How To Release The Fear Of Rejection Even After Facing Multiple Rejections

Is the fear of rejection stopping you from pursuing what you want, because you’ve been rejected 10 or 100 times before?

Many of us have the fear of rejection. In fact, we may prefer not to pursue our goals if it means having to face the fear. After all, rejection can hurt a great deal. The sting of being rejected repeatedly can get to us. If we have been rejected 10 times, it can feel as if we’ve been given a “no” 100 times. An inability to let go creates tremendous pressure such that the thought of getting another rejection is like facing death itself.

I have certainly been rejected many times. Until I turned 30, there have been times when I had felt that I would not be able to survive past the rejection. It was when I drove myself to utmost despair for not getting the love that I desperately sought. Fortunately, I have come a long way in learning how to face the fear of rejection since then.

Now as I think about it, I don’t know of anyone who has the privilege of going through life without ever experiencing rejection at least once. In fact, I have found the fear of rejection to be pervasive. It is often experienced in relationships where one party has been dumped before. Equally, it is also experienced in situations where we need to do sales calls.

Situations Where There Could Be A Fear Of Rejection

These include:

1. Getting into a relationship. You have been hurt before and the wounds still feel fresh, as if the rejection happened just yesterday. What if the next guy does the same to you? The fear of rejection can stop you from getting into a new relationship.
2. Becoming clingy in an existing relationship. You have had bad relationship experiences previously. Even if you are now in a committed loving relationship, the past memories keep haunting you. You fear being dumped, abandoned and rejected once again. And so you cling on to your current partner. You are desperate that your partner reports his or her every move to you.
3. Doing Sales Calls. Doing sales often call for a higher tolerance of rejection. Chances are, you are going to be rejected with a “no” several times. As Heather Matarazzo once said, “There is going to be a hundred thousand doors slammed in your face before one opens, so feel ok about taking rejection.”
4. Unable to Show Up on Social Media. The fear of rejection may stop you from marketing your services online. Because you are afraid that no one will “like” your posts, you would prefer not to publish them. You take any perceived signs of rejection personally and seriously.
5. Not Having Your Article Approved by Media Outlets or Big Publications such as Those on Medium. You’ve been submitting your articles to big publications but you’ve been receiving rejections. In fact, it’s rejection after rejection. You’ve been told that your article did not make the cut — yet again. It’s making you think twice about submitting your article to major publications again. (The thought certainly crossed my mind after receiving multiple rejections.)

What Usually Happens After Facing Repeated Rejections

So if we had been rejected previously, we are likely to have felt bruised, traumatized, disappointed and hurt.

It is all in the past, no doubt.

But then, we could also develop a paralyzing fear of rejection.

We fear being rejected once again.

The Fundamental Need Behind Fear of Rejection

The opposite of rejection is acceptance.

Feeling rejected rests on our core beliefs that we are not good or worthy enough. We find it hard to accept — real or perceived — when others do not accept us. It feels as if every part in us are rejected all at once, even though it may not be the case. The same holds true, be it in a romantic setting or not.

We are social creatures and like having a sense of belonging. As social creatures, we want acceptance. To receive acceptance from the world feels validating.

According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the third layer of human needs is love and belongingness. As humans, we experience the need to love and be loved by others. In the absence of love, we become prone to loneliness, anxiety and misery. Where the fear of rejection is strong, it can contribute to health conditions. In anorexia, for instance, the patient experiences immense rejection.

5 Ways to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection

Understandably, after being rejected repeatedly before, you can find yourself having an immense fear of rejection. However, it doesn’t serve you to hold on to it. You wouldn’t want to be stuck and not be able to reach your goals.

I’d like to share some ways that have helped me to overcome mine. Hopefully, they can do the same for you too :-)

“A rejection is nothing more than a necessary step in the pursuit of success.” — Bo Bennett

1. Let go of the Past

Don’t allow past rejections to dictate your future. The past is already gone. Determine what you can learn from the lessons instead.

