DELAYED GRATIFICATION
Predicting Your Child’s Success — Why the Marshmallow Test Is Toast
And why it was still one of the best things I did with my kid
On Jamie’s 18th birthday
I sat him down in front of the television and played him a dusty video of his three-year-old self. He burst out laughing so hard — tears rolled down his cheeks.
In the classic experiment from the 1970s, psychologist Walter Mischel placed a small treat in front of young children. He offered them a choice; they could either enjoy the treat immediately or wait a brief period and earn two sweet treats instead.
When Mischel left the room, many children couldn’t wait; they ate the treat (often a cookie or marshmallow). But a portion of these guinea pig kids delayed their urge to enjoy the treat. The reward for their patience — more delicious goodies.
From observations of their later lives, Mischel concluded that the children who delayed gratification displayed several advantages over the children who could not wait. They performed better academically and had fewer behavioural problems than the kids who ate the treat right away.
He concluded that kids who display delayed gratification were more likely to be successful in life.
If only it were true
Critics have debunked his findings for not considering socio-economic factors. Does it make sense for a child growing up in poverty to delay their gratification when they are so used to instability in their lives? Are some children just less interested in candy and treats than others?
“The idea that your child is doomed if she chooses not to wait for her marshmallows is really a serious misinterpretation.” — David Brooks
The notion that young children will be successful because they have self-control seems more and more like a fallacy. People who have strong self-control are also individuals who live in conditions with fewer temptations.
More recently, comprehensive testing has shown we know less than the scholarly literature has let on about the advantages of caution and delaying gratification. A child choosing instant gratification will not damn him or her to a life of mediocrity — they might just be hungry.
Interventions to improve willpower or a growth mindset have tiny positive correlations over time — even intensive programs show a strong fadeout; the effects disappear after a few years. Teaching a child ‘grit’ paradoxically requires perseverance.
The Marshmallow Test
I recorded the experiment on video. I sat Jamie at the kitchen table and placed two plates in front of him; one plate had five chocolates, the other just one.
I told him he could have the one chocolate now, but if he could wait for the sand in our five-minute egg-timer to fall — I showed him how it worked — then he could have the plate with the five chocolates.
I then left the room.
His facial expressions were hilarious. He was all giggles, to begin with, then angst. His stare lingered on the egg timer.
Then his gaze alternated from the plate with one chocolate to the plate with five chocolates — his face full of expectant glee. And then more angst. He folded his arms, laid them on the table, and stared at the egg timer once more.
He employed diversionary tactics: looking away, eyeing the camera, checking the chocolates, looking at the door, checking the chocolates, studying the wall clock, checking the chocolates.
The indifferent sand dribbled slowly.
I could feel him from the other room, willing the sand to flow faster.
My 18-year-old son was in kinks at his three-year-old self. He couldn’t remember doing it, and it brought him to tears of joy. It was bloody brilliant.
I recommend all parents do this — for the fun of it alone.
The sand settled in the bottom bulb.
Smiling like a lemon shark, Jamie got off his chair and couldn’t wait to tell me the sand had finished. He’d survived his ordeal. I returned and praised him for not eating the chocolates. His face was a delighted picture. He grabbed the bowl with five chocolates, stuffing them in his pockets.
Then, an afterthought — he took the single chocolate too.
“Yes!” he said, “Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes!”
But there is a problem with Mischel’s theory
Delayed gratification in children
It is not the predictor of life success that Walter Mischel proposed. There are too many other factors to consider. Correlation does not imply causation — unless we are talking about parenting.
I took an interest in Jamie. I videoed him doing the Marshmallow Test. I persevered with that interest. I showed grit and determination to be a part of his life — all his life. I had 15 years of delayed gratification. I waited all that time for his 18th birthday before seeing him laugh at his three-year-old self.
It’s the parents who need willpower. It’s the mums and dads who take the time to get involved with their children, who read to them, who play with them, nurture and comfort them — those children grow to be all they can be.
A thought
Take every opportunity to love your child for who they are, no matter what they do. Treat them with kindness. Record their successes. Surprise them with your determination to be a part of their life, and it shouldn’t surprise you how they turn out. I couldn’t be prouder of Jamie.
If you have young kids, video them doing the marshmallow test, and look forward to a very happy 18th birthday. Hopefully, they will spread the ripple.
Malky McEwan
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