How to Recognize the Perfect Moment to Persuade Someone

In persuasion, the tools you use are just as important as the timing

The most frequent mistake while learning persuasion techniques is to think that it’s all about the ”how” and not much about the ”when”.

Here’s something I learned these past years while reading tons of book on persuasion and influence:

Good persuaders are people who master the persuasion techniques. But great persuaders are people who master the persuasion techniques AND apply them when the timing is perfect.

The best tools in the world won’t get you anywhere if you don’t recognize the right context to use them. Leaving your home in the morning with a top-notch umbrella will be a poor choice if the sun shines all day.

So before you implement any kind of persuasion strategy, I would encourage you to learn how to identify the right context.

Here are the 4 main types:

1. The “neutral” ground

Although it’s called “neutral”, it’s the most favorable context if you want to persuade someone.

This is a situation where no major obstacles stand in your way, which means:

• The person you want to persuade has no negative bias towards you (he or she has a good opinion of you, or you two just met)
• They don’t have personal stuff to deal with (they are not sick, nor exhausted, or irritated by a recent fight with someone)
• The social context is appropriate (for example, it would be inappropriate to ask someone a favor while they attend the funerals of a relative…).

If these criteria are met, you’re on a favorable ground. You can go ahead and make use of your best persuasion strategies, you have every chance to get what you want.

2. The negotiation ground

That means the person you want to persuade is in pretty much the same situation as you: they have a goal, they want to get something from this encounter. This is great, because when both of you have goals, you already have something in common (even if your goals diverge).

You won’t take them by surprise when you start a conversation that clearly leads to negotiating. Chances are, they already have their own arguments in mind, they were waiting for an opening.

It’s a favorable situation: all you have to do is focus on a “win-win” negotiation. The typical example: you want to offer your services to a company and you know they need someone with your skills.

3. The frozen ground

It’s a deadlock, a completely frozen situation. The person you’re dealing with doesn’t want to hear anything coming from you. Not only they refuse to hear your arguments, sometimes they even refuse to listen to you at all.

It’s weird, but some people seem to have something like an ”opinion paralysis”. Once they have something in mind (a plan, an opinion), they just can’t change their mind. They’re completely stuck. Fortunately, real opinion paralysis is rare.

Most often, if the person you’re trying to persuade doesn’t want to hear you out, it’s because of a specific reason. For example, because they don’t trust you. Or because they don’t know you enough. Or because for some totally weird reason, they don’t like you.

How to deal with this? Rather than arguing, take a step back and consider the fundamental issue: the quality of your relationship with this person.

It’s an essential step: if you don’t take time to build a relationship with someone you want to persuade, even the best strategies won’t help you.

You should either fix this relationship (if you think it’s bad) or build one (if it’s non-existent). You don’t need to become friends! Building a relationship is about getting to know someone, show a little interest, share a friendly talk.

If you suspect that your relationship is bad but you don’t know why, try to look into the hidden reasons. Could someone have spread bad rumors about you? Could you have done something upsetting to them, unintentionally? Or are they in a position that makes it impossible for them to take your ideas into consideration? (Like I don’t know, they are secretly vegan activists and you’re trying to sell them cheese…)

Find out the potential issues that could sabotage your relationship, restore confidence, and take it from there.

4. The polarized ground

Of all the potential situations, this is the most hostile.

This is how you recognize it: from the first minutes of your conversation, the person you’re dealing with tries to contradict you.

The more you develop your arguments, the more they become aggressive. The more you try to find an agreement, the more they want to argue. You’re in a polarization situation (dealing with two opposite poles).

This could happen because:

• You either made a mistake somewhere in the beginning of your conversation (a misplaced word, a misinterpreted attitude, a cultural habit that you unintentionally violated, etc.), or
• There’s an unknown external factor, like a third person who sabotaged you in your absence. This makes your approach almost impossible.

Compared to the previous situation (frozen ground), you’re dealing with someone who’s not only trapped in their own opinion, but they defend it aggressively. They’ll do anything to persuade you they’re right.

How to deal with this? The best thing to do is to temporarily quit the game. It’s a battle you won’t win.

Instead, use your energy to analyze the situation and try to figure out there’s such hostility. If you think it’s a sabotage, try to find out who it was and what lies they spread about you. If you suspect you did a mistake, like a cultural blunder, reach out to people who know something about that cultural background, then apologize to the person you offended.

Once you have “cleaned up” the ground, don’t just pick up your arguments where you left them. That person might need some time. Also, you might need to rethink your persuasion strategies and consider a different angle.

So the next time you need to persuade someone, don’t skip this first step: identify the context. You could be on a:

• Neutral ground — you have the right conditions, so go ahead and show them your best persuasion strategies
• Negotiation ground — look for a “win-win” agreement, because the person you’re facing has an interest of their own
• Frozen ground — improve your relationship with that person first, because they know you too little, or too poorly
• Polarized ground — that person is clearly hostile, probably for a reason, so ”clear the field” then come back with a different angle