome, beautiful, charming, or well-spoken someone is.
Disclaimer: I want to acknowledge the obvious truth that manipulation is very real, and nobody chooses to be on the receiving end of it. While I have been a life and relationship coach for more than a decade, I am not a psychologist nor am I licensed to diagnose or opine on a “condition” that may lead to these behaviors, such as narcissism. These are my opinions and based on conversations with clients and my own personal life.
Now, onward:
1: Grandiose promises about the future.
Most people who make gigantic claims about all of the things they’re going to give to you (“as long as you do XYZ…) are, well, full of shit.
Keep in mind that this is not the same thing as someone who discusses big dreams, goals, and future plans with you — that’s the type of teamwork and partnership you want in a relationship.
The difference lies in both the extremity of the promise, your duties in order for them to fulfill that promise (whether it’s physical, financial, or otherwise), and mostly: How detached it is from their current reality.
In other words: Do they have any sort of track record of doing what they’re promising? Do they live a life that resembles the reality they’re representing to you? What are their past patterns in life and love — and do you even know what those are?
In the Neflix documentary “Bad Vegan,” a con-artist convinces a successful Manhattan Restaurateur that he’s capable of making her dog immortal (This is before, during, and after she’d wired him nearly two million dollars over the course of a few years).
That would be a good example of a grandiose promise that should send you running in the other direction.
2: They have absolutely no flaws whatsoever.
Everyone makes mistakes, right?
Right.
But…not everyone admits to their mistakes.
We’ve all met someone that absolutely refuses to be wrong about anything. They’ll twist the truth, jump over it, justify, make excuses, and perform Olympic level mental gymnastics around their mistake before ever actually owning up to it.
The very foundation of this way of thinking is, well, bullshit.
How can it not be? It’s detached from the truth, which by definition, makes it a lie.
If someone is willing to lie to you in order to preserve their own reputation or avoid any responsibility for their actions — the immediate next question is:
“What else would this person lie about? And, what other lies have they already told?”
3: Everything they do or have is the best.
You know this person. You’ve met them before.
You score a 90, they score a 91.
Your neighbor just bought a Porsche, their neighbor bought 2 Porsches.
You lost 10 pounds, they lost 12 pounds.
Your TV is 70 inches, theirs is 75.
Now, listen — I get it. There are plenty of people in the world doing amazing things, reaching high levels of success, creating spectacular lives for themselves (that’s what I help my clients do).
So, I am not discounting a person’s achievements by any means.
What I am suggesting, is that nobody has the best of everything, all the time.
Nobody is the best at everything, all the time.
Michael Jordan’s baseball career flopped. He’s still one of the greatest basketball players of all time — oh, and he’s also a billionaire.
But he wasn’t the best baseball player.
Admitting that requires a grip on reality and honesty with one’s self. An overly-inflated ego that refuses to be 2nd best will make up a slew of lies just to look like the best.
These people are very difficult to have real conversations with and relate to on a deeper, human level because everything is a competition to them. They’d rather “win” than to connect with you — and there’s no bond to be built with a person like that.
4: They ask you for money.
The truth is that it’s not just grandmas and grandpas being scammed for money over the phone anymore — it’s successful and intelligent people of all ages who get swindled by charming and romantic partners who SUDDENLY NEED 10 THOUSAND DOLLARS FROM YOU.
Another charming and romantic 2022 Netflix documentary highlighted “The Tinder Swindler,” a conman who swindled millions of dollars out of women whom he’d met through…you guessed it, Tinder.
There is absolutely no reason you should be sending any amount of money, let alone sums with a comma, to a person you barely know — or even have known for a few months.
Let me put an asterisk on this:
If you have the means and you can verify the need and the destination of funds, and a person you care about is in serious danger, then, I mean — nobody likes to hang a loved one out to dry.
But if you’re just blindly wiring money to a person for “a thing” and never knowing where it’s going — there’s almost a guarantee that they’re going to need more…and more…and more…and you’ll probably never see it (or them) again.
“James, this example is ridiculous, these types of things never happen in real life.”
Yeah, they don’t happen until they do.
If a person is (looks to be) living a high-flying lifestyle surrounded by millionaires but then suddenly needs your money for a mysterious reason — just say no.
5: They become highly defensive when challenged.
Honest people have a level of self-awareness that keeps them rooted in reality. They understand ups and downs, goods and bads, pluses and minuses.
They’re willing to have conversations, admit fault, and hear differing opinions from their own.
Someone who has propped up a false reality for themselves, though, knows deep down that it can come crashing down like a house of cards under even the smallest weight of suspicion.
The result of this is high alert at all times.
They must eliminate any threat to this reality the moment it arises — and that includes any sort of questions or challenges that could potentially reveal the truth.
If someone is safeguarding something with such extremity, one begins to ask themselves what’s really behind the curtain.
6: They say everything and nothing all at the same time.
It’s one thing to be decorative with your speech — it’s a whole other thing to use it as a concealer.
Master bullshitters will perfect the art of flooding you with words to the point where you have no idea what they’re actually trying to say.
This is because their objective is the confusion.
It’s the enormously long novel of a text that you cannot possibly reply to in detail.
It’s the rant that goes absolutely nowhere.
It’s the “non-answer” of an answer that does nothing but avoid the actual question.
Be honest with yourself about what someone is actually saying to you, not what you convince yourself that they’re trying to say.
7: Your instincts are sounding the alarm bells.
Here’s the big one.
The mother (or father) of all points here.
I believe that we, as humans, deep down know when someoen is lying to us.
We know there’s something off about their behavior, or body language, or the words they’re using.
We know something doesn’t feel exactly right, even if we can’t put our finger on what it is.
This is where our emotions play tricks on us.
This is the rocky ground where we start ignoring the red flags.
Convincing ourselves they want the best for us.
Thinking that we saw something that we didn’t.
Or…thinking we didn’t see something that we did.
This is where people get stuck. Trapped. “Swindled.”
And then, the further into the quicksand you sink, the harder it is to get out.
Some people don’t want to admit they’ve fallen in in the first place, so they stay put.
Some don’t know how to start moving out of it.
Some feel alone and hopeless.
This is where I must separate this article from one about narcissism or emotional abuse — these are the muddy waters that we mustn’t judge people for getting stuck in, lest we’ve been there ourselves.
The key here, I believe, is remaining vigilant with your own thoughts and instincts in order to spot the red flags the moment they start waving.
This doesn’t mean you need to drive off the second something doesn’t sound right…
But…I believe it does mean that’s when you start double-checking. Making sure the i’s are dotted and the t’s are crossed. Are you being overly sensitive, or is there really something that your instincts are trying to tell you?
The more that you trust yourself — the more likely you are to listen to yourself, and the less likely you are to be pulled in by dishonesty.
Tune your “bullshit meter” to its optimal settings, and you’ll save yourself years of heartache down the road.
- My private clients find themselves living more confident, purposeful lives and cultivating healthier relationships with those around them. Click here to book a free call to see if we’re a fit to work together.
- James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
- Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
- James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.
