How to Overcome Toxic Shame, Guilt, and Codependency

Codependents are magnets for abusers. That’s why it’s so important to get rid of codependency

Codependency is the desire to put other people’s needs ahead of your own. This subconscious programming was instilled in codependents in childhood by their parents. This harmful programming is a ban on expressing your emotions and satisfying your needs — instead, you are obligated to take care of the family (younger siblings and/or a narcissistic parent). As a result of this kind of processing, children are raised to do their best to please others (they are called “People Pleasers”, for whom the happiness and comfort of their loved ones (in severe cases, those around them) are more important than their own needs.)

Not because they are masochists — rather, they are eternal “rescuers,” taking care of others until their health is completely undermined. Codependents have a need to be needed. Caring for others is even a joy for them. At the same time, every codependent has a dream “that someone will start taking care of me at last.” The subconscious goal of codependents is to receive love and approval. Therefore, when such a person meets a narcissist with their love bombing, the poor codependent simply doesn’t stand a chance. They are happy: finally, they’re appreciated! And surrounded by care! Things that a normal person would see as obsessive, codependents perceive with delight, because they themselves behave in exactly the same way (only they do it sincerely). Soon, the narcissist skillfully imposes the role of savior on the codependent. And then the narc makes a victim out of the partner, constantly playing on their feelings of guilt and shame — which codependents have in droves. While their self-esteem is low. And it’s all “thanks” to their toxic parents. It often happens that after leaving the parental home, the codependent soon meets a narcissist. The narc resembles the codependent’s parents, if not externally, then internally. And there is a feeling of “home.” The victims, alas, have never known anything better. In addition, they don’t believe that someone else will be able to “endure” them — this has been instilled in them since childhood and continues to be instilled by the narc. That’s why codependents don’t leave their abusers. They also feel responsible for everything, including their partner’s bad mood. If something goes wrong, codependents blame themselves.

It’s possible to become codependent without having a problematic childhood

by entering into a relationship with a narcissist as an adult: the impact of these toxic people is so strong that the partner begins to lose their own personality, becoming an “extension” of the narcissist. There is a destruction of your personal boundaries and an emotional fusion. You cease to be yourself, to live your life: instead, you first of all think about how to make this troubled family member happy or how to make him leave you alone. He hangs his negative projections on you — qualities that he refuses to see in himself. A steady drip of water wears away even a stone, also don’t forget about the narcissist’s ability to put those around them in a trance — therefore, over time, you begin to believe that these are really your character traits. In addition, you have been deprived of the right to your own feelings: you have been shut up or convinced that you feel something else. For example, instead of resentment, anger (“No one can get along with you, with such a bad temper!”) or hunger (“Eat and everything will pass. See how I take care of you? No one else will take care of you like that!”) etc. With the help of gaslighting, the narcissist makes those close to him believe in the reality that is beneficial to the abuser.

And yet, those who grew up in an unhealthy family get into relationships with narcissists more often. Because a program was imposed on the pleasers in childhood to prohibit their good qualities. They cannot accept them in themselves and give to others. And who is always more than ready to pin on other people’s positive qualities? Narcissists! As a result, the codependent person “clings” to the abuser, to whom they have given their own virtues — in order to be happy through another person, since they have a ban on their own happiness. On the one hand, the victim understands that they don’t get anything good out of such a relationship. “But on the other hand, he’s such an amazing person! He just started treating me badly. But he WAS good” (at the stage of love bombing and idealization, when you gave him your positive qualities. And now you cannot unsee all your own virtues presented in the narcissist.) So if you think that your tormentor is “generally” decent, good, kind, sympathetic, caring, courageous, enduring, responsible — these are YOUR qualities! All these treasures are within you! Illuminate your path with this light. If you doubt yourself, it’s the result of a malicious program implanted in you.

