How I Overcame My Anger
I told myself a story and now I rarely feel anger
ANGER. We have all felt it. We have all lost it at one point or another. And we have all regretted it. It’s another part of being human. In fact it is a fundamental human emotion. It can and should be used for good. Anger helps us stand up for ourselves and our loved ones. However more often than not, it is used for bad. Like really bad stuff. Unfortunately.
What happens when you are really angry? Recall how you were at the most angriest moment of your life. Can you feel it? Your amygdala, an almond–shaped part of the brain associated with emotions, particularly fear, anxiety, and anger, gets activated. Certain hormones and neurotransmitters are released. Your muscles get tensed up. Your heart beats faster, your breathing rate increases and your blood pressure increases. You get so hot and sweaty and your focus sharpens. Your face may flush as increased blood flow enters your limbs and extremities in preparation for physical action. And you fool yourself into thinking you are being fully rational and justified in reacting whatever the way you want to!
Your amygdala gets activated before your cerebral cortex does. The amygdala is responsible for identifying threats to your well-being, and for sending out an alarm when threats are identified that results in you taking steps to protect yourself. It is what makes you angry before you even know it. And worse — it overrides your cerebral cortex which is the part of the brain responsible for thought and judgment so you are not to check on the reasonableness of any reaction if you react too fast.
What typically makes you angry? It is important to have a mental list of your triggers — so you know when it is coming and when it comes you know this is an opportunity to prove to yourself that you’re better than an angry raging animal. This is unique to you. It could be a violation of your personal space and privacy, abusive language directed towards you, shaming and blaming, insults, misrepresentations. Knowing and recognizing your triggers would help you anticipate potential anger episodes and circumvent them. Do not underestimate this.
Uncontrolled anger can be destructive to you as well as to those around you. It can wreck your mental, physical and social well-being. Just google the list of problems chronic anger can cause to your body and mind. I promise you, if you don’t react to anger you save yourself much more than what you gain by reacting to your anger.
Anger explosions and anger repressions are both utterly detrimental and destructive. Exploding in rage and anger into an agent of violence and abuse just gets you bad karma. On the other hand repressing your anger because somebody told you anger is bad, is also bad and leads to depression and anxiety — or like you put out your anger elsewhere. Absurd.
Getting angry is out of your control and takes practice and meditation to master it. But how you act out that emotion is purely within your control. I realized that I should take full responsibility and indeed ownership too of all my reactions. I formulated three steps for me to get out of that emotional state and use it for good.
- I now embrace the emotion fully. I let it soak every single cell of my body and every single atom(?) of my mind. I tell myself it is normal and it is part of everyday life. That to feel it itself is a blessing and shows that I’m alive and sensitive. That I care for my well-being and reputation. This is fine. This is normal. BUT I keep myself shut. I sit down rather than stand. I lay down rather than sit. Physically I time out myself but mentally and emotionally I let myself feel everything.
- Then I try to find out the exact reason for my anger. I ask the question “why or what made me feel this way”. And then I go on asking the same question — why? Because she said I’m a useless person. Why did that make me angry? Because I don’t like being called a useless person. Why is that the case? Because I think I am not. And on and on. I finally break it down so much so that I finally realize there is nothing to “protect” or “fight” for in the first place! I start to relax back towards my resting state when the target of our anger is no longer seen as a threat in the first place.
- Then after I have decided that it is meaningless to get angry at the first place, I channel whatever is left to doing something good. Usually this is something physical. Go play something or go for a walk. Go do something positive and not destructive about it. Then when I am totally relaxed and rational I can think about my choices in expressing my frustration in an assertive but non-confrontational way.
I have realized that letting go of 99% of problems and arguments is better than getting angry, fussy and annoyed with 100%. Furthermore when it comes to the 1% that really do matter — people tend to take you seriously and respect you when you do show your feelings and react in a way to communicate what you have in mind across. Let go of the 99% and the big 1% will be yours, I promise you!
How do you express your concerns and frustrations to the one who triggered you? I always find the advice of using “I” rather than “you” helpful. Say “I am (your feeling) because you did/say X”. Like for example “I am hurt that you said this” instead of “you made me sad!”. Or “I was worried something had happened to you” instead of “you drive me crazy by not informing me what you are upto!”.
If your anger causes significant distress and damage to yourself and those around you — and nothing you do seems to help — please do consider getting help for it. You might have a psychiatric issue or even just need someone to vent to and relate with. I hope this helps and please share if you found this helpful :)
