All-Hands Meeting
How To Operate Stephanie This Week
Team talk on Zoom at Steph, Inc.
CEO: Welcome everyone. We have a lot to cover, so let’s get at it. First, who can give an update on the closet situation? Why does she still stand there staring at the shirts? Can someone from DECISIONS chime in here?
DECISIONS: We’re hearing from back channels the shirts are too drab and don’t have a scoop neck. She “can’t just keep wearing the maroon long sleeve all the dumbass time.” Did the folks from CLOTHING BIAS come up with a campaign slogan for this yet?
CLOTHING BIAS: Yes. Based on statistical analysis, we intend to launch “Scoop Necks Are for Old Ballerinas Anyway”. Stephanie doesn’t see herself as a ballerina since she’s gravely klutzy. And she does not want to be old. We think it’ll leverage her current biases and get the rest of the shirts back into rotation. The expectation is we cut down on closet-stare in approximately four weeks. We invite all feedback.
INITIATION: Who’s going to initiate this? This is the first I’m hearing about it.
CLOTHING BIAS: Our team reached out to SELF-TALK because of their success with the Wrinkles Are My Friends project.
SELF-TALK: I’ll chime in here. We’ve created a protocol for Scoop Necks and plan to launch it this Friday in time for dinner with her friends. Those folks dress in athleisure so a non-scoop would be appropriate. What we see looming on the horizon, though, is this issue with snacks. We notice a creep setting in. This could grow into something unfortunate. My department would rather deal with this issue sooner, if possible. Anyone want to speak to that?
SNACKS: I will. Currently, Stephanie sits in front of her computer all day, and this makes her antsy. The snacks help to mitigate the never-ending constancy, according to RATIONALE.
CEO: Can you give us a rundown of the types of snacks, SNACKS?
SNACKS: There’re rice bars, rice chips, rice cakes, rice treats, and chocolate.
BODYFAT: Chocolate??
SNACKS: It’s the leading source for re-engagement in her work. We try to educate around nutrition, but DESIRE and RATIONALE make the final call on this kind of thing.
RATIONALE: Not to state the obvious, but chocolate is delicious. Let me screen share a video of what MOUTH does when she puts even a tiny piece of dark chocolate in there. [video plays] As you can see, this is the kind of experience you want to repeat to make life worth it. Am I right?
DESIRE: We couldn’t agree more.
BODYFAT: We’ll be lodging a formal complaint early tomorrow. We had no idea this was going on.
CEO: Alright, let’s move on. Can we address the Kristin Wiig debacle? I don’t know how this happened, but it can’t happen again. Where do we start?
CLUELESS: I’ll go. My team works hard to strike a balance between knowing and not knowing — clearly skewing to not knowing. This was our position when we gave the green light to Stephanie to do her Kristin Wiig imitation at the checkout line in Target. I just want to remind everyone that Stephanie isn’t the first one to do this in a Target store.
COMMONSENSE: I could see her doing Wiig’s Target Lady in Target, but she didn’t stop there. Once the checkout employee started to laugh, she kept going with the Wiig imitations. Can I mention the elephant in the room here? Stephanie is not a comedian!
JUDGMENT: She’s no Kristin Wiig.
MORTIFICATION: Look, my department takes the hit for this stuff. The moment the store manager escorted her out of Target, all hell broke loose in my office.
CEO: Let me step in here. It looks like we need a full report from all departments on this. Once I review it, I’ll let you know where we stand. Some of that comedic energy could be used to convince her husband the dishwasher offers eternal happiness when you put a dish in it.
FACE: Let’s move on. We have a quick assessment to share on the blooming chin whisker. It looks like she hasn’t had the opportunity to sit at a traffic light lately, and this is protocol for plucking out all facial hair — in the car’s visor mirror. Can MEMORY please step it up for once and follow through on this on the next trip to the store?
MORTIFICATION: But not Target.
MEMORY: What’s the deal with Target again?
RATIONALE: I’d like to bring up the yard leaves. It’s our position the leaves can be put off, just as Stephanie has been doing. There’s too much overhead in locating garden gloves, mud shoes, and socks. Bagging of leaves should be bagged.
DECISIONS: Whatever the firm decides to do, we’ll support it. Leaves, no leaves. When they pile up, though, it becomes an even harder project to tackle.
MOUTH: This is where chocolate comes in. We hope.
CEO: Alright, let’s break out into meeting rooms, folks. I think we covered a lot. Next week we’ll figure out what to do about her maniacal response to flying bugs in the house. It’s unseemly, though I choose that over the Wiig imitations any day. Keep up the good work. Remember our motto. Work hard — eventually, she’ll sleep.
Thanks to Amy Sea for editing this. In exchange, my team has agreed to manage Amy for next week. Why she thinks this is a good idea, I have no clue.
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