With healthy interdependence in harmonious relationships, individuals do not merge: they have their own hobbies, friends, their own opinions on any issue, but at the same time they feel good around each other. But among codependents, their dissatisfaction with life continues to grow, and no wonder. They constantly sacrifice their own interests and needs. The danger of codependency programming is that if it is not kept under control (it’s impossible to completely get rid of it, alas, because it is driven deep into the unconscious mind), the person can eventually turn into a covert narcissist. Even one with compassion. Since their resentment accumulates and grows, as well as their envy and anger at those who enjoy life and do what they want, the codependent starts to condemn such people for being “too arrogant,” “too spoiled.” Then the codependent, dissatisfied with own life, chooses someone from their environment and begins to hang personal negative projections on the scapegoat regularly.

Similarities Between Narcissists and Codependents

Both grew up in dysfunctional families. They both have increased anxiety and hence the desire to control everything. They are all instilled with a huge amount of toxic shame — they were constantly scolded and criticized in their childhood. To cope with this, codependents have learned to please, and narcissists have learned to seek other people’s recognition. Growing up, narcs begin to humiliate others (especially those who won’t fight back) in order to feel better, “lowering” others.

Both codependents and narcissists have big problems with personal boundaries: codependents perceive another person’s desire as a direct order to fulfill it. They are afraid to upset or anger their partner and other people. Narcissists see others as extensions of themselves, so they seek to exploit. And they hang those qualities that they don’t want to accept in themselves on others.

Both narcissists and codependents are used to suppressing their emotions because they were forbidden from showing them. Therefore, both codependents and narcissists understand their feelings very poorly and don’t want to admit them: for narcissists, this is a sign of weakness, and codependents are afraid that their real selves will be rejected because they are “imperfect.” As a result, neither codependents nor narcissists are capable of genuine emotional intimacy, since narcissists are afraid of appearing weak (even to themselves), and codependents are too afraid to disappoint, scare, anger.

Most narcissists are codependent, because they are painfully dependent on someone else’s approval, admiration, and attention — they literally cannot live without it! But at the same time, most codependents are not narcissists!

If you’re already starting to worry that you might have been contaminated by narcissism, ask yourself: do I still have empathy in the form of compassion? Is there someone in my environment who is definitely bad? If you answered “yes” to the first question and “no” to the second, then you are definitely not a narcissist. And such narcissistic traits as irritability, suspicion, and sensitivity are typical for those who are in an abusive relationship or have recently left one.

How to Get Rid of Harmful Codependency Programming

For codependents, the world is an unsafe place. Because that’s how their family was in childhood. This attitude is one of the reasons why codependents are so attached to their partners and so afraid of losing them. In normal families, parents create a sense of security and value in the child. Codependents are desperately looking for confirmation of their importance and safety from others, not trusting themselves (not knowing themselves).

1. If you’re dependent on other people’s opinions because you are not confident in yourself, you become easy prey — for literally anyone. You need to strengthen your self-worth (unlike self-esteem, it doesn’t depend on the opinions of others and means unconditional acceptance of the uniqueness and value of your personality. This is the same unconditional love that everyone dreams of and that good enough parents give to their children. If no one gave you such love, give it to yourself!). As a start, learn to trust yourself. Deep down in your heart, you know that you are not at all “too sensitive,” as was instilled in you in childhood and remains there to this day. And you have a right to all your feelings! Emotions are just an indicator of what is happening. For example, anger is designed to help defend personal boundaries. And sadness is natural in loss.

First, learn to listen to yourself: to do this, a few times every day, before you rush to fulfill someone’s request or do the next “exceedingly urgent” task (like cleaning or cooking), stop and ask yourself: “How do I feel right now? What do I want?” If you are tired, hungry, angry — this is normal! Learn to feel your own emotions. And your desires!

Remember: your thoughts and feelings matter. Even if no one around feels and thinks the same way! For example, you decide not to eat meat because you feel sorry for animals — and no one you know supports you in this, quite the opposite.

It’s very helpful, and even necessary to keep a journal, to record what mood you woke up in, what upset you, what you want. What did you dream about in your youth? What things do you want to do as a profession or a hobby?

