How To Scratch Your Butt (Full Tutorial)

A tongue-in-cheek article about a serious subject

Have you ever experienced an itchy bottom and didn’t know what to do about it? I know, me too.

It’s frustrating, to say the least.

One option is to simply live with the growing unease in your nether region. But, honestly, who wants to do that? Not this guy.

So, I scoured the history books, watched the entire ancient alien series, deciphered a few Aztec hieroglyphics, channeled the undead spirit of a snail named Gary, and finally, amazingly, discovered the antidote.

Here’s how to scratch your butt— the ultimate, step-by-step guide for complete beginners.

“Scratching your butt is one of the most satisfying experiences known to man.” — Every Dog

Sidenote: You might be wondering why I’m writing an article about how to scratch your rear. It started as a joke between my girlfriend and me. She challenged me to see if I could actually make an article out of the topic, and since I’m totally not 100% a competitive person, I accepted her challenge. You’re welcome.

Step 1: GPS that Itch

You can’t scratch an itch that you can’t find on a map.

A butt map. A map of your butt.

So, make yourself comfortable. I’ll wait while you turn around.

You should find it pretty easily (unless this is your first day on the planet, in which case, congratulations on finding this article). Really examine yourself, with a mirror if necessary.

The itch generally resides very near the surface, so keep scouring the landscape of your derriere until you find it.

If you can’t seem to find that nagging itch after all of that investigating, try asking a friend.

Note: If you explore too intensely, you’re technically not scratching anymore. I’ll leave that to your imagination. If your friend explores too intensely, I think you might be in a relationship. Just saying.

Step 2: Choose Your Scratching Tool

This may seem like a simple decision, but you couldn’t be further from the truth.

Well, unless you were getting a piggyback ride from bigfoot, across the flat earth, next to the studio where they filmed the fake moon landing.

The tool you choose is critical.

You could use your hands, but which one? Your dominant hand? Your sub-hand? You could use anything — a broom, a cell phone, your cat.

The choice is yours.

Step 3: Scratching Position

Ok, so you’ve chosen your scratcher.

The next step is to riddle out the best scratching position. You can scratch your rear in public or private. You can bend over toward your toes, or twist your body like an origami crane.

You can kneel on a cushion, or heft one foot on top of your desk like you’re about to mark your territory.

It’s all about personal preference.

Step 4: The Angle of Approach

Now that you’ve selected your position, it’s time to calculate the precise mathematical angle needed to properly and efficiently scratch your rear.

This is a crucial step: the wrong angle could lead to injury, scarring, infection, or worst of all… pregnancy… which I’ll let you figure out for yourself.

But we’re here to scratch our butts. So how do we proceed?

“Scratching your butt is a gateway drug to scratching other parts of your body.” — Cats

We start by dividing the circumference of our orbit into thirds (or halves if you like).

Using those points as guideposts, aim your scratcher at your itchy rear and sweep it upwards toward your buttocks.

Step 5: Full Speed Ahead

Ok, with every step we’re getting closer and closer to relief.

This is where everything comes together. You’ve found your itch, selected your scratcher, chosen the perfect position and angle, and now it’s time to scratch that baby like there’s no tomorrow.

Take a moment and enjoy the significance of what’s about to happen.

If done correctly, it will provide an incomparable sensation of relief — and maybe even some sick beats.

Ready?

Here we go:

1. Jump up and down a few times while clapping your hands together in front of your face with eyes closed tightly [optional].
2. While you’re jumping [up and down], make sure to run your nails along whatever tool you chose from earlier [if applicable].
3. Assume the scratching position you selected earlier.
4. Make sure your fingers are spread out wide enough to cover plenty of surface area but are still close enough together to provide solid contact.
5. Keep your fingers bent like you’re holding a grapefruit (but not too tight… you don’t want to cut off circulation).
6. Hold your breath and scratch as hard as possible. Really Freddy Krueger that thing.

You may need a few attempts before you find the right technique that works best for you.

As Yoda says:

“Scratch, you must!” — Totally not made up quote

How To Scratch Your Butt in Public

Now comes the hard part: scratching your butt in public.

The way you go about this may vary depending on where you are and the time of day.

Here are the best strategies:

• Point toward anything and yell “WTH!” When everyone looks away, scratch that itch.
• Use a tree, building, or any inanimate object. Maybe a fire hydrant. That won’t look weird at all. You certainly won’t get arrested for public indecency.
• Do some sort of subtle body roll or rub your leg against the object you are leaning on.
• Optional: Wink at someone in the distance and flash a sly smile while scratching that itch.

The world is your oyster when it comes to scratching in public. Just make sure you don’t get caught. Remember the goal in scratching in public is to be discreet while still getting relief in a timely fashion.

Final Thoughts

I really thought I would be the first person to write an article about scratching your butt.

Then I saw this:

WTH! Ok, nobody panic. It’s fine. Riding on the power of this platform, in a few weeks, my article should be the top article in the world about butt-scratching.

Take that, middle school bullies! Look at me now.

Check out my other funny articles

If you want to support my writing, become a Medium member. If you do, I will get a small commission. Thanks!