SELF-SCARE
How to Read … a Medium Story
Of course. You’re welcome. I’m ever your helpful guide to all things Medium.
PLEASE 🙏 spend a minimum of 30 seconds in this story. If you do not, I get PENALIZED in a variety of odious ways. I wish I was kidding about that, but I’m not. Thank you 😃
Getting your Medium read on is not as simple and straightforward as one would think.
Hence my oh-so-helpful Medium read tutorial.
We all know the basics:
1️⃣ The 30-second rule
Ya GOTTA “linger” longingly — either while salivating, or not — over a story for at least 30 seconds.
If you do, a “read” gets registered. And, the story’s author rakes in a massive mound of moolah.
If you don’t, it’s like you were never there. And really, who wants to be tarred with that brush?
Having trouble with the 30-second concept? Just picture the “5-second rule” for food dropped anywhere in the house — except the bathroom — and add 25 seconds.
Still troubled? Consider investing in a stopwatch.
Easy-Peasy. See? I really am here to help.
2️⃣ Ya gotta scroll
Far from clear how far that’s got to be but you can’t just click into a story, sit there motionless for 30 seconds staring blankly into space, and move on. Again, it’s like you were never there.
So, scroll a bit.
If you’re feeling it, your Doctor has deemed you healthy enough for scrolling activity, you’ve taken your vitamins, and your wrists are supple, live a little and scroll all the way to the bottom of the page. You may be happy you did.
Probably not. But maybe.
Full-field scrolling is your right as an adult. No one is harmed. There’s no coercion involved. And besides, you’re likely doing it in the privacy of your own home and there are no witnesses, except God of course, since he’s always watching you.
🌟 Here’s where it gets interesting 🌟
There are other ways to read.
The next time you decide to “read” a Medium story, just do this:
#1 Click on the story of “interest”
#2 Set your computer to auto-scroll (That’s a “thing” right?)
#3 And …
🍀 Run some errands
🍀 Do the laundry
🍀 Masturbate like a mean mofo
Yeah baby, ride that pony (or whatever it is that you call your “self care” ritual) like you know where you’re going.
🍀 Just listen to the fucking thing
Set the playback controls to one of those titillating euro-robo-voices, slow it down to 3/4 speed, and float away to paradise.
This can be a wonderful enhancement to the “masturbate like a mean mofo” recommendation. Just choose your story wisely.
Nothing by umair or any member of the Medium staff will do.
All those stories are pure buzz kill.
Except of course the updates on the new-and-improved earnings algo.
That alone should make everyone’s nipples hard and instantly induce both piloerection and frisson.
Careful here if you suddenly smell toast burning. That’s another thing entirely and will be covered in a subsequent story.
🍀 Actually read the fucking thing
Yeah, like old school reading. Like that “reading thing” you watched on the YouTube vid about what school was like in 1890.
🍀 Choke the chicken. Spank the monkey. Slam the ham. Pound the putz. Fap. Bash the bishop. Double-click your mouse. Polish the banister. Punch the munchkin. Rough up the suspect. Strangle the snake. etc.
This one for all the Gen Z dudes who don’t know what the term “masturbation” refers to because they weren’t allowed to learn about it in school.
I certainly hope this “how-to read” tutorial has been helpful to you.
Given the incredible range of creativity present on the platform I’m sure you have your own “how-to read” secrets. Feel free to share them in the comments.
I’ll read every one.
