How to Respond to Fearful Avoidant’s Messages and Phrases You Commonly Hear

The attachment style series.

Have you been in a dynamic where you simultaneously felt like the center of someone’s world and somehow something they could live without?

Maybe your dynamic is taking longer to develop than you thought, and little roadblocks seem to take the whole relationship off course.

It weighs on you because you are constantly searching for the answer to how to build a relationship with someone, but you are starting to feel hopeless.

You are at the center of a relationship with a fearful avoidant partner.

I know what it’s like. You feel like your potential partner would be great within a relationship if behaviors change.

but

You want to do what’s best for you and not rock on the seesaw and waves you are seemingly going through.

I focus on attachment style because it explains issues in relationships that seem personal. It feels like it is only happening to you.

It is not comforting to say, but relationship issues are more common than we might perceive them.

When we stip the pieces that feel personal, we can dig into each attachment style, recognize the patterns, traits, and behaviors we see, and learn a method to counteract them.

There is a way to respond to the messages you hear from each attachment style, and I want to focus on the fearful-avoidant.

For those of you reading and are a fearfulavoidant or the partner to one, I DO NOT write for people who are not putting in work to improve. My focus is to lend a helping hand through the transition to a secure attachment style for the individual and the couple.

I don’t know.

I know how frustrating this one is because it presents as a simple statement, but the actions carry more weight.

The “I don’t know,” “I am unsure,” and “I can’t tell right this second” are all frustrating things to hear from a partner.

For those who don’t know, the fearful-avoidant moves in two parts. They are on a constant tip-toe of avoidance and anxiety.

When you hear phrases like “I don’t know,” they are battling the feeling of uncertainty and trust.

There is an internal conflict of wanting partnership but acknowledging the doubt and fear that can be consuming.

We call the fearful-avoidant the hot and cold attachment style because they go back and forth between these inner conflicts.

It is why they can appear all in, flip a 180, and be unsure about the dynamic.

The best method to counteract a fearful avoidant’s behavior is to not “feed the beast.”

You will confirm the thought if you feed into their logic of why it is true.

When a fearful avoidant pulls away, you cannot push to close the gap. It will confirm the need for space.

Vice versa, you can not be distant when the fearful-avoidant is overly anxious.

The middle ground is to show support for emotion and present a choice that does not strip you of the picture.

“I feel like you could use some space right now, so let’s talk tomorrow” is a better approach than “You’re being distant and noncommunicative. We need to talk right now.”

This is the story

Remember, when talking about the fearful-avoidant, you are dealing with someone who goes back and forth, weighing their thoughts against each other.

You’ll see that they will approach you with their thoughts on a situation you might see arise in your relationship with a fully detailed story of events.

Whether or not their version of a story is valid, they have cycled through all the possible scenarios.

Have you ever conflicted with a fearful avoidant, and they gave you a laundry list of reasons why your actions were hurtful?

For example, being late to pick them up means that you don’t care, you don’t value their time, and you don’t really want to spend time with them.

I reinforce this piece in all my articles about the fearful-avoidant, but when they do not have the answer to thought, they will fill in the gaps and generate a narrative that confirms the pain they feel.

Imagine trying to talk someone off the ledge when they have already come up with a summary of “what is true.”

Don’t carry the weight of overexplaining yourself, but when talking to a fearful avoidant, make sure you add detail and color to communications with them.

They are looking for trust. They don’t want to pick you apart, although it might feel that way.

Once you gain a fearful-avoidant’s trust, you will see the storytelling fade.

I just need a little

Control.

I don’t need a long-winded introduction to tell you this is what the fearful-avoidant wants.

Let’s keep it in the context of the conversation. The fearful-avoidant is not looking for control over you but looking for the feeling of safety and trust.

“I need a little” is a sign that the fearful-avoidant is looking for reassurance to combat the feeling that they are experiencing.

When they feel overwhelmed with anxiety, they are looking for a sign that their partner is there to comfort them.

When they feel they need distance, they want a sign that their partner will not push them.

They experienced times when they had no control, and it caused volatility in their life.

A fearful avoidant can feel needy when asking for help, so it will come out by asking for little.

When they ask for a little, give a lot of grace. That does not mean you overwhelm them and give them ten times the amount of what they are asking.

It means that you provide reassurance that their need is not a heavy lift or a demand and that you are there to support them.

Want to learn about the triggers of the fearful-avoidant? Get a free guide Here

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Do you have a question or a story you want to share with me? Reach out to me on Instagram for a coaching session (50$/hr). Here. or by email [email protected]