How I Overcame an Unhealthy Childhood Habit
Everything I need to be happy, I already have within me.
Six months ago, I had an epiphany as I was preparing to move home after a series of overseas assignments. I had accumulated too much stuff, most of which had no functional or sentimental value.
In decluttering my possessions, I traced my materialistic accumulation back to my childhood. It dawned on me that the habit was a legacy of the achievement-reward system that my mother had created during my childhood.
It will be a long journey to overcome this unhealthy habit. However, I am confident that it will be worth the effort.
“The journey is the reward.” ~ Steve Jobs
THE HABIT IN CHILDHOOD
My mother introduced her achievement-reward system when I started elementary school. It was intended to encourage me to do well in school by matching desirable rewards with academic results. The intended scope of the system was limited; achievements in other fields (such as sports or music) or even good behavior were not included.
The Formative Years
My parents placed great emphasis on academic achievements; they viewed education as the only guaranteed path to a good career. I was expected to deliver A’s for every assignment and test. They expected me to top the class and qualify for the best schools in the country.
In return for achieving a target, I would receive a tangible reward. The size of the reward would be commensurate with the importance of the assignment or test. I might be given ice cream or some other treat for acing an assignment. For the more important tests and exams, I could negotiate for a more substantial reward. For example, my mother agreed to buy me a He-Man action figure if I achieved the mutually agreed target. Once, I received Castle Grayskull for topping my class. The year I got into the junior high school of my parents’ dream, I got to travel to America to visit Disneyland.
The Inner Narrative
The achievement-reward system distorted my priorities as a child. It taught me to focus on the things that yielded concrete rewards rather than other forms of satisfaction or personal development. Learning became secondary to grades. I gave up non-academic pursuits, such as learning the piano or playing sports.
My inchoate sense of self-worth became bound to my academic achievements. However, it was much harder to sustain good grades over time, especially after I was admitted into a very good — and competitive — junior high school. The normal distribution curve meant that top grades were harder to come by. However, my mother did not adapt her achievement-reward system to my new circumstances. I became trapped in a downward spiral where a lack of rewards produced mediocre results.
The Need Not Being Fulfilled
The material rewards performed a secondary function, namely to substitute for the intangible things missing from my childhood. The rewards were intended to compensate for my parents’ inability to spend much time with me. They were after all busy working. I didn’t pick up many life skills, such as riding a bicycle or cooking an egg, until I was well into my teens. All the toys in the world could not mask the fact that I have no memories of meaningful conversations or positive life-defining experiences with my parents.
THE HABIT IN ADULTHOOD
I subconsciously brought the achievement-reward system into adulthood, which manifested as unhealthy behaviors and habits.
Materialism
I grew up into a pretty materialistic adult. I was always on the lookout for new acquisitions, especially toys, clothes, accessories, and gadgets. It would have been easy to blame my materialistic behavior on the pervasive advertising and shopping options of modern life. However, the reality is that my particular form of materialism was nurtured from a young age. My childhood had trained me to set targets to reward myself. The most foolish was the promise I made to reward myself with a luxury watch whenever I received a promotion at work.
A Narrow Sense of Self-Worth
I transferred the childhood focus on academics to my professional life. Achievements at work became the benchmarks to determine my self-worth. I focused on absolute targets (such as my output) as well as relative ones (how well I was performing compared to my peers). I would feel exhilarated when I received positive feedback, a good performance review, or a promotion. I viewed my peers’ struggles as an opportunity to distinguish myself.
There was an opportunity cost to this obsession. I neglected other areas of my life, especially relationships and health. I also missed out on personal growth. I read little that was not related to my work. I did not seek out new experiences. I had few hobbies other than watching movies, listening to music, and playing computer games.
Perpetuating the Habit with Others
I subconsciously applied a similar achievement-reward system to those who worked with me. I assessed my subordinates based on quantitative outcomes, such as the number of meetings held, reports filed, events handled, compliments received, etc. The ability to meet quantitative targets determined rewards such as positive feedback, performance grades, and recommendations for promotions. Intangible contributions or qualities, such as creativity, empathy, leadership, and teamwork were an afterthought. I was likely regarded as a cold and impersonal manager.
REWIRING MY MIND
I reprogrammed my attitude towards achievements and rewards through three strategies.
