How To Shift From Pride To Love

Allow yourself to be imperfect

Pride gets passed as a strength most of the time. We idolize overly self-reliant people, those who pursue their goals with abandon and are always giving of themselves. They not only seem to need no one, but everyone seems to need them. We want to be those people.

But on a closer look, we realize that way of life is no paradise. The imbalance of such a lifestyle leads to burnout and loneliness.

Pride on the surface is not easy to detect. Except for bragging, it is subtle, sometimes unconscious. An obsessive need to prove ourselves, defensiveness, and unwillingness to ask and receive help — are signs of pride.

When pride is in control of our minds and hearts, we are incapable, unwilling, or afraid to face ourselves. We exaggerate our achievements and hide or downplay our weaknesses. We are more competitive than cooperative. Over time, we get disconnected from ourselves.

And then we start to feel misunderstood. But how will others understand us when we have no idea who we are? That is why it is not unusual to be surrounded by people and still feel lonely.

We all want — need — to attain a certain level of self-reliance and personal achievement. It is what makes us useful members of family and society. But unchecked independence is isolating, and so is its opposite — extreme dependence. Life is a dance in the moderation world.

But how are we to learn the moves? Love — when love is our dance instructor, pride disappears, and life ceases to be all uphill. Unlike pride, love does not demand we try too hard to keep up appearances.

Love yourself

Many of us were taught, through words, actions, or cultural norms — it was a virtue to love others only. Over the years — of giving and giving — we are shocked to learn this is neither practical nor satisfying.

Showing up for everyone else and neglecting ourselves is no virtue.

What we thought was strength was an unhealthy sense of pride instilled in us from an early age — lopsided altruism. We struggle to ask for help. We are reluctant to receive it when others offer it.

Pride is hard and brittle. It is distant. It looks attractive from afar but leaks of a deep sense of low self-worth.

The antidote? Listen to yourself. Identify your needs. Seek to provide these for yourself first before rushing out to save the world. Ask for help. Accept it when offered. Invite people to your “impenetrable” world.

Loving and caring for yourself allows others to treat you with the same amount of love and care.

Choose Interdependence over Independence

“Human life is interdependent! We can combine our talents and abilities and create something greater together. Interdependent people combine their efforts with the efforts of others to achieve their greatest success.” Stephen R. Covey

To live in harmony with others, each one of us needs to be independent. The dependence level of children is high, but only for a time. We can also be rendered dependent due to sickness, old age, loss of work, or disability. That is allowed.

Beyond that, a person who is too dependent turns into too heavy a burden.

But the fear of not wanting to end up dependent may drive us to the extreme opposite. We become too independent and take pride in our not needing anybody.

Interdependence, however, is at a higher, more satisfying level than independence. It creates synergy. When two or more independent people come together, combining their strengths and neutralizing each other’s weaknesses, the effect is profound. There is strength, warmth, belonging, love, and even more material wealth.

There is less pressure to prove oneself because there is no need to — and no audience. There is more goodwill from others around you. And less envy and low-level resentment.

This reasoning does not diminish individual achievements. Sometimes we have to walk alone to make progress. But when we are fortunate enough to be surrounded by supportive people walking the same journey, we achieve more and with less struggle.

It takes a deep sense of inner security and self-love to choose interdependence over independence.

Set healthy boundaries, but not walls.

Healthy boundaries keep trespassers and harmful people away. Walls lock everyone and everything out. And while walls may give an illusion of safety, they prevent us from receiving a lot of good things that life has to offer. Love is one of those goodies.

Pride keeps us locked up in our cocoon. When we bring down our high walls, we allow others to come in. We become more vulnerable. We risk getting hurt, but we open ourselves up for love and human connection — and that is worth it.

Allow yourself to be imperfect.

Pride looks like the artificial flower at the corner. It’s beautiful and perfect, but no one touches or goes near it.

The fresh flower is beautiful too, but there is always that drying leaf that is about to fall. It may start to wither when no one has watered it for a while. People enjoy taking care of it, smelling it, or looking at it.

Love is beautiful but imperfect. It is not afraid to show its flaws, and it draws people to it. Pride is stoic, perfect, unfailing, and people avoid it.

Stop arguing

Arguing is the most useless of human interactions. Yet, like junk food, it is so enticing. We engage in it to prove we are smarter than our opponent. We want to show how much we know, how morally upright we are, and how wrong the other person is.

Arguments leave no room for connection. When we are arguing, we treat our weaknesses as ammo for the other party, and we would do anything to hide them. We also aim for the jugular when it comes to the other person.

Winning an argument leaves us with a false sense of achievement — pride. But it does not win us any friends.

Stop arguing. Listen to the other person’s point of view. Show interest and curiosity in what the other person has to say. Bite your tongue. Tell your judgemental monkey mind to chill.

Practice this, and people will be more drawn to you — willing to listen to what you have to say.

And this attitude will slowly walk you away from pride to love, to compassion.