How To Not Let Your Emotions Get The Best Of You

By choosing to respond

We all have been in situations where we acted in a way we didn’t want to and regretted it later; said something nasty to someone to level the score only to feel sorry about it afterward; jumped to conclusions and told someone off, only to realize that we judged the person/situation wrongly.

I found myself in a similar situation recently, where I was about to say something I knew I would regret later; only this time I handled things differently and came out of it empowered.

A few days ago, I called up an estranged relative after a long time. We once used to be very close, but I kind of started keeping her at a distance after I became aware of her toxic side. During our conversation, she made several attempts to pull me down and even called me heartless at one point.

As she was making these passive-aggressive comments, I felt this deep urge to hit back with a snide comment of my own, but then I asked myself — do I want to be that kind of person? I decided not to give her the power to make me do something I wouldn’t like to do. I also didn’t want to take things lying down, so instead, I responded to her comments by asking her directly why she called me heartless when she knew that was not true. She completely changed her tone after that and played nice for the rest of the call.

By choosing not to react, I didn’t let my emotions get the best of me and the situation become worse. I also let them know about how I felt, by responding calmly.

Responding vs Reacting

“Peace does not mean an absence of conflicts; differences will always be there. Peace means solving these differences through peaceful means; through dialogue, education, knowledge; and through humane ways.” -Dalai Lama

We all know Newton’s Third Law of Motion which states that “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction”. Hence, a reaction is always dependent on the action. We are reacting to something said/done by others. It is not premeditated, it is an involuntary reflex action or in simpler terms, something which we do “without thinking”. As psychologists state “it’s driven by the beliefs, biases, and prejudices of the unconscious mind”, which means there is no thinking involved by the conscious mind when we are reacting to a situation or a person. We are just defending ourselves, from the potential danger as we perceive them based on our previous experiences, without truly assessing if the threat is real.

A response on the other hand is thought out solution to a situation. It’s an answer to other’s actions which includes your consideration of how you want to behave and act, rather than just an instant comeback. It’s ruled by logic and mindfulness than emotion. When you are responding, you are in control of both your emotions and the situation. You are not letting yourself get sucked up in someone else’s drama and acting out. Instead, you are giving yourself and the others a chance to pause and reflect.

How to stop reacting and start responding

“You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing things with magic. True power is restraint. If words control you that means everyone else can control you. Breathe and allow things to pass.”

― Warren Buffett

Be Mindful — The most important step to stop yourself from reacting to something is to notice when you are getting triggered and are about to react, because most of the time when we react, we act impulsively and realize things after the damage is done. Have you ever noticed the times when you suddenly snap at someone unwarrantedly, are mostly the times when you are preoccupied with some important work? It’s because you are so engaged at that moment, you don’t realize you are getting irritated by something/someone else’s call for your attention. Outbursts occur when you are not conscious of your feelings. When we are mindful of our thoughts and feelings, we know how we are going to behave next.

Take a Pause — Now, when you know how you are feeling and how you are going to act, take a pause. This is the moment between your trigger and your action, so you need to remove yourself from the situation for a few seconds to engage your “thinking mind” here. When you are triggered, your emotions hijack your mind. You need to give your emotions some time to settle down. It can be achieved either by taking a deep long breath or by walking away from the situation for a few minutes.

Play the conversation in your head first — Your emotions have settled down. Your mind has started thinking. Now think about the situation you are in and how you want to respond. Ask yourself if you are seeing things for what they really are? Are you making any assumptions or being judgemental? Be the devil’s advocate and give the other person benefit of the doubt. Come up with the questions you would like to ask them to gain more clarity. Think about all the options and then choose the most dignified response because, in the end, you are answerable for your behavior, not anyone else’s.

Keep an Open Mind — Often when we get into an argument we get so busy proving our point, we fail to see things from a different perspective. In my case, my relative was being sarcastic because she was angry at me for not being in touch with her more. She missed the old times we spent together. While that doesn’t justify her hurtful comments, I understand that she was saying those things because she herself was hurting. People do things for all sorts of reasons. While we can not change the way they behave, the least we can do is try and see from where they are coming.

Let’s be clear it’s not easy. You will not always be in control, and you will lose your cool more often than you would like. But the more you choose not to react, the easier it will get with time. Remember, it’s all about not giving anyone control over your emotions. It’s your emotions and your life, and you should be the only person to have the power to define them.

Self control is strength. Calmness is mastery. You have to get to a point where your mood doesn’t shift based on the insignificant actions of someone else. Dont allow others to control the directions of your life. Don’t allow your emotions to overpower your intelligence! — Anonymous