Summary

The article discusses strategies for balancing people-pleasing with self-authenticity, emphasizing rational decision-making and selective resistance to social norms.

Abstract

The author, a collectivist Chinese living in the West, offers insights into how individuals can navigate the tension between pleasing others and maintaining their true selves. The article suggests that the negative feelings associated with people-pleasing stem from the ego's resistance rather than the act itself. It outlines a three-step approach: understanding personal desires, evaluating the impact of conforming against one's genuine desires, and asserting oneself against specific norms or requests without rejecting the broader social context. The author encourages readers to make rational decisions without self-criticism and to refuse requests kindly and firmly, advocating for moderation and self-awareness in social interactions.

Opinions

People-pleasing is not inherently negative and can contribute to social harmony, especially in collectivist societies.
The discomfort associated with people-pleasing is often a projection of the ego and can be reframed as a rational decision-making process.
It's crucial to discern personal desires before deciding whether to conform to societal expectations or assert one's own needs.
Standing up against norms should be done on a case-by-case basis rather than as a blanket rejection of the entire social system.
Overemphasis on personal principles can lead to unnecessary suffering, and it's important to weigh the actual consequences of conforming.
Refusal to comply with requests should be communicated with kindness, without the need for over-explanation or seeking approval.
Self-criticism is unnecessary when making decisions about how to interact with others and when to prioritize one's own needs.
The article promotes the idea that moderation is key in balancing the desire to please with the need to stay true to oneself.

How to people please without losing our true selves

From a collectivist Chinese living in the individualist West

In a collective society, people-pleasing is expected for social harmony. Our personal preferences aren’t always a priority. I want to give a fresh take on how to people please without losing our true selves. And why it’s really not a bad thing to be a people pleaser!

Feeling it in the ego

Why do we please people? Because we want others to like us, or for greater social harmony. Tension arises, and we feel bad when what others want isn’t aligned with our wants, so it feels like we are bending our true values for others.

I want you to rethink this. The truth is, both ‘feeling bad’ and ‘bending ourselves’ are negative feelings our ego projects to us. There’s no struggle, only rational decision-making.

Step 1: Know what we actually want

Do we want to stay at this party or go home? Do we want to work overtime to please our boss? If you don’t know what you really want, then following the ‘norm’ is not that bad. It’s the path with the least resistance.

But if you know what you really want, which is different from what others want, we need step 2.

Step 2: The real question

When there’s a discrepancy between our genuine desire and society’s norm, it’s good to take a step back and avoid automatically standing up against it. Many people have pointless principles that they feel they must stand by them.

The actual question should be: Will doing what others want to make you suffer big time?

If not, then again, why go against the norm? This goes back to an earlier newsletter I wrote about ‘is it time to quit your job’. If you don’t have any true calling to do a different job, and your current job is not that horrible, then you aren’t suffering at all. You are just complaining. Then you shouldn’t quit. See a similar logic there?

Don’t enlarge your suffering when it’s not that bad at all.

Step 3: against the norm

It’s important to remember that you are standing up against the norm only for this particular event or a particular person under most circumstances, not for a whole, big situation.

Even in big issues like feminism, we aren’t really against all men (some people take this view, and that’s wrong and dangerous!). We are against situations where women are treated worse deliberately. We aren’t going against the system because all systems are fundamentally faulty — let’s worry about that some other time.

So we can sandwich our refusal by being clear that:

we are happy with the big picture
but in this particular incident, I’m going against the norm for my own good.

For example, I was at a party late last night, and people urged me to go to the club with them. I needed to write this newsletter in the morning, so I didn’t want to be hungover or whatnot. So I said ‘I enjoy spending time with you, but it’s getting late so I need to go home.’

You don’t need to over-explain or seek their approval, just focus on delivering your refusal with kindness and stick to it.

Famous last words

Remember, it’s not about blaming yourself for being a people pleaser. It’s rational decision-making and skillful refusal about your true feeling on a particular matter at a particular time.

No inner criticism is needed.

Moderation is everything.

This article is originally from Midori by the Sea’s newsletter. Have you subscribed to this newsletter yet? No? Click here now, so you get something nourishing in your inbox every Sunday :)