Fortune Favors The Brave

How to Polish a Turd

Debunking This Myth Once and for All

I wrote this article with the primary aim of putting the argument that you can’t polish a turd in the dog waste bin for good.

I am sick and tired of people saying this can’t be done. People say this all the time. I was at a wedding last year. One of the bridesmaids caught my eye immediately. She had clearly put in some solid graft with her hair and makeup. She may not have been the best-looking person at the wedding, but good on her for taking part. One of my friends pointed at her and whispered to me, “she’s made an effort, but you can’t polish a turd.” Now, this really got me thinking.

I have heard people say this exact thing many times over the years in very different environments. I have witnessed this in discussions about a person’s appearance, people who have made money from humble beginnings, and even one time when my friend whacked loads of cheese over a poorly presented dinner. Always delivered in whisper too. What is everyone so scared about? It seems that turd polishing is a taboo that no one is openly ready to talk about. Until now.

My motivation comes mainly because I hate being told something can’t be done. I am here to debunk this statement for good and prove that impossible is nothing. I hope that my favorite sports brand will be proud of me.

So in my quest to prove that you can indeed polish a turd, I started to devise an action plan. I have composed a 7-step guide so you too can polish a turd, directly from the comfort of your own home.

Before getting started, you will need:

1. Polish
2. A Brush / A Cloth
3. A Face Mask
4. Hand Sanitizer
5. Lazer Focus to ignore the haters who say it can’t be done
6. Gloves
7. A Steady Pair of Hands
8. An Open Mind
9. And Most Importantly, A Turd.

Step 1: Get All Items Needed to Polish a Turd

First, you need to buy some polish and a brush. You should already have a face mask and hand sanitizer at the ready. I would highly recommend getting a surgical mask or even a face shield if possible. A regular 3 ply will not cut the mustard.

The more cleaning products you have to hand, the better. Particularly heavy-duty gloves — nothing flimsy here, please. But this isn’t all that is needed.

Bring with you an open mind and an unwavering sense of self-belief that this is possible. You will need a surgeon-like focus and steady hands, but what is more essential is you bring bags of confidence with you. You are going to be the master of the turd, not allow the turd to master you.

Step 2: Locate a Turd

This could be a dog’s turd, your own turd, or someone else's turd. It doesn’t matter. Any turd will do just fine. Don’t complicate things trying to find the perfect turd. It doesn’t exist. As Winston Churchill famously stated, “Perfection is the enemy of progress.” Let’s get this done and move on with our lives.

Having said this, from my experience, runny turds are considerably harder to polish. Don’t seek perfection, but I would advise using one with a hard exterior for peak performance.

Step 3: Remember to Enjoy the Journey

Sometimes we get too focused on the past and even on the end result. Don’t forget to stay in the present, enjoy the moment. Small daily actions can compound and cause you to achieve things that you didn’t believe were possible. Just keep moving forward. When it is time to polish the turd, we want to be ready. This is also your chance to make it into the history books, so you want to stay present and make sure you savor the experience.

Step 4: Formulate Strategy and Practice with a Toy Turd

I highly suggest you go out and buy yourself a toy turd to practice with. The texture may be slightly different than the real thing but will give you first-hand experience of polishing something that is shaped like a turd.

Once we have got all of our supplies and got our mindset perfected, we need to start devising the right game plan. There are a few schools of thought in the turd polishing game. The main two turd polishing processes are ‘the machine gun’ and ‘the sniper’. The machine gun polisher will go in there firing aggressively and trying to get this over with as soon as possible. This can be effective but is a high-risk strategy, usually adopted by seasoned professionals. You could easily make one wrong move and then it’s game over. This is not the way I would recommend approaching it, particularly as a raw novice to the turd polishing game.

You shouldn’t rush in there trying to get it done too quickly. This is where mistakes happen. Cool and calculated. Be the sniper. Take your time before firing the first shot. But when you fire you must realize there is no turning back and it is time to get to work.

Step 5: Roll Your Sleeves Up and Get to Work

It’s game day. This is your 8 mile. Lose yourself in the moment. Try and cut out all the external noise and any self-doubt. It’s your time to shine. Your chance to become a hero. Execute all that you have learned from the previous step.

Whatever you do, don’t get overwhelmed by the moment. Just pretend it is the toy turd like you practiced. Be like a sniper. Take your time, be poised and when the time is right, gently fire that polish into the middle and slowly work your way with the brush, spreading evenly across the turd. Don’t rush and risk damaging the turd. Haters will argue that as the turd isn’t as you found it, it doesn’t count. Slow strokes up and down, left to right. Control your breathing to manage the bad smell. Let the turd know who works for who.

If you have followed this advice flawlessly, in the end, you should have a gleaming turd staring up at you. All the hard work is done. It is now time to sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor.

Step 6: Celebrate and Brag Outrageously to All Those Haters Who Said It Can’t Be Done

Let them know who Da Man is. Do a few Rick Flair Wooo’s and Hulk Hogan hand-to-ear taunts. Mainly seen in the 80s by wrestling fans but they will still understand who’s boss by how obnoxious and confrontational you are being, even if they don’t get the references.

Step 7: Stay Humble

It’s important to stay humble. Once you have got all the gloating out of your system, be a gracious winner. Tell all the haters how you too have been wrong before about things so you know how they feel.

Remember that time someone told you there was an elephant in the room and you spent two hours checking? And then everyone was laughing at you for looking for so long? Still annoyed at myself for not finding it, elephants are massive.

Through believing it was possible and taking action, I was able to silence my critics and give a solid account of myself. I was able to overcome everything, despite the odds heavily stacked against me.

I have made the whole process sound easy, but it was far from it. There were moments where the smell was starting to overwhelm my nose and made my eyes water. There were also moments of gagging and wanting to quit.

But I knew that victory would be far sweeter than this potent smell. I remembered my WHY. This was going to inspire a whole generation of people who were told they can’t achieve something. It’s all about mindset and believing something CAN be done. Since I polished a turd, 24 other people have gone on to polish a turd within a year. SPOOKY.

If you are ever told that something can’t be done, remember that it was once commonly accepted that you can’t polish a turd.