How to Soften Your Fear of Change

Change doesn’t have to feel so intense

Why do we suffer so much in uncertain or difficult times?

One reason is a deep-rooted belief that everything should remain the same — at least all the things we love. Intellectually, you may know everything is impermanent. But emotionally, in an almost unconscious way, don’t you desire your life and all that you love to remain stable?

• You expect your love relationship to continue “happily ever after.”
• You long for job security.
• You’re shocked when someone gets sick or dies.

Because of your veiled expectations, when change does happen, it may feel like you’ve been struck by lightning.

“It’s not impermanence that makes us suffer. What makes us suffer is wanting things to be permanent when they are not.”—Thich Nhat Hanh

But change doesn’t have to feel so severe. You don’t have to fall into extreme states of fear, anxiety, anger, despair or overwhelm when life changes.

How to Lessen the Suffering of Change

You can begin to accept change by recognizing that impermanence is simply a fact of life. Without impermanence, life wouldn’t be possible. Nothing would die, but also nothing would be born. Nothing would end, but nothing would begin.

“Thanks to impermanence, everything is possible.”—Thich Nhat Hanh

You can lessen the suffering that comes along with change by learning to accept impermanence instead of resisting and fighting against it.

But this takes dedication and self-awareness.

Even though impermanence is happening in every moment, with every breath you breathe, you won’t be able to fully accept it without consciously noting it again and again. You need a daily practice to be able to embrace the truth of impermanence in the depth of your being.

One way to contemplate impermanence is to make a commitment to notice change each and every day.

Notice the changes constantly occurring around you:

• Rain appearing on a sunny day
• Day turning into night
• A withered flower petal laying on the ground
• Signs the season is about to change
• A pain in your body as it starts or stops
• A shift in your mood
• A leader or celebrity being knocked off his or her pedestal
• The end of a regime
• A couple breaking up
• A friend diagnosed with a terminal illness

Then, each time, tell yourself: “This is an example of impermanence. Impermanence is a natural part of life.”

Even civilizations are born and die. There is no guarantee that your country or civilization will continue indefinitely. Breathe into that thought and see if you can begin to accept it.

The Five Remembrances

If you’d like to practice more formally, consider reflecting on the “Five Remembrances” from Thich Nhat Hanh.

This practice of the “Five Remembrances” will especially help you to face the kinds of monumental changes that occur for every single human being. It will help you learn to sit with your fear until it melts away. Regular practice can gradually increase your comfort with impermanence and death.

This version of the “Five Remembrances” is from Thich Nhat Hahn’s book The World We Have: A Buddhist Approach to Peace and Ecology

These are the Five Remembrances:

• “I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.”
• “I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape having ill health.”
• “I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.”
• “All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.”
• “I inherit the results of my actions of body, speech, and mind. My actions are my continuation.”

Thich Nhat Hanh recommends doing this practice as a breathing exercise:

• “Breathing in, I know I am of the nature to grow old. Breathing out, I know I cannot escape old age.”
• “Breathing in, I know that I am of the nature to get sick. Breathing out, I know that I cannot escape sickness.”
• “Breathing in, I know that I am of the nature to die. Breathing out, I know that I cannot escape dying.”
• “Breathing in, I know that one day I will have to let go of everything and everyone I cherish.”
• “Breathing out, there is no way to bring them along. Breathing in, I know that I take nothing with me except my actions, thoughts, and deeds. Breathing out, only my actions come with me.”

Impermanence: The Way to More Compassion

Learning to accept impermanence will not turn you into an automaton, devoid of any feeling. Naturally, you’ll still feel grief when someone passes and sympathy when someone is hurt or ill. But you won’t be submerged in grief or other emotions for months or years on end.

You may still feel some degree of shock when an unexpected change occurs, but you’ll snap out of it more quickly. You’ll be able to tell yourself: “This is my old friend impermanence. Impermanence is a natural part of life.”

Neither will you become apathetic. Understanding impermanence doesn’t make you turn away from your responsibilities as a human being. Instead, you become more acutely aware of the preciousness of each moment, and the fact that your actions make a difference for better or for worse.

Instead of an absence of emotion, the knowledge of impermanence can open your heart more and more. How truly heartbreaking to witness how so many people have bought into the delusion of permanence, when everything around us — the leaves, the weather, the seasons — tells a different story.

Final Thoughts

Consider doing the practice of the “Five Remembrances” on a daily basis. Sit quietly in a place where you won’t be disturbed. Slowly and softly repeat the phrases to yourself. If you wish, combine them with your breath as Thich Nhat Hanh suggests.

It’s not enough to think about impermanence intellectually. We need to contemplate on impermanence until its embedded in our bones. We need to contemplate on impermanece until its made a lasting change in our attitude and behavior.

There’s an undeniably bittersweet quality to impermanence, even once we have come to accept it. But with acceptance, you will suffer less. And when you suffer less, you’ll feel happier and be able to open to others when they go through their own trials and tribulations.

Originally published on Always Well Within

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