How to Overcome Your Own Self-Limiting Beliefs

Spot the erroneous self-talk that holds you back, then use this powerful exercise to eradicate it

“If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price.” — Jean Sibelius

Many years ago, during a time of particular confusion, I went to therapy. It didn’t last long — the cost of the sessions was stressing me nearly as much as the issues I was trying to fix — and I didn’t particularly warm to my therapist. He had a mildly irritating facial expression that was probably intended to convey sympathy and concern, but to me, it looked as if he was in pain. Or constipated. Or both.

Although in my own mind my problems were extremely dramatic, complex, and intractable (I have a competitive streak — if I was going to be messed up enough to be in therapy, I wanted to be the most messed up), I instead found myself toning them down for fear of adding to the almost unbearable burden of pain he seemed to be already carrying.

Although my therapy only lasted three sessions, and I thought it had been a waste of time and money, there was a sheet of paper that the therapist gave me that turned out to be worth its weight in gold. It was a list of thinking errors.

I taught myself to use that list to improve my internal dialog, and that habit changed my life. While it’s no substitute for good therapy, it’s a tool that anyone can use for better self-talk hygiene—I’ll show you how to do that in the rest of this article.

Here’s what was on the list.

1. Labeling: I was good at this one. Fat, stupid, undisciplined, lazy, gauche—there weren’t many derogatory adjectives I hadn’t applied to myself at one time or another.
2. Personalising: Taking personal responsibility for a bad thing when, rationally, it was outside my control — like choosing to go and see a film that turned out to be a bad one, and feeling apologetic towards the friend I’d dragged along to see it with me.
3. Mind-reading: Believing that someone was thinking bad thoughts about me, on the basis of little or no evidence. If someone didn’t return my call, it had to be because they thought I was boring, rather than because they hadn’t picked up the message.
4. Fortune-telling: I wouldn’t even attempt something because, in my own mind, I’d already anticipated failure. Closely tied to…
5. Catastrophising: Imagining the worst possible outcome and expecting it to come true.
6. Black and white thinking: If something wasn’t a total success, then it was a total failure, even if, objectively, ninety percent of it had gone well.
7. Mental filtering: Focusing on the negative, rather than the positive, in any situation — like ignoring praise and concentrating on the one negative comment. If I tried hard enough, I could even stretch to….
8. Disqualifying the positive: Construing positive comments negatively; mental filtering, taken to its logical conclusion.
9. Making demands: Directed at myself, this is what is known as “masturbatory” thinking: “I must…”, “I should…”, “I ought…”. This was my default mode, and as a bonus, was one I could turn against other people as well, by demanding that they should behave in a particular way. To make it extra-special, I could run the story in my head that they must, should, or ought to be a certain way, but neglect to share this internal instruction manual with the person in question, thus perfectly setting them up to fail. Either way, trying to control uncontrollable people (i.e. everyone) is a guaranteed shortcut to frustration and stress.
10. Emotional reasoning: Using my emotions to evaluate a situation. For example, believing that because I feel unattractive, I, therefore, am unattractive.

When my therapist gave me the list, he suggested that, for a week, I try to spot examples of myself committing these errors. These thinking errors were a list of ways one might fail to look at events rationally and objectively, and instead, to interpret things in the worst possible way.

I got ten out of ten. Yay, me!

These patterns were like well-trodden footpaths through my brain. Situation X, emotional response Y, every time. It was the path of least resistance.

Those footpaths had been created by a lifetime of experience, and I thought it would take a lot of effort to set off cross-country and start creating new footpaths, new and more constructive emotional responses. I thought it would take months, if not years, of hard work, of picking myself up on my thinking errors, pausing to evaluate the situation more objectively, and of coming up with a better way to respond. During my very brief period of therapy, I made a very conscious effort to do it — and it made my brain ache with the strain.

In a counter-productive twist, I found myself berating myself for not being more successful at it. Oh, great. Now I’d found yet another stick to beat myself with.

After years of perseverance, I’ve found two ways to rewrite those internal scripts. I’ve tested them, and both of them work. Pick one.

1. Spend months at a time alone in a tiny rowboat on an ocean. (See my website if you don’t know what I’m talking about.) You really, but really, get to know the voices in your head, and to reach some kind of acceptable co-living arrangement with them.
2. Or, if that doesn’t appeal, and/or if you can’t take several months away from the day-to-day, try the process below. It’s still kind of nautical.

Think Different

Picture a pretty little old-fashioned wooden rowboat — or heck, maybe a superyacht is more your style. Whatever — just make it out of wood, or the whole metaphor falls apart.

