How to Set Healthy Boundaries and Why it’s So Important

Part of who you are is what you’re not

We often hear that “healthy boundaries” are an integral part to functioning as a healthy adult and, as a reformed PPP (that’s a people-pleasing perfectionist), I’m here to tell you that it’s true. Boundaries are the personal limits we set which regulate the interactions we have with the people around us. They are made by you, for you and about you. They maintain the integrity of who we are as individuals and allow us to maintain our wellbeing, without losing ourselves in the people around us.

So let’s take a closer look at boundaries, what they are and the role they should be playing in all of our lives.

What are Boundaries and Why Do We All Need Them?

You can think of boundaries as a protective bubble (or, if you’re a sci fi obsessive like I am, a personal force-field), which keeps certain aspects of yourself only for you. They can be physical, emotional or spiritual and reflect the practical requirements of an individual’s personal core beliefs, self-respect and care. In an article in Psychology Today, Mariana Bockarova identified five different kinds of boundary, which provide a useful starting point to understanding the concept:

· Intellectual worth and boundaries (you are entitled to your own thoughts and opinions, as are others)

· Emotional worth and boundaries (you are entitled to your own feelings to a given situation, as are others)

· Physical worth and boundaries (you are entitled to your space, however wide it may be, as are others)

· Social worth and boundaries (you are entitled to your own friends and to pursuing your own social activities, as are others)

· Spiritual worth and boundaries (you are entitled to your own spiritual beliefs, as are others)

Having ill-defined, porous boundaries can result in a variety of personal, professional and romantic problems. Boundaries stabilise us mentally by providing a clear division between where we end and other people start. Without them, we undermine our sense of self, which has profound implications for both our mental wellbeing and how we interact with the world around us.

What are the Signs of a Lack of Boundaries?

Boundaries stabilise us mentally by providing a clear division between where we end and other people start.

At the beginning of this piece, I described myself as a “reformed PPP” to communicate to all you potentially boundary-challenged people out there that I do understand your struggle! People-pleasing in general is a big red flag to a lack of healthy boundaries, as it describes the effects of compromising our own wants and needs in order to make other people happy. Another way of conceptualising people-pleasing is that it is the practice of prioritising other people’s needs in front of our own, even when it makes us uncomfortable. That is a great example of weak boundaries.

If you are familiar with the feeling of being hard-done by or like you are not free to express yourself or follow your own instincts, these could all be signs of a lack of boundaries.

How to Identify What Your Boundaries Should Be

As we’ve mentioned above, our boundaries are all unique and personal to us and this can be a sticking point for a lot of people. If you haven’t incorporated introspection into your (probably pretty busy) life, it can feel disorienting to suddenly be expected to know where to set your limits, especially if you’ve never done it before.

It’s very normal for something to bother you in one context and not in another. The more information you have to sort through, the easier it’ll be for you to define what your boundaries should be.

Get to know yourself and what makes you uncomfortable. For a week, keep a notepad and pen handy and every time something happens that gives you that internal “yuck” feeling, write it down. At the end of the week, read the list back and use it to identify the areas in which you could do with setting up a new boundary. When you are making your “yuck” notes, be as detailed as possible. It’s very normal for something to bother you in one context and not in another. The more information you have to sort through, the easier it’ll be for you to define what your boundaries should be.

For example, if you have gotten into the habit of oversharing and you feel a twinge of regret and embarrassment at the end of those conversations, that is a clear sign a boundary is needed. It could be that you are sharing with a work-colleague something that is too personal; letting them into a level of knowledge about you that you would prefer to be reserved for close friends and family. It is natural to have different levels of intimacy with different people in our lives. It is perfectly naturally to feel discomfort when “oversharing” to the wrong audience.

How to Establish Your Boundaries

Now that you have more of an idea of what you want your boundaries to be, it’s important that you act on this knowledge. Boundaries don’t just exist in theory, they require clear definition, communication and enforcement. We’ve looked at defining your boundaries, above and will be spending the rest of this piece looking at communication and enforcement.

This isn’t a carte blanche to be cruel and selfish, far from it; a polite expression of a personal need is an important way to ensure a solid foundation to a relationship.

Arguably the most important step of boundary setting is communicating them to other people. Without clear expression of boundaries, nothing can change. I’m a big believer in giving people the tools that they need to treat you in the way you deserve to be treated. You cannot expect anyone else to psychically know what it is that you need, especially (as is often the case with people lacking in boundaries) you have gotten very skilled in covering up your own discomfort. Although it may feel that way, it is dishonest to claim that anyone is stepping over or disrespecting our boundaries if they haven’t been established. Clear communication is the key.

If someone is making you feel uncomfortable by constantly talking about something that you don’t feel equipped to deal with, tell them. This isn’t a carte blanche to be cruel and selfish, far from it; a polite expression of a personal need is an important way to ensure a solid foundation to a relationship. Relationships without boundaries often burn out as resentment inevitably builds up. It may feel counter-intuitive but by privileging certain topics and experiences, relationships have the room to grow organically, without being undermined by subjects that are too heavy to handle. Remember though, you don’t need to justify the specifics of these boundaries to anyone but yourself. Don’t get drawn in over-explaining yourself. Just make sure people know what they are and how to respect them. The rest is your business.

How to Enforce Your Boundaries

Accountability is the key to any meaningful change.

So you’ve reflected on what your personal boundaries should be and you’ve gone through the people in your life to tell them what they are… now what? Ideally, everyone would just take them on board and perfectly refrain from line-stepping, from now until the end of time. Wouldn’t that be nice? More realistically, however, enforcing boundaries will be a cumulative and long-term process. Mistakes will be made on all sides; what’s important is that you stick to your guns. Remember, the people who will enrich your life, will also want your relationship with them to be as healthy as possible. Although there may be some initial discomfort (whether they support you or not, the people around you will not be used to you standing up for yourself and communicating so directly!), with time and consistency, your newly-asserted boundaries will benefit you and your relationships.

Accountability is the key to any meaningful change. You cannot expect people to change their habitual behaviour towards you overnight. Like any other habit, it takes a while to change how we relate to each other. In the same way it will be important for you to clearly and consistently communicate your boundaries to the people around you, it will also be necessary for you to enforce consequences for people who routinely ignore them. It can be hard, but you have to remember that when people refuse to respect your boundaries, they are really refusing to respect you. In extreme cases, it may be necessary to distance yourself from repeat-offenders, unless and until they are able to act respectfully. It doesn’t serve you to be surrounded by people if all they do is undermine your wellbeing.

Summary

So there you have it, why it’s important to have boundaries and how you can enforce them. To summarise:

1. Self-reflection. Keep a “yuck” list of things that have made you uncomfortable. Use it to identify what boundaries suit your needs.

2. Communication. Communicate those boundaries to the people in your life. Be clear and concise. Don’t fall into the trap of over-explaining.

3. Accountability. Respect your own boundaries. Hold yourself and the people around you accountable for breaching them.

4. Be open to change. Be prepared for some relationships to change. Most will be improved, but some will be revealed to be toxic and need to be treated accordingly.

Thank you for reading and good luck with setting your boundaries!