How to Parent the Next Generation When You Lack a Good Parenting Model

Your child’s story doesn’t have to be the same as yours

Jamie** was pregnant with her first child. While she was excited about the birth, she was also scared. When Liz, an older woman from her church reached out to her, Jamie shared her fears.

(**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.)

“My mother was addicted to drugs, and my father was in and out of prison for most of my childhood. I’m afraid that what happened in one generation will keep repeating in the next. How can I raise a child when I’ve never had a good example of how to do it?”

I don’t know about you, but I can identify with Jamie’s fears. My parents weren’t alcoholics, junkies, or prisoners. But they were broken, sinful humans who had issues with extreme overcontrol and manipulation.

Even after I was legally an adult and definitely old enough to make my own decisions, they refused to let any decision of mine that went against their will go unpunished.

Often, my attempts to make my own decisions were met with intense rage, in addition to the classic FOG — “fear, obligation, and guilt” — emotional blackmail techniques. When I was younger, the FOG would suck me in. After I got older and met my husband, who loved me no matter what I did or what choice I made, I began coming out of the FOG.

And, speaking of my marriage, my parents refused to come to my wedding or let anyone they knew come because they disapproved of my husband, as well as the fact that I wouldn’t back down from my choice to have the ceremony when I wanted to schedule it, instead of when they thought it would be better.

After the wedding, when the very real possibility of me becoming a mother approached, I began to worry. Would I try to control my children the way I’d been controlled, even to the point of not letting them make their own decisions when it was developmentally appropriate for them to do so? Would I balk at the idea of being a parent at all and become too permissive because I know what it feels like to be overcontrolled?

Or would I, by the grace of God, come to some happy medium, where I could offer the appropriate amount of direction and guidance — but always with grace and an understanding that God never intended discipline to be used to break the spirit?

In other words: Could I be a parent of happy, well-adjusted kids who grow up to be happy, well-adjusted adults?

An encouraging story

Remember Jamie and Liz? I didn’t have anybody in my life like Liz at the time I was expecting my first daughter and experiencing all those doubts. I wish I had. Liz is a very wise woman.

When Jamie expressed her fears, Liz shared the story of Samson’s mother with her.

In Judges 13, a barren woman who was married to a man named Manoah was visited by the angel of the Lord. He told her:

“You will become pregnant and have a son whose head is never to be touched by a razor because the boy is to be a Nazirite, dedicated to God from the womb. He will take the lead in delivering Israel from the hands of the Philistines.” (Judges 13:5, NIV)

She told her husband about the encounter with the angel, but apparently he didn’t believe her. Ironic, isn’t it? Samson’s daddy didn’t trust his mom when she was telling the truth, but Samson trusted Delilah when she was trying to trap him into revealing his secret … to his downfall. That just proves that what one generation does, the next won’t necessarily do.

Anyway, the non-trusting Manoah prayed:

“O Lord, please let the man of God whom You have sent come to us again that he may teach us what to do for the boy who is to be born.” (Judges 13:8, NASB)

God, proving once again that He has a sense of humor and doesn’t operate according to our wants and whims if they’re not according to His will, once again came down to talk to Manoah’s wife when her husband wasn’t anywhere around. The angel waited patiently, however, while she went and got her husband. And Manoah questioned the angel about what he heard from his wife. The angel confirmed it all. The two expecting parents made an offering to the Lord. And they followed everything the Lord told them to do during the pregnancy.

“Then the woman gave birth to a son and named him Samson; and the child grew up and the Lord blessed him.” (Judges 13:24, NASB)

Liz ended her retelling of this Bible story with this: “When her husband, Manoah, wanted to know how to raise the boy, the angel came to the couple and shared God’s instructions again. If you seek Him and His answers, God will patiently give you wisdom and reveal to you how to best parent your child because He knows both you and your child intimately. All you have to do is ask Him.”

Focus on God’s power and perfection, not your failures and frailties

What Jamie was doing at the beginning of this story (and what I was doing early in my first pregnancy) was taking her/my eyes off God and looking only at her/myself. That’s a sure way to get yourself in trouble.

God loves you, and He loves your children. He wants what is best for all of you, and He will make sure that happens if you lean on and submit to Him.

A prayer for myself — and you too

Lord, help us to remember that the sins, mistakes, and problems of one generation don’t have to carry into the next. Our children’s stories don’t have to be the same as our own. Show us how to be wise and loving parents, just like You, so we can more effectively raise children who love and follow you all the days of their lives. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

If you enjoyed this post, I’d like to invite you to join my free private Facebook group where mothers can connect for support and encouragement in the Lord.