Each plank in your boat’s hull is a belief that helps keep you afloat as you navigate the ocean. For the boat to be seaworthy, we need to make sure that all the planks are sound and true — there must be no rotten wood or holes, or our boat will let the water in.

What is a rotten plank in this metaphor? It’s a self-limiting belief that puts a hole in your commitment to your goal. It leaks out gumption and lets in doubt. If it is serious enough, it can even sink your dreams.

The guru of self-esteem, Nathaniel Branden, defines it as:

“The disposition to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness.”

Note, Branden doesn’t say you have to be competent. You just have to experience yourself as confident. And you don’t even have to experience yourself as competent in a wide range of endeavours. Just pick one or two, which you’re already okay at, and build out from there. Baby steps.

So let’s look at what beliefs we hold, and make sure we use only good planks to build our boat.

Beliefs Create Reality

A belief is a thought that we have thought time and time again — so much so that it has become ingrained in the way we see ourselves and the way that we believe other people see us.

If you know a bit about neuroscience, you’ll know that the first time we think a thought, a new connection in our brain is created. At first, it’s a weak, fragile little connection, but if we keep on thinking that same thought, the connection goes from being like a thread to string to a rope as the connection gets stronger and stronger. This is called neuroplasticity, meaning that the physical structure of our brain actually changes as a result of the thoughts that we think.

The funny thing is that the original thought doesn’t even have to be true for this to happen. Because our brain subconsciously loves to be right, once it has an idea in its head (so to speak), it will distort, delete, and generalise all incoming data to reinforce what it has already decided. We are bombarded with so much sensory input on a daily basis that our brain has to filter what comes in or it would explode with data. So it selects the input that tallies with its pre-existing view of how the world works and ignores the rest.

If we’re lucky, and we had amazing parents and supportive teachers during our formative years who gave us lots of positive input about ourselves, our beliefs can form an incredibly powerful platform for success and happiness. Psychologist Carol Dweck (check out her TED Talk) has done a huge amount of research on what she calls the “growth mindset”, which comprises beliefs like this:

• I have the patience to sit with a problem until I find a solution.
• I can learn anything when I put my mind to it.
• I have the tenacity to see projects through to completion.
• I can get along well with people.

But most of us have a few rotten planks in there as well, and some negative self-talk that constantly undermines us and our attempts to succeed in the world.

For example, a teacher that I respected once told me that I should have more confidence in my abilities. I’m sure he meant well, but it had the entirely counter-productive effect of making me filter the way that I experienced the world so that I noticed the times when I was lacking in confidence and ignored the times when I forgot to be self-conscious and acted confidently. So once I started thinking that I lacked self-confidence, it rapidly became a self-fulfilling prophecy — I took heed only of the evidence that supported my no-self-confidence theory and ignored all evidence to the contrary.

So I ask you now — do you ever notice a nasty little voice that suddenly pops up in your head and tells you something negative about yourself?

• I’m not smart enough.
• People don’t like me.
• I’m not good at sports.
• I don’t deserve it.
• I’m unlucky.
• I’m too young.
• I’m too old.
• I’m weird.
• I have a big nose.

You can include practically any self-talk you notice that starts with “you must”, “you should”, or “you ought”, or contains “always”, “never”, “everybody”, or “nobody”. Banish these words and phrases from your inner dialogue, or they will rob you of your agency.

A lot of us are carrying around the strangest stories about ourselves, most of which would not stand up for an instant in a court of law. Maybe someone said something that we may or may not have understood correctly, and we took our interpretation onboard as gospel-truth. From then on, everything we experience, we interpret through the filter of the feelings we had over that one careless remark. It becomes a blight on our lives, holding us back from the success and happiness we deserve.

The good news is that no matter what beliefs we have inherited from our past experiences, when we turn out attention to our beliefs and become aware that they may not necessarily be true, we can identify the unhelpful beliefs and turn them around.

“What a liberation to realise that the “voice in my head” is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees that.” — Eckhart Tolle

So let’s go look through our beliefs, and see what rotten planks we need to throw out.

How to Clean Up Your Head

1. Take your notebook and write down 3–7 beliefs that have held you back

You can start with anything that comes to mind when you imagine the things you would like to do, but feel a block holding you back. While there may be real hurdles in your way, you might find that some of them are better categorized as limiting beliefs.

I don’t want to lead the witness here, but if you believe even a little bit that something has to be perfect before you will let it out the door, I highly recommend that you add “perfectionism” to your list of self-limiting beliefs. Surely no other belief has been responsible for as many fabulous ideas and people failing to launch into the world.

