How To Overcome Feeling Invisible as a Woman
Fighting back when it feels like no one can see you
Do any other moms ever feel like they could drift away into the wind, and all anyone might notice is a passing breeze?
Do you feel like you’re never seen or heard?
Recently, on the fan-favorite installation of The Bachelor franchise, The Golden Bachelor, a contestant—Joan—gave a soundbite that left many viewers reeling.
“Because as you get older, you become more invisible. People don’t see you anymore.”
Fans took to the internet to comment in the days after—the raw truth in her words striking home for many. It rang true for me, too.
But I don’t think it’s just older women. I think it’s moms.
It seems to happen overnight
Once a woman becomes a mom, there is at least some part of her that disappears. If not all of her.
Suddenly, every waking moment is about keeping another human alive. And as caring for her new baby becomes routine, she then disappears on a new level. Every thought, every action is based around the needs of her child.
So if it’s not just older women, when exactly do moms start to fade out of view?
Unfortunately, it starts with healthcare from the moment their first child is born.
Women are seen by their doctors on a regular basis during pregnancy. But after the baby is delivered? After they’ve gone through what might be the most aggressive medical intervention they’ve ever experienced, or the most traumatizing event of their life (no matter how happy the outcome)?
They’re brushed off, given a single appointment for six weeks postpartum, and sent on their way.
They disappear.
Yes, infants need undivided attention and medical care. Newborns need well checks and weight checks and check-ins to make sure they’re feeding well. But moms need these check-ins too.
Moms, whose mental health often hangs in the balance after a baby is born. Moms, who are sleep-deprived, food-deprived, and self-deprived are shoved off into the world with a three-second check of their uterus and an offer for new birth control.
But it’s not just our medical system that forgets us.
Can anybody see me?
I’ll never forget after we brought our second baby home. While playing with him on the floor, looking into his deep, sea-blue eyes, my husband looked at me and said “I wonder where he got those blue eyes from?”
He said this while looking into my blue eyes that are identical to my son’s.
It was the first time I felt truly invisible.
I have no doubt that my husband loves me very much and that he knows my eyes are blue. I think once you see someone every day for years on end, at some point you might stop really seeing them. I don’t blame him. I blame life.
And now, a few years later, it’s still there, but different. There are many mornings when I’m trying my hardest to get my kids ready for school. I’ll repeat a phrase ten, fifteen times and won’t get so much as a look in my direction.
“Am I a ghost?” I often say. “Am I invisible?”
And I know it’s not just me. It’s not my family being mean. It’s just being a mom in today’s world.
But it doesn’t have to stay that way. I know a lot of moms who, when asked what they like to do for fun, can only provide answers about their children.
“Well, I don’t really have time for fun outside of shuttling to soccer practice,” they may say with a wry smile. But that’s how we stay invisible.
And it only gets worse with age. I’m 41 now. Not quite old but certainly not young. When I go out in public, even when “dressed up” or out for dinner with friends, no one casts a glance in my direction.
I can feel what Joan was talking about happening already, and I’m not what most people would consider “older.”
It happens now. Not in some far-off future.
I’m fully aware that I don’t need gray hair or (even more) wrinkles to turn invisible. I’ve been that way for years now.
It starts with you
But within the past couple of years, I’ve started pushing back. Fighting back. Trying my damnedest to make myself seen.
If only to myself.
I’ve poured my heart and soul into a new passion—one that’s for me (but one that will hopefully turn into a lucrative career down the road). Writing gives my soul joy, but more importantly, it feels like something I can really own and take control of.
But even if it doesn’t turn into that six-figure career we all dream of, I’ve found something that makes me feel more solid, like I’m no longer just a ghost passing through walls, sweeping crumbs and filling water cups.
I’m not entirely sure that I’m visible to others, yet. But I think, as women, it needs to start with ourselves.
Because even if—for now—I’m the only one who can truly see myself, that’s worth something.
For many moms, losing themselves in the day-to-day becomes all too easy. It’s that way for me unless I consciously try to break out of the fog. With so much to do for others, it’s easy to let the little pieces of ourselves fall away without even realizing it’s happening.
One day you wake up and realize you can’t remember the last time you did something for yourself.
You can’t recall the last thing that truly sparked joy deep within you—outside of doing things for your family.
And that’s not to say that caring for your children and family can’t bring you joy. It absolutely should. But in order to be seen—to step from under the invisibility-cloak hung on our shoulders when we become mothers, there needs to be something that is just for you.
Something that makes your soul, your very core say:
Yes, here I am.
If no one else sees you, make sure you can see yourself. Because once you become invisible to you, it’s easy to completely disappear altogether.
And you are far too amazing for that.
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