Be sure to record your achievements in a separate list and re-read them in moments of persistent self-doubt! Compare yourself not to others, but to yourself yesterday.

2. Instead of seeking protection in others, learn to create an inner sense of security. Imagine yourself in a beautiful place, real or imaginary, where you feel good, calm, and comfortable, both spiritually and physically. Remember this feeling and try to preserve it. For a few minutes at first. Then a little longer. Whenever you feel like a lost child (usually when you’re tired, sick, ignored, or bullied), imagine yourself in your safe haven again. You will find that by mentally staying there, it’s easier for you to withstand the “flurry and onslaught,” even from your boss! Over time, this simple meditation will also rewire the pathological neural pathways in your brain, resulting in less anxiety. You will become calmer and more optimistic and stop clinging to others in order to feel safe: you will know that you can give that to yourself.

3. You need to start building personal boundaries and learn to say “no.” Especially if you are already exhausted, not to mention sick. Believe me, the world won’t stop turning without you! Other family members can cook their own simple breakfast or dinner, as well as do the dishes. And if they don’t, it won’t be the end of the world either. If you need to rest now, you have the right to do so! If a colleague (again) asks you to do their part of the work, calmly refuse. And you have every right NOT to explain why! Just because it’s not your responsibility. If they guilt you to take pity on them, no need to make excuses. Say, “I can’t help, I’ll be busy.” Even if you are going to rest — because, and it’s worth repeating, you have a right to! You don’t have to save this colleague or the world — start with yourself! Your health and wellness. No, you will not become selfish — it simply won’t happen, your codependency program will not allow it. However, you may well move from complete ignorance of your own interests to defending them!

Also, start expressing your feelings. If you’re upset, don’t grit your teeth and grin through it. If someone’s rude to you on public transport, you have the right to talk back. I’m not encouraging you to start swearing, but at least don’t apologize if you were pushed! You’re well within your rights to say: “I’m uncomfortable/hurt!” If you’re brought a burnt dessert in a cafe, ask for it to be replaced. And so on.

Learn to ask for help and accept it if you can’t handle something on your own.

4. Become a caring parent to your inner child — educate them, help them (finally) grow up! Give yourself something that you never got as a child — and perhaps in later life as well. Treat yourself like a scared baby, mentally hug this child and say: “I love you,” “You are safe, you are with me,” “You are important,” “You are good,” “You will succeed,” “I believe in you!” It may be strange at first, but over time, your confidence and self-love will grow.

5. You need to let go of the guilt of taking care of yourself. But it will be difficult for you to neutralize this malware on your own. If you try to take care of yourself, the virus program will whisper: “Why do you need a new coat? The old one isn’t bad. It’s better to buy the tablet your child asked for.” Your anxiety may continue growing, and people who are codependent already usually have anxiety issues. You definitely need to see a psychotherapist or a psychologist (you can do it online), at least once a month — you can find the money for this. Do this so you don’t turn into a covert narc who destroys their loved ones!

It will also help a lot to work on yourself within the framework of a codependency group (they are built on the principle of the work of Alcoholics Anonymous). In the US and England this is CoDA. Why do the same A.A. members regularly attend meetings, even if they haven’t had a drink in 20 years? However, when they stand up and introduce themselves, they say: “Hi, I’m Mike. I’m an alcoholic.” Because dependence on alcohol and drugs persists for life, there is always a risk of relapse. And you must understand that you have a lifetime risk of getting into a new abusive relationship. You are an energy donor, and toxic “vampires” simply cling to such people.

PLEASE REMEMBER:

TO BE CONTINUED! There will be even MORE IMPORTANT information in my new posts! Especially for people traumatized by toxic partners and narcissistic parents. Stay tuned to find out how to protect yourself from toxic personalities, how to heal from abuse, and how to get rid of malware of codependency and CPTSD. How to find and keep real love, how to create healthy relationships!

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