If you feel chock-full of self-limiting beliefs, and you’re thinking, man, three to seven beliefs doesn’t even scratch the surface!”, then write them all down and then pick a small number to focus on to start with. We’re going to be doing a lot of work on each of these beliefs, so if you’re short on time choose fewer rather than more at this point. Once you’ve got the hang of this technique you’ve got a lifetime to work on the rest.

Good. Now let’s get to work.

2. Taking the first of your negative beliefs, and find an example of a time when that belief may not have been true

Picture this as a table. Your belief is the tabletop, and you’ve assembled table legs — or evidence — to support that belief. If you find counter-evidence, you take one of those legs away, and your table becomes very wobbly. Take another leg away and it falls over.

So, for example, if I am thinking about my lack of self-confidence, I would ask myself if there was ever a time that I acted confidently. Maybe there was a time amongst close friends when I surprised myself by saying something that made people laugh, and it made me feel good. Or a stranger asked me for directions and I helped them. Or there was an emergency and I did what needed to be done before I had time to think about it.

Or, if you can’t think of an example, spend the rest of today looking for evidence that might negate your self-limiting belief. Look hard, and notice even the tiniest things that cast doubt on the accuracy of your belief.

If you’re still struggling to find counter-evidence, don’t worry. Go on to the next step.

3. Think about how this belief has held you back

At work? In relationships? In reaching your goals? Has it perhaps even affected your health? Write down all the ways you can think of that this belief has not served you well.

You want to let your subconscious know that this belief is really not helping, and the best way to do that is to associate as much pain with it as you can. So lay it on thick. Think of all the amazing things you might have achieved during the years since you first adopted this belief if you hadn’t had it shackled to your leg like a ball and chain. Feel deeply the pain of all those lost opportunities, those missed chances. Make it hurt.

Ouch. Sorry. I know that was brutal. But please keep the faith. This is going to be worth it in the end. No pain, no gain.

4. Now for some time travel: delve back into your past and try to recall when you first started believing this thing about yourself

What triggered that event? Was it something somebody said? An isolated incident that you’ve generalised to become a universal “truth”?

Have you got it? Hold it there in your mind’s eye. Now, ask yourself if there could be an alternative interpretation of that moment. You attached one meaning to it, which created this self-limiting belief, but are there other meanings that you could have chosen?

For example, if somebody said something mean to you, were they just having a bad day? What motivated them to say it? Might they have thought they were being kind towards you by correcting your behaviour?

Did they have something to gain by making you feel small? Was it even someone whose opinion you respect? Were they happy and fulfilled in their life, or were they maybe just lashing out to make themselves feel better? Could their remark actually say more about them than it does about you?

“A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.” — David Brinkley

For a moment, imagine that you were not yourself in this scenario. You are a (very wise and intelligent) fly on the wall, observing yourself from the outside. What would the fly have seen? Would it take away the same interpretation of the situation that you did?

Write down at least three alternative interpretations. Now close your eyes and replay the event from these different perspectives. See how you could have attached a different, less hurtful meaning to the situation.

Now, have some fun with it in your imagination. Turn the event into a cartoon. Speed it up. Make people speak in silly voices. Give it a jolly soundtrack. Put red clown noses on everybody, including yourself. Use every trick you can think of to take away the power that that moment has had over you. Make yourself laugh at how ludicrous it is that you ever took it so seriously.

5. Write down a list of the benefits that you have gained from this self-limiting belief

Now for a tricky one. This will call for you to be very honest with yourself.

Self-limiting beliefs can sometimes also serve a purpose. They give us an excuse not to try things, not to get out there into the discomfort zone. They can stop us from rocking the boat with those we know and love.

So it might seem odd to look at this side of the equation. We want to get rid of this belief, right? So why are we looking at the reasons to keep it? Trust me — this is important work. We need to figure out how you can get those benefits in a different way once you’ve got the self-limiting belief out of your life.

Write down the feelings that you associate with those benefits — like comfort, security, absence of fear, avoidance of conflict, and so on.

And now I’d like to invite you to think about other ways that you can get those same feelings once this self-limiting belief is gone.

For example, how would it be if you felt comfortable with discomfort? If you felt secure with insecurity? If you no longer feared fear?

Most of us have been brought up to regard discomfort, insecurity, and fear as bad things to be avoided. That is the meaning we have been conditioned to attach to them. But what if we could just notice those feelings and not get caught up in the drama of trying to avoid them? They would lose their power over us.

Woah! This is pretty intense stuff.

