How To Permanently Impress Your Boss Without Being A Butt Kisser
Becoming obsessed with these bizarre behaviors — completely — changed the way my nearly unimpressible boss saw, treated, and paid me.
Nobody likes a bootlicker.
An apple-polisher.
A boss leech.
A fake.
But everyone wants to impress their boss. They want credit where credit is due. They want to be seen for who they really are — without being too pushy.
I used to be everyone.
Working at one of those soulless companies where ping pong tables are more common than desks, little me decided it was time to pour my soul into the company.
I was starving for my dream promotion.
But I had only one problem.
I was working for the world’s most unimpressible boss.
I did everything the workplace gurus said:
- Work hard.
- Always be early.
- Dress to impress.
True, but useless.
These gurus definitely never met my — unreasonably — ruthless boss.
The only thing that could impress that man was his hand-rolled Cuban cigar.
The harder I would work, the more dirty work my boss threw at me. The earlier I arrived, the more manipulative my boss got with little after-hour favors. The better I dressed, the more my co-workers seemed to think I was a snob.
Surrounded in an office full of boss pets, everyone wanted the promotion to the corner office.
It’s comical how everyone got so obsessed with the same goal that their minds automatically went into bootlicker mode — mine included — at the beginning.
But there was one colleague playing an entirely different game.
She outfoxed us over and over.
She was unstoppable.
The boss loved her. The boss’ boss loved her. I even caught the shareholders gushing about her work in an elevator once.
At first, I didn’t get it:
- Her work quality was average.
- She arrived on average times.
- She dressed average.
She was tragically average.
But it wasn’t until she became my team leader a year later that I discovered her ingenious art of always engineering herself into the minds of her superiors.
I started copying her highly effective behaviors in my next moves and it changed everything.
1. Operate at lightning speed
The faster you work, the faster you work better.
Superheroes move at lightning speeds fast for a reason.
Speed blows minds.
If you do even the expected in an unexpected amount of time, you’re already adding the wow factor to your personal brand.
The goal is to become the boss’ go-to person when the shit hits the fan.
You are transforming yourself from an average employee into a crisis manager.
When the person who was supposed to manage the person who does the thing calls in sick 2 hours before the event, you are the lifesaver. When the client who wanted the thing in red had a nightmare and now all of the sudden wants the thing in pink, you are the lifeguard.
But how do you work faster?
Speed is a mind game.
Pretend for a second that you’re an elite athlete and your colleagues are playing footsie when it comes to pace.
Totally forget about quality.
Break it up in nearly impossible 5-minute chunks.
If you give yourself 30 days to clean your kitchen, it will take you 30 days. Give yourself 5 minutes before your mother-in-law arrives and that same kitchen is so fucking clean that even the cockroach and her 4 children under the sink move back into the drain.
Turn on that timer and start the race.
Measure yourself.
Try to beat your personal best.
Is your typing keeping you back? Turn off that Netflix episode you had planned for tonight and spend 30-minutes on 10 Fast Fingers and teach your fingers how to type the type.
You wouldn’t believe how fast you’ll be able to type after 3 weeks.
While Rodney at the back desk is using his keyboard as a pillow, you’re at the Olympics baby.
Fuck perfectionism.
Get the first draft done first:
The faster you get to a first draft, the faster you can find what is not the way. The faster you find what is not the way, the faster you can find the way.
It also has some personal quirks:
- The faster you work, the faster you learn.
- The faster you learn, the quicker you get better at your work and outpace your colleagues.
Under-promise. Over-deliver.
Always.
The colleague that I learned these strategies from might have started out as average, but because she worked at a race pace, she exponentially outlearned everyone in the office.
2. Spend 20% on the work, 80% on the packaging
The better you package your work, the better your work will be perceived.
A painting can be average but put it in a glass cage at the Louvre, and the whole world wants to worship it.
Treat your work the same way.
Spend time chasing down the devils in the detail.
Instead of working your ass off to create an ugly information-perfect piece of work, make it beautiful. Instead of showing the client’s logo in black and white, go the extra mile by creating the perfect mockup that allows them to see what is possible.
To impress, a here you go just doesn’t cut it anymore.
First impressions matter.
Imagine you’re a magician revealing the wow-moment of your act.
Although my colleague's work quality was average, she knew how to make it a showstopper. While the rest of the team printed on normal paper, she printed on the kind of paper you want to (but can’t afford to) use for your wedding cards. While the rest of the team didn’t care about designs, she spent her evenings learning how to use InDesign and made every report on brand, but looking like one of those booklets you get at a high-end jeweler.
It looked so good that whatever was in it almost didn’t matter.
3. Really get to know your boss
The better you know your boss, the easier you can impress your boss.
People like people who are like them.
My colleague knew that all too well.
From day 1, she created a spreadsheet profile of all the things that made the boss tick. While everyone else was talking crap in meetings, she kept quiet.
She took notes for her secret spreadsheet.
She wrote down all the buzzwords the boss used. When other people spoke, she kept a close eye on the boss’ body language taking note of anything that made him frown, smirk, or smile. When the boss praised someone, she took note. When the boss mentioned his fears, she wrote them down.
She kept a log of whenever the boss arrived and left. She took note of what the boss was reading, wearing, smoking, and eating. She especially took note when the boss’ boss was visiting.
When she showed me a glimpse of her secret sheet for the first time, I was shocked. It was all so advanced that it felt like something out of a Bond movie.
She knew the boss better than he knew himself.
And she used it to her advantage.
After a few months, she knew exactly at what time the boss would arrive on what day. She came in 5 minutes before him and left 5 minutes after him. She knew exactly what words he liked and started using them in presentations and reports. She made sure she read what the boss was reading and quoted them in team meetings. An hour before the boss’ boss arrived, she would pop in to leave her mind-blowing weekly report, knowing that the show-off boss would most likely boast about her in his meeting.
She pressed all the right buttons at all the right times without kissing his butt.
4. Personally update your boss at least once a day
A boss who never has to come find to you, is a happy boss.
Whether it is a daily email, text, phone call, or even a report, make sure you update your boss at least once a day.
The number one reason I see people getting fired is because of a lack of communication. If the boss doesn’t know what is going on you’re adding stress to her shoulders.
No long paragraphs.
5 to 6 bullets of key updates and that’s it.
Think tweet instead of article.
My colleague used to text the boss with an update every day at exactly the same time to add reliability that it would be there.
By the time he glanced at the update, he was a worry-free man.
3 months after I started copying these weird behaviors, I got my first promotion. I earned my boss’ respect.
I thrived.
But then I started my own thing where I became the boss and learned a couple more things.
My ultimate tips:
- Before trying to impress your boss, impress yourself.
2. See it as a personal self-improvement journey.
3. Let other people talk about your achievements.
Now go knock your boss out of her socks.
You’ve got this.
