How to Raise a More Feminist Son
On women teaching boys to become good men
When I was pregnant, I wanted to know my baby’s gender as soon as possible. No way I could wait and keep it a surprise, like some expectant parents like to do.
I also secretly wanted a boy, and there were a few reasons behind this. As a kid and into adulthood, I seemed to get along better with guys and had trouble keeping close girlfriends. Growing up, my family was made up of mostly women. I had a sister and a ton of female cousins, and I just wanted to experience something different from what I was used to.
And then the biggest reason? I wanted the chance to raise a boy who would, hopefully, if I didn’t royally screw things up, become a good man.
A good, kind, proudly feminist man.
As a cisgender woman who’s suffered mistreatment from men ranging anywhere from mildly annoying to psychologically and physically damaging, you can bet I had a secret feminist agenda. I wanted to contribute a man to society who would love, honor, and respect women of all races, creeds, and backgrounds.
I know that when friends and family and random strangers on the street ask what you’re hoping for, as an expectant mother, you’re supposed to respond properly with the boilerplate answer: “As long as the baby is healthy, that’s what’s important.”
And then the person you’re talking to laughs and nods, and everyone is too polite to question you.
For some expectant parents, the question of gender truly doesn’t matter. And yes, I knew I would be happy with any outcome, as long as the baby was healthy.
But to be honest…I had lessons I wanted to teach, and I knew I’d be a smidgen happier if I had a boy.
At my 16-week ultrasound, I found out that I was indeed going to give birth to a boy. Now, as the mom of a sweet and, yes, proudly feminist 14-year-gentleman, I’ve learned a few things along the way.
Shower them with affection
Say “I love you” to your son all the time. Hug them. Kiss them. Let them know it’s okay to give and receive affection, and that it’s not a sign of weakness or being babied or “girly,” — it’s actually a sign of strength.
One way we as parents can create a ripple effect and change the world is by teaching our children (of any gender) that strength really comes from love, kindness, and empathy — not anger or violence.
Encourage them to break gender stereotypes
I’m raising my son to know that it’s okay to like what he likes. He loves to wear bright colors, like pink and purple. He also likes a darker goth look. He’s experimenting with his style, and that’s wonderful. If we show our sons that it’s okay to like the “girly” stuff with something like style, then it’s a step toward the more complex areas of life.
I make sure my son knows that yes, it’s okay if he does musical theater and takes ballet classes, and it’s also okay if he prefers sports. Yes, it’s okay if he wants to be a nurse when he grows up — he can be a male stripper if that’s what floats his boat. And yes, it’s okay if he’s gay or pan or trans or asexual, etc.
Being authentic to yourself is the most significant lesson I can teach him, no matter what society labels as acceptable or attractive for men.
Tell them it’s okay to cry
We know big girls actually do cry, and so do big boys. We have to raise our sons with the knowledge that showing emotions (other than anger) is not only okay, but healthy.
Holding in the “unmanly” emotions such as sadness, fear, or hurt is poison. Hiding emotions also makes young boys unable to communicate their feelings as men, which goes on to negatively impact other facets of their adult lives, like their relationships, friendships, or work.
Talk about consent from an early age
Parents typically find that it’s easy to talk consent to younger toddlers and kids, when physical differences among genders start to become a natural curiosity. But the talk about a “personal bubble” and what is or isn’t appropriate touching needs to continue to evolve as they get older.
Talking to boys about sexual consent before they start dating is becoming more normalized thanks to the #MeToo movement, so we’re on the right track. But it can still be a tough issue for parents to talk to their sons about. It can feel almost as if you’re accusing him before he’s done anything wrong, but that isn’t the case at all.
Whether it’s through words or body language, getting permission for hugging, kissing, and any other intimate touching is a vital lesson our sons need to learn before they have any real-life experience with physical relationships.
Discuss women’s history
When businesses in my hometown were starting to open up this year, my son, husband, and I masked up and explored our local museum, which just so happened to be hosting a women’s suffrage exhibit.
As my son gets older, it’s interesting to see him becoming more concerned about women’s issues, both past and present. His ability to feel concern for people who don’t look just like him is enormous, and it makes me one proud mamma.
I think it’s up to us as moms, not just the school’s history teacher, to have a direct conversation with our sons about the decades-long fight the women before us had to go through to win the right to vote in 1920. We need to remind ourselves and our boys that it wasn’t so long ago when married women in the United States could not own property in our own name or control our own income.
In America, we were chattel at one point, and it’s an important lesson to remember these mistakes of the past. We must also tell our sons that there is still very much a problem in the world of women’s voices being oppressed. We must tell them, “There’s still more work to be done.”
Teach them all the housework
Both my mom and dad worked full time. Growing up, I saw my dad mainly take care of the yard while my mom did most of the housework. Dad would, however, run the vacuum.
It’s important that the housework be divided evenly between two partners who are both working. One recent survey suggests that homeschooling and housework during the pandemic are not being fairly distributed among men and women.
Statistically, women are still doing more of the housework and child care stuff, so we have to encourage boys to step up. We do this by teaching our sons to do chores around the house, so they can carry on good domestic habits into their relationships.
Bonus: a man who can (and will) cook and clean is instantly more attractive to a woman.
Give them “the talk” about all genders, not just theirs
My son and I recently chatted about masturbation for the first time, and while he kind of struggled getting his questions out at first (understandably so), he eventually did. He’s always been more comfortable coming to me than to his dad because I’m the more open-minded one. Surprise surprise, his father wasn’t raised with open communication about awkward sexual development issues, and my son happens to find him more difficult to talk to about it.
We absolutely need to be open with our sons and communicate with them about sexuality and development from a young age, tailoring the conversation to their level of maturity as they grow.
But don’t just talk to your son about the male body. Make sure they understand that women go through something quite different. Periods, cramps, giving birth, menopause — these are all things my son and I have discussed.
His general response is that it’s a hell of a lot harder being a woman, and he’s glad he never has to have a baby. I’m diplomatic and assure him that men have their own set of challenges to deal with too, but I kind of have to agree with him…
Share personal experiences
I encourage moms to share any mistreatment they’ve had to endure because of their gender with their sons.
Of course, the depth of detail you provide will vary, but if you’ve experienced sexual harassment or a controlling relationship or gender stereotyping, it helps to share that with your son as a way to make him more aware.
Being open about the challenges you’ve experienced as a woman will help further his understanding of what the opposite sex is up against — and it will encourage him to be the change he wants to see in the world.