Don’t worry if it seems a bit much to take on board right now. Just hold that thought for the rest of this week, and ask yourself each day how much time and energy you want to spend avoiding “bad” stuff, when maybe nothing is really ever good or bad, except in the meaning we attach to it.

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” — William Shakespeare (Hamlet)

6. Visualize removing this limiting belief

Now, when you’re ready, we’re going to get rid of this pesky belief, once and for all. Let’s take this rotten plank and throw it into the ocean. (Don’t worry — it’s biodegradable.)

Close your eyes and picture yourself standing on a beautiful sandy beach, looking out at the blue waters of the ocean. There are palm trees fringing the sand, and a gentle breeze ruffles the fronds. You’re feeling calm. You’re holding the plank of your self-limiting belief in your hand. Picture the words painted onto the wood.

You suddenly feel incredibly powerful, super-strong, and charged with unbelievable energy. You’re going to take that plank and throw it as hard as you can, putting all that power and strength and energy into chucking that plank far, far out into the ocean.

Do it now!

Wow! Look how far it’s going! You are a world-record-breaking plank-thrower! It must have gone at least a mile out to sea!

You watch the plank spinning end-over-end through the air as it goes up and away, further and smaller and fainter as it disappears towards the horizon. Eventually, you see a tiny splash, almost too far away to hear, as it falls into the water and sinks beneath the waves without a trace.

7. Now breathe deeply, open your eyes, and write down a statement that is the opposite of your self-limiting belief — say it out loud

How does it feel? If it feels like too much of a stretch, replace it with an interim belief. Think of this as a ladder that you’re going to climb, one rung at a time. Or if you want to stick with our nautical theme, picture it as climbing the rigging.

For example, if you think you’re overweight, it might feel false to go straight to “I have a slender and gorgeous body” if that’s not how you feel. Your subconscious will know that you’re bluffing. So the first rung on the ladder might be, “I have a body that is strong and vital”, or we could even start with, “I have a body.” That much is definitely true! Find a statement you believe in, and work up from there. Make sure it feels positive and certain and true to you.

Now close your eyes again and picture yourself living out this new empowering belief. Make the picture vivid in every detail — give it colour, sound, texture, movement. Step into the picture and feel yourself having the emotions that your new belief brings you — power, energy, happiness, self-confidence. Really work this scene until it is as real to you as the room around you.

Try for a moment going back to your self-limiting belief. Say it out loud. What power does it have over you now? If you haven’t completely destroyed it yet, go through the last two steps again.

8. Now go back to step two and repeat for the other self-limiting beliefs on your list

If you’re emotionally exhausted with all this introspection and plank-chucking, feel free to do this over the course of several days, weeks, or months.

Right! Now we’ve thrown out all the rotten stuff, and we have a lovely pile of quality planks to build our boat. I leave it to you to get this boat made however you like. If you’re a handy kind of person, make it yourself in your mind’s eye. Me? I wouldn’t trust any boat I’d made to get me across an ocean, so I’m going to hand over my planks to a reputable boatbuilder.

Just keep in mind that boats need constant maintenance. You’ll want to keep doing a routine check of the hull as you progress on your life’s voyage. Rot can set in at any point, and before you know it you’ve got a leak. Make a plan that every few weeks you’ll do a quick inspection and make sure your boat of beliefs is still shipshape and seaworthy. If you find any dodgy patches, work on them until you are satisfied that they are sound again. Your future depends on it.

“Once your thoughts reflect what you genuinely want to be, the appropriate emotions and the consequent behaviour will flow automatically. Believe it and you will see it.” — Wayne Dyer

Responding in the Moment

Once you’ve done this exercise and made it one of your regular tools for self-talk repair, you’ll notice ways to do this in the moment, as well.

This for a quick fix. If you catch yourself having a self-limiting moment, try shifting your negative self-talk into the past tense. For example, if you catch this unwelcome thought whizzing through your mind:

“I’m so disorganised.”

Rephrase it to:

“I used to be so disorganised, but now that I’m scheduling tasks directly into my diary I’m so much better organised than I used to be, and this is the first time in ages that I’ve screwed up.”

This will let your subconscious know that you are on a path of relentless improvement, so the self-limiting beliefs are fast becoming a thing of the past, leaving you free to move onwards and upwards towards your goals and dreams.

That’s all for now. Have fun redesigning your thoughts — and remember to be forgiving and patient with yourself. You will slip up, go backward, get frustrated. Pause, give yourself some loving kindness and carry on.

Old habits die hard, but I promise you, this works.