How to REALLY Live the Golden Rule

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hold chores or projects. Nice guy, no doubt about it. However, if Gary also never allows those others in his life to help him in return I would argue that he’s actually selfish. While he gets to experience warm feelings and high self-esteem (because after all he can look at his own behaviors just like everyone else and see that he’s a do-gooder), he is PREVENTING others from having that same experience. I would further argue that his actions (i.e. helping others and not asking for or allowing anything in return) would lead the other person to have poorer self-esteem because they are not given the opportunity to also look at themselves as helpful people. It’s not that they aren’t or that receiving help is bad, but that when we aren’t allowed to reciprocate it changes the nature of the relationship and makes it feel more one-sided. It puts one person as the giver and the other as a receiver. It de-equalizes us.Now let’s look at another aspect. Mary is a twenty-something professional and she has a great support network both at work and in her social life. Mary is always supportive and positive. She encourages others and helps them to see that their mistakes are learning experiences BUT when she herself makes a mistake she experiences frustration, depression, is hard on herself and negative. She has very high standards for herself but doesn’t impose them on others. I would argue that this, too, is breaking the idea of the Golden Rule because by holding herself to higher standards than she would hold anyone else, she, too, has created a discrepancy between herself and what she is presumably capable of and what those around her are capable of. Isn’t saying it’s ok for you to make a mistake (or gain 15 lbs o

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r whatever the circumstance might be) but not ok for me to do that really implying that somehow I’m better than you or should be? As far as I’m concerned her actions (being upset with herself for minor things) speak louder than her words to others (it’s ok for YOU to make mistakes).<figure id="aaf2"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*QhQ7pxuMVxPohSyb"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@kuberek_jest?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Daniel Kuberek</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure>Maybe the idea of the ruler isn’t what we are after at all. Maybe it should really be like a Golden Highway that runs both ways.<ul><li>By allowing others to help us, we allow them to feel good about themselves and to have the opportunity to have better self-esteem and to see themselves doing good in the world too.</li><li>By not holding ourselves to unrealistic standards that we would never hold another person to, we show that we are all human and that it’s TRULY ok to make mistakes or have flaws. We give ourselves grace and thereby give others the freedom to give themselves grace too.</li></ul>So think about it and remember that the Golden Highway runs both ways and Fair IS Fair. If I would do it for you, then maybe I should allow you to do it for me. If I would allow you to make a mistake, maybe I should forgive myself too.Fairness to me is at the heart of the Golden Rule. We should treat others AND ourselves as we would want them to treat us. We should allow others to do the same. Then we would truly have a better world and community.</article></body>

Fair IS Fair

Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You

Sounds pretty straightforward right? Plus, it’s a great goal. The entire world would be a better place if we all followed that rule. However, most people I know (even the really really good ones, maybe ESPECIALLY those people) don’t follow it the way it really should be done. They use it to be actually pretty selfish people. This may seem like a shocking assertion, but follow me on this.

People who value being good to others (let’s call them Golden Rulers) are on to something:

Helping others improves community.

Being kind to others increases their social supports and helps them feel valued.

We feel good about ourselves when we are useful to others.

However, most Golden Rulers take this to also mean that I need to put you before me — that I need to help you even when that inconveniences me on some serious level. I would argue that this is not at all what the Golden Rule intends.

Let’s imagine an example, let’s say we have a Golden Ruler named Gary. Gary is a nice guy. He helps his neighbors, his children, members of his family. He has a nice set of friends and often helps them out on the weekends with their own household chores or projects. Nice guy, no doubt about it. However, if Gary also never allows those others in his life to help him in return I would argue that he’s actually selfish. While he gets to experience warm feelings and high self-esteem (because after all he can look at his own behaviors just like everyone else and see that he’s a do-gooder), he is PREVENTING others from having that same experience. I would further argue that his actions (i.e. helping others and not asking for or allowing anything in return) would lead the other person to have poorer self-esteem because they are not given the opportunity to also look at themselves as helpful people. It’s not that they aren’t or that receiving help is bad, but that when we aren’t allowed to reciprocate it changes the nature of the relationship and makes it feel more one-sided. It puts one person as the giver and the other as a receiver. It de-equalizes us.

Now let’s look at another aspect. Mary is a twenty-something professional and she has a great support network both at work and in her social life. Mary is always supportive and positive. She encourages others and helps them to see that their mistakes are learning experiences BUT when she herself makes a mistake she experiences frustration, depression, is hard on herself and negative. She has very high standards for herself but doesn’t impose them on others. I would argue that this, too, is breaking the idea of the Golden Rule because by holding herself to higher standards than she would hold anyone else, she, too, has created a discrepancy between herself and what she is presumably capable of and what those around her are capable of. Isn’t saying it’s ok for you to make a mistake (or gain 15 lbs or whatever the circumstance might be) but not ok for me to do that really implying that somehow I’m better than you or should be? As far as I’m concerned her actions (being upset with herself for minor things) speak louder than her words to others (it’s ok for YOU to make mistakes).

Maybe the idea of the ruler isn’t what we are after at all. Maybe it should really be like a Golden Highway that runs both ways.

By allowing others to help us, we allow them to feel good about themselves and to have the opportunity to have better self-esteem and to see themselves doing good in the world too.

By not holding ourselves to unrealistic standards that we would never hold another person to, we show that we are all human and that it’s TRULY ok to make mistakes or have flaws. We give ourselves grace and thereby give others the freedom to give themselves grace too.

So think about it and remember that the Golden Highway runs both ways and Fair IS Fair. If I would do it for you, then maybe I should allow you to do it for me. If I would allow you to make a mistake, maybe I should forgive myself too.

Fairness to me is at the heart of the Golden Rule. We should treat others AND ourselves as we would want them to treat us. We should allow others to do the same. Then we would truly have a better world and community.