Finding My Motivation
For any behavioral change to be sustainable, it has to be rooted in the right motivations.
There are two types of motivations. The first is extrinsic motivation, whereby behavior is driven by the prospect of external rewards. In my case, the desire to live a more minimalistic life was triggered by the decision to quit my job and the concomitant need to reduce expenditures. I no longer had the desire or ability to spend money on frivolous objects. I certainly did not want to rent a bigger apartment or storage space for the sole purpose of storing my belongings.
The initial extrinsic motivation however evolved into an intrinsic motivation. This is where an action is performed for the inherent satisfaction it provides rather than any external reward. I began to enjoy the simplicity of a life without unnecessary possessions. I could focus on enriching my mind, body, and soul rather than my wallet.
A New Mantra
The shift to intrinsic motivations has made it much easier to sustain my new minimalist lifestyle. For the last four months, I have been living out of my suitcase. I have some clothes, a laptop, a phone, my dog, and a guitar. The rest of my belongings are in storage. I do not miss them and am seriously considering disposing of them altogether.
The simpler life has reminded me of certain truths that I had forgotten. I do not need many possessions to pursue fulfillment, pleasure, and happiness. My day is filled with activities I enjoy, such as playing with the dog, working out, cooking my meals, writing an article on something I’m curious or passionate about, or catching up with friends.
The only acquisitions I am interested in are knowledge, experiences, and connections. For that, all I need is a healthy mind and body.
“Everything I need to be happy, I already have within me.”
Coding New Habits
To avoid falling back into old habits, I had to replace the old achievement-reward system with a new cue-routine-reward loop. I also felt that the new loop should relate to a positive action (e.g. to strengthen financial prudence) rather than a negative one (i.e. to avoid wasting money).
Cues. I devised cues (or triggers) to discourage unnecessary expenditures. Charles Duhigg (The Power of Habit) identified five types of habitual cues, namely location, time, emotional state, other people, and preceding action. In my case, I am susceptible to impulse purchases, whether on the Internet when I’m bored or when I’m wandering around a mall. I thus found it helpful to remove the bookmarks of shopping sites from my browser. In the evenings, I leave my devices to charge in another room so that I don’t shop online while relaxing in bed. I make sure to compile a shopping list before heading to the supermarket or the mall.
Routine. Shopping malls are designed to lure you into all the shops. To avoid the temptation, I get groceries from the supermarket first. I make sure to load my shopping bags with heavy stuff so that I would want to go home immediately instead of checking out the other shops.
I have also found it useful to strengthen my willpower by setting personal challenges. I have a year-long challenge not to buy any new gadgets, toys, or accessories. Every other month, I resolve not to buy any new clothes. I use the “no buy” month to carefully consider whether I need an item I have been thinking about. I would have to convince myself that the item in question would fulfill an actual rather than imaginary need. In addition, its function could not be performed by an item that I already own.
Reward. To replace the instant gratification provided by constant consumerism, I maintain a bucket list of ideas on what I would like to do with the money saved. There is a big road trip that I want to take with my partner and the dog, the luxury holiday in the Maldives, and the personal gym that I would like to open. By keeping my focus on the bigger picture, it is easier to avoid the smaller distractions.
To sustain a new habit, immediate rewards are necessary. In this case, I have to avoid rewards that are material in nature as that would otherwise contradict the new habit. For instance, I would reflect on the experience of avoiding temptation, either when I meditate or when I talk to my partner. I have discovered that a little pride in a small achievement can be as fulfilling as a bar of chocolate.
TL;DR
Unhealthy habits can have insidious effects on our well-being as well as our relationships with the ones we love. It is not always our fault that we developed unhealthy habits. However, it is no one’s fault but our own if we do not try to rectify them. Changing an unhealthy habit, no matter how small, can have a big impact on our lives.
Here are 5 takeaways from my experience:
- Our habits likely have roots in our formative years. Do not be afraid to take a critical look at your past.
- It is never too late to make a change.
- Discover your motivation for making a change. Both extrinsic and intrinsic motivations can help catalyze change. However, allow your motivations to evolve as you change.
- Replace unhealthy habits with positive ones. Design new cue-routine-reward loops.
- Remember: Everything you need to be happy, you already have within you.