How to Set Clear Boundaries with Your Kids

And Reduce Unwanted Behaviors in Your Home

My kids were ready for bed by 8:56 — a rarity at this point in my house. I said, “You have 4 minutes to get to bed.”

My son started screaming. “You shouldn’t change the rules!” It turns out I’d told him earlier that he had to be in bed at 9:30. Which to him meant 30 more minutes to play that I was now taking away.

This isn’t the first time my son has called me out on changing the rules. Once, we had a miscommunication and he thought he wouldn’t have to do everything on his daily routine. Because of the miscommunication, I let him adjust things a bit. “What do you think we should remove from your daily tasks?”

He ended up deciding that everything on his list was important, and he did it all anyway.

This time, I did actually “change the rules.” So I apologized and told him he was right — and we stuck with 9:30. I lamented my loss of an extra 30 minutes of alone time, but I knew I’d made the right decision nonetheless.

Set Clear Boundaries

It’s vitally important to stick with your rules and boundaries. Because when you do, kids feel safe. They know what to expect. And knowing what to expect means less unwanted behaviors.

Imagine a kid who doesn’t know the boundaries. They’ll do everything in their power to get what they want. And even as a parent starts yelling, they’ll try another way. If you’ve given any leeway in the past, they’ll try to find it again.

Because if you’ve changed the rules before…why can’t you change them again?

But when boundaries are clear, while they might not always like the rules, kids know what to expect. And when you say, “we talked about this, remember?” They remember.

Punishment

I don’t believe in punishment, but I do believe in consequences. Sometimes, you can even get your kid to do what you want with praise and positivity.

This is what I used to do in the classroom. If one kid was well-behaved and the other was acting up, I’d lavish praise on whoever was doing what I wanted. This would usually get the other kids in line, because who doesn’t like to be praised?

This strategy works at home, too. I’ve gotten my daughter to drink more water by praising her every time I see her taking a sip, for example. Sometimes, simply calling out “Hey, you’re drinking water!” is enough to make her feel seen.

Sometimes, praise doesn’t work, because all you’re getting is bad behavior.

For a few weeks, my son kept getting in trouble for hitting his sister. I spent time talking to him about why it wasn’t okay to hit, and what he should do instead. I praised him when he came to me instead of hitting.

But then, he continued to hit his sister. We set clear boundaries with him, so that when he did hit, he lost video game privileges.

Then, we realized something. My daughter was doing her best to egg him on and get him in trouble. As soon as I saw this, I had a talk with her, too. And the next time she purposely annoyed her brother with the intention of getting him in trouble, I reminded her of our conversation.

And when she did it again…and he reacted…they both got in trouble and lost their privileges.

Now, when she “starts,” all I need to do is ask, “can you guys handle this on your own, or do I need to intervene?” The answer is usually, “We’ve got it!”

How to set clear boundaries with your kids

1. Make a list of all the issues that have come up with your child’s behavior. The screaming, the hitting, and everything in between. Basically, if it creates a problem in your home then it’s an issue.
2. Next to each item, write down WHY it’s a problem. Even if that’s a very personal thing (like, the screaming gives you a headache).
3. Consider WHEN the problem behavior happens. What leads up to it? Have you been completely clear with your expectations and boundaries? (Hint: you probably haven’t). Take some time to get clear on what you actually want from your child.
4. Sit down with your child when everyone’s in a decent mood and talk about the new boundaries in a very matter-of-fact way. You can let them know there’s a new rule in the house, and explain why. Give them other options — because every behavior has a reason why. Help them address their needs in a better way. Then, let them know what happens if they cross that boundary — if they don’t follow the rules. For example: “From now on, we don’t allow screaming in the house. It gives me a headache and makes me feel horrible. The next time I give you something you don’t want to eat, you can say, ‘no thank you’, or ask for something else. But screaming is not okay. If you scream again when I offer you something you don’t want, I’ll remind you. But if you keep screaming, you’ll lose TV privileges for a day. Do you understand?”
5. Make sure your kid understands the issue and the ramifications. It’s totally okay to check in with them two or three times after stating your boundaries. You can also remind them of the new rules every morning and every night for a week, or however long it takes before they roll their eyes and say, “I know!” “So what happens if you scream when I give you something you don’t want?” “And what can you do instead if you don’t want it?”
6. Then, stick with it. My son and daughter would have never stopped hitting each other if we hadn’t actually made good on our boundaries and taken away her TV privileges and his video game privileges for a day. With my son, all it took was one time. With my daughter…it’s a process, but it’s definitely improved.

What can go wrong?

In ABA therapy, they call it an “extinction burst.” As you’re working to get rid of an unwanted behavior, there will often be one final push from the kid, and the behavior you’re trying to stop will get worse before it gets better.

Don’t give up. Stand by your boundaries. This will probably be the last time you’ll have to deal with it.

So — try this out. If your kids are exhibiting unwanted behaviors, follow the process to set clear boundaries. You’ll both benefit, and they’ll feel safer knowing where they stand.