Self-reflection questions…

Was there something that you’ve missed out that caused the rejection?

What can you do to make a change?

What can you change about yourself to change the results that you are getting?

Never allow fear to hold you back from living in the present. Believe that things can change. Focus on what you do want instead.

2. Let Go of The Need to be Perfection

Wanting to be perfect can cause you to fear rejection. Many of us start having the fear of rejection early on in life. We seek the approval from our parents or caregivers and so we learn about being obedient, docile and pleasing. When approval is withheld for whatever reason, we perceive rejection. We may unconsciously conclude that we need to be perfect in order to earn their love.

Obviously, there are things that you can always work on to improve yourself. But it does not mean that you need to be perfect, even whilst you strive for excellence. Face your fears and do your best!

3. Let’s Switch Roles

What if things are the other way round? Have you ever thought about the times when you have rejected others? For example, when you had to say “no” to a friend about meeting up for coffee because you had work to do. Did you intentionally mean to hurt your friend by saying “no”?

Someone’s rejection of your offer, proposal or suggestion may or may not be anything personal. Until you have clarified with them, you won’t know what the reason for their response or lack of enthusiastic response is. In the meantime, stop speculating and taking things personally.

4. Learn to Accept and Embrace Yourself

You can love and accept yourself, even if you are rejected by someone else. This other person is not God, so why make yourself suffer when he or she rejects you? Why give this other person so much power as to determine your happiness?

Accept this: being rejected is part of life. Rejection will happen. Guaranteed. People get rejected all the time for various reasons.

It’s far better to learn to embrace yourself whole-heartedly. You are deserving of love and affection. Regardless of the situation, you can choose to accept yourself anyway.

5. Release The Limiting Belief of “I’m Not Good Enough”

Instead of holding on to the fear of rejection, face it. Work on releasing your fears and the belief of “not good enough”. This may involve letting go of any trauma in the past where you’ve made this conclusion.

Look into doing inner work especially if you want to boost self-confidence. Healing is more effective when the release is made at the somatic level. You are better able to embody “I am enough” deeply. It is how you can develop a grounded and authentic sense of confidence. When you have a strong belief in yourself, you are less likely to take any form of rejection personally.

Get Inspired to Beat the Fear of Rejection

One last tip to beat the fear of rejection is to get inspired by success stories.

Bestselling author Stephen King had his first work rejected 30 times before selling 350 million books. Walt Disney got fired by a newspaper for not being “creative” enough before starting his Disney empire. J.K Rowling faced 12 rejections before publishing her first Harry Potter book.

Four days before his son was born, 30-year-old Jia Jiang quit his six-figure job at a Fortune 100 company to pursue his startup. However, the investor to his startup suddenly changed his mind with a rejection. The set back made Jiang regret having left his job, at first. Then, he realised that if his dream is to be an entrepreneur, he would first need to overcome his fear of rejection.

In order to overcome his fear, Jiang decided that he would try 100 days of getting rejected by asking for outrageous requests to be met. His aim was to grow a thicker skin and get used to people giving him a “no.” He started to share his videos and that was when he discovered that what seemed to be a personal issue was actually a universal problem.

Over the course of 100 days, Jiang became more and more courageous. By the time he was done, he had received 51 yes’s and 49 no’s. Jiang went on to write a book about his journey called Rejection Proof and eventually delivered a Ted talk too.

What Matters Most Lies in Your Response

Through the various lessons, I have understood this… Avoid taking the rejection as failure but as feedback, for it is my RESPONSE to rejection that will determine my success.

We do have a choice. We can choose to feel hurt and stay paralyzed whenever we get rejected. Or we can choose to accept the rejection calmly and look for a positive solution.

Indeed, we’ve learnt that the benefits can be tremendous when we turn rejection into opportunity. What’s worth remembering is that when one door closes, another door opens. In the wake of rejections, the ultimate message is not to give up but to keep facing the fear until we’ve confidently attained a turnaround.