How to Practice Being Silent
Silence can benefit you in many ways. Here’s how…
If you search Google for “Silence Books” you’ll find tons of books having the name “silence” in their title.
How many times have you spoken and then regretted what you said?
How many times do you wish you had remained silent?
I bet quite a lot of times that are hard to count. Don’t worry, most of us do.
The challenging part is, that it’s hard to remain silent at certain times — I will go through the potential situations in which I think you should remain silent, and the things you can do to remain silent in those situations.
When You’re Angry
When we’re angry, the most absurd words come out of our mouths. This is simple to understand because in psychology this is explained by the two parts of the brain theory (the emotional and logical minds — Based on The Chimp Paradox By Steve Peters).
When we’re angry — and there are many reasons we can become angry during the day — the emotional mind quickly jumps to conclusions to help us defend ourselves.
Unless you pause and take a step back, you may say words that you will regret.
Why might you regret it? Most likely, when you’re angry, you are missing points that could become crystal clear when you think about them while you are calm. When you utter harsh words to someone, you risk losing their trust, respect, or even, worse, the person themselves.
What’s the importance of silence here?
- It will give you a chance to gain perspective
- It will give you time to navigate the issue and ask yourself important questions like: Why are you angry? Does this person mean it the way you understood it? What’s their intention? Could they be trying to help you? … etc
- If there’s another person you’re angry with, and they are also angry, staying silent and absorbing their anger, could lead to better understanding.
What can you do to stop you from saying a word till you’re ready?
- Be mindful of your anger. In other words, be aware of when you start feeling angry.
- Before uttering your next word, take a moment to step back.
- Avoid getting drawn into an argument fueled by anger that might lead you to say things you’ll later regret. Instead, politely excuse yourself from the situation.
- Change your physical state; for instance, if you’re sitting, stand up (or vice versa), go for a walk, or take a shower to help shift your emotional state.
- Know how to deal with difficult people. Convincing or arguing with them can be challenging. Instead, inform them that you won’t engage in conversation at the moment but will be willing to discuss the matter with them later after careful consideration. Reassure them that you understand their feelings, but you simply need more time before you’re ready to talk.
These strategies are supported by Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a therapeutic approach designed to assist individuals in managing and navigating their emotions.
When Your Ego Wants to Speak
More often than not, our pride in knowing something draws us in, tempting us to discuss it. At times, we lose sight of whether this “something” holds genuine value for others.
So, here’s a golden rule:
If you:
- Know something
- Are certain of its correctness
- Believe it’s relevant to the conversation
- Are confident it will be helpful to others
then feel free to share it. Otherwise, consider choosing to remain silent.
Tip to stop your ego from speaking: Ask yourself, are you speaking out of pride and showing off, or out of sharing valuable insights that can actually help?
Listening More Than Speaking Enhances Your Relationships
When you prioritize listening over speaking, and actively engaging with attentiveness, you can significantly enhance your relationships with others.
Consider how many times you’ve felt frustrated because someone kept interrupting you or impatiently waited for their turn to speak without letting you finish your thoughts. Such communication habits are often ineffective.
Instead, make an effort to practice active listening, whether with your colleagues, spouse, children, parents, siblings, or even strangers.
Approach conversations with curiosity and genuine care, paying close attention to what others are saying. By doing so, you can make people feel valued and appreciated, fostering the growth and nurturing of various relationships.
Listening attentively is indeed an invaluable skill that anyone can develop with practice.
Silent People Are Usually the Smartest People in The Room
The smartest individuals typically listen more than they speak, paying close attention to others’ perspectives. They carefully analyze opinions and beliefs before hastily sharing their own words. This approach offers numerous advantages, including:
1. Learning New Things: Actively listening enables them to acquire new knowledge and insights.
2. Assessing Personality Patterns: By observing and analyzing people’s personalities, they can identify those with whom they should engage more and those with whom they should be more cautious.
3. Understanding the Situation: This understanding helps them make informed decisions about what to share and what to withhold, avoiding the mistake of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.
Ultimately, this approach fosters trust in their judgment and enhances their interpersonal effectiveness.
A good tip to help you be smarter: The next time you feel like speaking in a conversation, ask yourself whether it’s absolutely necessary or should listen a bit more to assess that situation.
Feeling the Need to Defend Yourself
When we are at fault, whether we are aware of it or not, our natural tendency is to argue in defense of ourselves. However, before hastily adopting a defensive stance when someone provides feedback or raises a complaint about something you did, consider taking a moment of silence to accomplish two important things:
- Allow the other person the opportunity to complete their thoughts.
- Provide yourself with a chance to fully absorb what the other person is conveying.
It’s important to be mindful that your emotional mind might be trying to obstruct your logical mind from approaching the situation with a clear and open perspective. This concept aligns with the insights shared by Daniel Kahneman in his best-selling book Thinking Fast and Slow.
Listen to your emotional mind, and acknowledge its fears and irrational thoughts. Then consciously choose not to immediately go on the defensive. Instead, opt to ask questions and seek understanding.
How to not go on the defensive mode?
When receiving feedback from someone, it’s valuable to respond with clarifying questions about their comments (only after they have fully expressed their thoughts). For example, you can ask:
- Why do you think ‘abc’?
- How do you believe I can improve in ‘abc’?
- Is there anything you think I’m doing well in ‘abc’?
These types of questions enable you to gain a deeper understanding of the other person’s perspective and help you absorb the feedback.
Once they have finished providing feedback and have answered your questions, it’s a good practice to inform them that you need some time to reflect on the discussion points before responding. This gives you the opportunity to think and prepare before you communicate your thoughts.
However, it’s essential to use your judgment when deciding whether to reply immediately or later.
If the issue is relatively minor, and you feel confident that you’ve gathered all the relevant points, you can go ahead and provide your response.
On the other hand, for more complex or substantial matters, it’s perfectly acceptable to reassure the other party that you respect their feedback but need additional time to thoroughly consider it and propose solutions. This demonstrates your commitment to addressing the issue thoughtfully.
Silence is a quality that many don’t have, but if you refrain from allowing your tongue to dictate and instead let your mind guide you, you’ll undoubtedly find greater success in various aspects of life.
In conclusion, consider incorporating more moments of silence into your life, and you’ll be amazed at how it can enhance your social life, personal relationships, and professional connections.
Even in religions silence is cherished —particularly, in Islam, there’s a Hadith about silence:
Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said, Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should talk what is good or keep quiet, and whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should not hurt (or insult) his neighbor; and whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, should entertain his guest generously.