How to Respond When Someone Tells You They Have a Disability

One should never assume what others are struggling with

I have encountered quite a few people who would comment on my physical and mental health. I tell a co-worker I took yesterday off due to certain medical issues — I’m cryptic for a reason! They would respond by saying: “Oh! You didn’t look sick the day before”. I know I may not look sick to others, but it doesn’t change the fact I had a major anxiety attack in the morning.

Rarely, I would tell a new friend about my struggles with a disability. About half of the time, I’d see a surprise in their eyes. “You don’t look like you have a disability!”. Yes, I know. I do. It may not be visible, but it regularly affects my life.

There is a way to react to someone mentioning their medical condition. It’s a norm, a part of etiquette — or at least it should be.

Show Empathy and Support

The best way to respond is to show empathy. Make it clear to the person that you accept what they are saying, and you’re empathetic of their situation. Don’t worry; we won’t see it as an invitation to tell you about our comprehensive medical history — at least most of us will not. Say something nice and show your willingness to support us, even if you’re doing it mostly out of politeness.

The list of acceptable responses includes:

“I’m really sorry to hear that. I’m hoping you’re doing better.”

“I am sorry about your struggles. Is there any way I can help?”

“It saddens me to learn that about you. Please, know I’m here for you if you need me”.

We are all human beings; our motivation to empathize with others can help them greatly. The science backs up the need for the empathetic response too. According to The Science of Empathy research, empathy has a crucial role in society and interpersonal relationships by allowing to share the needs, experiences and desires between people and by offering an emotional bridge that encourages prosocial behavior.

So, simply be supportive. It can go a long way.

Avoid Sharing Your Opinion

Offering your opinion on a medical subject doesn’t feel very pleasant to the person struggling with health issues. The chances are, you are probably not a doctor. And while we all have opinions and experiences, your unsolicited opinion may hurt us emotionally. If we are already having a hard time with mental health, hearing what you think may cause some damage.

We know we may not look disabled to you — disability isn’t always visible. We understand you cannot always see what medical problems we encounter. But it doesn’t reduce the importance of our health and medical needs. So, instead of telling us, we look fine while we might be hanging by a thread and trying to get through the day; just be kind and express humility.

Refrain from Offering Treatment Options

It’s accustomed to most patients struggling with medical issues to have physicians who take care of them. In fact, some of us have multiple doctors who have been practicing medicine for a lengthy period of time. Unless you’re a doctor yourself — don’t make suggestions regarding our treatment. And if you happen to be a doctor, you are aware that offering a piece of medical advice without seeing the patient’s file is unacceptable and unethical.

If you have a friend who struggled with similar issues, it doesn’t mean their treatment will suit us. Suggesting holistic medicine is also not the best idea. Lavender essential oil probably won’t cure a bipolar disorder. Yoga, while helpful, should not be the main treatment for panic attack disorder.

Suggesting medication or, on the contrary, telling us not to take pills is equally unacceptable. We follow our doctors’ treatment plans, and those plans are based on our medical history and physician’s expertise. Refrain from telling us what approach we should adopt to be cured.

Respect Our Right to Privacy

By telling you about our issues, we expect you not to discuss it with anyone else. We don’t need to agree on this — it’s an unspeakable rule. A silent code of honor that doesn’t require a discussion, if you will. When a disabled person tells you about their medical experience, it means they trust you. Don’t betray that trust.

Health and disability are not the topics to discuss at the water cooler. It isn’t something the entire office should know. Don’t share our private information with others, unless you have our consent. Doing the opposite means, you’re taking away our power to make decisions about ourselves and our lives. It is very dangerous and damaging behavior.

We Appreciate Your Help

Your support is very much appreciated. Some of us may require it more often, others — less often. Even a small gesture can help. The words of support are incredibly powerful: sometimes, a quick word of kindness can change our moods.

It gets better. Not every day is a bad day for most of us. We are the exact same people as you are, just a little bit different health-wise. We want you to know that we are equal, we appreciate the empathy, and we are also there for you when you need us.