How to Show Your Partner Appreciation
The simple formula that can transform your relationship.
The therapist’s office was a soothing blue — pale blue walls, slate blue sofa, blue-gray carpeting. She started each session the same way: “Tell your partner what you appreciate about him/her.”
I sighed. I was sick of this. This appreciation portion of the session felt like a pop psychology warm-up exercise — one we could easily do at home without spending $180 an hour to have a witness to the event.
The thing is we didn’t.
We rarely expressed appreciation to each other. And when we did, it was often met with a sarcastic grunt, as if we knew the sentiment wasn’t genuine.
I learned a lot from those couples therapy sessions, but none of it was what I expected. Mostly, I learned that what I thought was important really wasn’t and what I discounted was crucial.
Take the appreciation exercise. I’d struggle to stay focused on it in order to get to what I thought was the meat of the session: venting about my husband’s shortcomings. It was only later — many years later — that I realized the appreciation exercise was the point of therapy.
After all, when you appreciate someone, you are focusing on a positive aspect of the person’s character. You are not only magnifying the skill, behavior or trait you appreciate, but you’re also strengthening your feelings about the person who possesses it.
The science of appreciation
Research backs this up.
Dr. Amie Gordon, a social psychologist from University of California at Berkeley, has conducted several studies on the impact of gratitude on couples. She found that gratitude not only enhances intimacy between partners, but also cements the relationship.
“Moments of gratitude help people recognize the value in their partners — and a valuable partner is worth holding onto” she writes. “We found this to be true in a number of studies — i.e., when people feel more appreciative than usual of their partners, they also report more feelings of commitment.”
Indeed, the more grateful couples were, the more likely they were to still be together after nine months, Gordon found.
Mastering the art of showing appreciation
So how do you foster gratitude in your relationship?
It isn’t just a matter of saying “thank you.” Appreciation is best when it is specific to the individual.
What feels good to one person may not do the trick for another. Receiving appreciation is an individual thing. So you have to experiment and see what works for you and your partner.
Here are some easy ways to do that.
Learn your partner’s love language and give a “gift” that matches it.
My top love language is acts of service. When my partner does something for me, even if it’s just taking out the trash, I feel loved. I have told him this. He looked at me strangely at first, but then took the attitude of “whatever works is good with me.”
Here’s the thing: He now volunteers to take out the trash.
He asks how he can help me when I am distressed.
He tells me he wants to do something to make my life better. And I instantly feel better when he does so. It’s the greatest gift he can give me, and it works beautifully because it’s exactly what I want to receive and what he’s happy to give.
Compliment your partner in public — in front of friends, family, colleagues.
I learned this lesson many years ago when I was a speechwriter for a lobbyist. She was famous for acknowledging her staff in front of the president of our organization. And everyone loved her for it.
It’s a powerful technique, because you’re not just acknowledging the person’s strengths, you’re doing so in front of people they value.
The details make a difference, though. The more specific the compliment, the better. Saying someone is a “whiz with words” is nice. Saying they wrote a speech that garnered a standing ovation takes the compliment to a whole new level.
Equally as important: Be genuine. What you say must be true, and it must be something your partner values.
Complimenting your partner’s taste in T-shirts is fine, but if your partner doesn’t care about how they dress, your compliment won’t have much impact. It’s much better to find a way to connect the compliment to something that matters to your partner.
For example, my fiancé is a logical, methodical decision-maker who relies on science, facts and research to direct his life. If he makes a spreadsheet for our budget and thoughtfully adds a line item for my Sephora purchases, I appreciate it. It makes me feel relaxed because I know it means I can spend $50 on sunscreen without feeling embarrassed about it.
In this example, if I tell him, “I love the way you’re so thorough with our budget. It actually makes me feel calmer about spending money,” it has a big impact because: A) it’s true, and B) it’s something he values about himself.
Ask your partner what makes them feel loved, then provide that.
When someone brings me a cup of coffee the way I like it, I feel loved.
When someone does the dishes for me, I feel loved.
When I get a compliment for work I’ve done, I feel loved.
These things aren’t rocket science. It’s likely your partner has similarly simple things that light them up. Find out what they are and provide them.
Don’t rinse and repeat.
You’ve heard the idea that love is a verb, an expression, an action. It isn’t an event you engage in once and simply repeat when necessary. Nowhere is that more true than in expressing appreciation.
Simply repeating the same act of gratitude over and over again isn’t enough to truly show your partner you appreciate them. You have to go the extra mile and come up with novel ways to communicate your admiration and respect. Yes, that requires a little more “work” on your part. But it’s an effort that will pay off tenfold.
Dr. Gordon did a study that proves it. She brought couples into the lab and had them discuss important relationship issues. She found that “participants who were more grateful for their partners were observed as being more caring and attentive listeners during these discussions — a key for promoting intimacy in relationships.”
Gordon concluded that appreciation is not only important for maintaining intimacy, but it also promotes a cycle of positivity. “Recognizing you have a valuable partner and acting accordingly can help your partner feel more valued,” she said.
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