How to Navigate Friendships with Anxious People
Friendships with us can blossom, but they do require a little more understanding; here’s what you can do to help.
Anxiety has been part of my life for a long time, ever since I was young. It’s ebbed and flowed over the years and at different stages of my life, but it’s always been in the background, ready to creep up on me.
As a result, I’ve found it challenging to maintain friendships with people throughout my life. Until fairly recently, I used to be ashamed of my introverted nature and how I sought peace and comfort in my own company — rather than that of others. After all, societal standards and norms tell us this is weird — right?
The pandemic has been awful in many respects, but the alone time for me has been a blessing in disguise. But dealing with the endless Zoom call requests and heightened social interaction has caused me to become more reclusive. As we’re all sitting at home, there’s no ‘real’ excuse for not being able to pick up a call or reply to a text. But it’s all so exhausting. When the world goes to pot, all I want to do is curl up in my own shell and escape from the world.
But why should I have to justify this? Does it mean I’m a ‘bad’ friend because I can’t stomach the energy to reach out to others?
In a recent article, debut author Naoise Dolan reflected on her pandemic, socialising, and friendships experience. Although offering thoughts from an autism perspective, I related to what she said on a lot of levels,
“That said, 2020 was for me, as for everyone, an unambiguously terrible year. I wish I could see socialising as a source of comfort. But I can’t. For me it’s more stress, anxiety and fear that I’m doing everything wrong. That’s not my friends’ fault.”
Reading this caused me to reflect a great deal on friendships and maintain them as somebody who suffers from anxiety and who is extremely introverted.
It has to be said that these words of advice are drawn from my own experience of anxiety. I’m not claiming my experience is universal. Still, I hope it sheds some light on understanding the condition and understanding how to strengthen friendships with people who suffer from it.
Understanding How Anxiety Can Affect Friendships
People with anxiety can often come across as rude, defensive or unreliable when it comes to friendships. We may cancel plans at the last minute, change our minds like clockwork, or say the wrong thing due to our minds working at one hundred miles an hour.
Or we may do none of this and forget to reach out to you or reply to a message multiple times. None of this means we are bad people or cannot maintain friendships — it just requires more understanding of what it’s like to live in our heads. Not all, but many anxiety sufferers are also introverts, which means we have to spend a significant time with ourselves to recharge. We find constant socialising exhausting and will often feel drained just a few hours into a social event.
As a result, we may decline plans, go home early or opt to spend an evening with ourselves. It’s who we are. It’s not you or our friendship going in the bin, but us looking out for our own wellbeing when we respond in this way.
But anxiety sufferers and introverts also love and value friendships of all kinds. We’re not recluses who live on the fringe of society, but people who find navigating relationships with people difficult for various reasons. We overthink, catastrophise, and over analyse every situation, reaction, or statement. We need that time alone to recharge and not have to deal with the constant battle in our heads.
And that needs to be understood by all parties involved when it comes to friendships, friendship groups and relationships of all kinds. Here are some steps you can take to understand or deepen your friendship with somebody with an anxiety disorder.
Abandon Toxic Positivity and “Good Vibes Only” Within the Friendship Circle
If you suffer from anxiety, you’ll probably hate talking about yourself more than anything. But what’s worse is when you honestly say how you feel, only to be pushed aside for turning the conversation sour or taking a downer on things. But the reality is, this doesn’t provide a safe space for important conversations, and it only turns the person with anxiety into a problem — which they already probably think they are.
Friendships are based on trust and understanding, so to improve your relationship with somebody who has anxiety, you need to provide a space for them to vent when it matters. Of course, we want everything to be blue skies and are always afraid of dampening the mood, but we also want to be real with you about how we feel.
And sometimes, part of getting through that is acknowledging our thoughts, dwelling on our sadness or anxiety to work through it instead of burying our emotions in the sand. So when we do open up to you, one of the worst things you can do is say things like “you need to keep positive” or “being negative won’t help you.”
Here’s what you can do instead
- Provide us with a space to vent whatever we are feeling — and listen without interruption
- Accept that sometimes things are bad, and for us to get through them, we need to accept them rather than dismissing them to stay ‘positive’
- Help us work through difficulties by giving us this space and trust
It’s hard enough to open up about your true feelings, only to be told to “just stay positive.” But saying phrases like these make us feel like our problems are irrelevant. But more worryingly, it encourages us to believe our feelings aren’t valid when they are.
Being friends with anxious people is understanding when to listen and provide us with a space to vent — if we want to. More broadly, friendships aren’t always going to be pretty, so subscribing to a sense of toxic positivity helps no one.
Don’t Place Expectations on Us to Return Calls or Texts Constantly
Anxiety sufferers already over analyse everything — and yes, I mean everything. Even with some of my closest friends, I come away from conversations dwelling on the things I’ve said and wonder if I’ve caused offence.
With this mindset — we already worry about what we’re going to say in response to a text or prefer to remain quiet during calls or Zooms because we don’t know the best way to respond. Or a way to respond that will make us feel less anxious. But we will almost always worry about what we’ve just said.
We’ve all become more reliant on texts during the pandemic, chatting over messenger, calls and Zooms because of the restrictions on us. But the reality is, the weight of the world can already feel too much. This, combined with our anxiety, can make it feel like too much to even respond to a text. We find it draining, uncomfortable, and not a priority when going through a bad patch.
But this never means we don’t like you if we don't pick up or fail to reply on days on end. It just means that we perhaps don't know what to say, have stuff going on, or are protecting ourselves from the anxiety that responding can sometimes bring.
You can help us by not reacting negatively to how long it takes us to respond, be respectful when we decline a call, don’t say why (because we don't need a reason), and not place expectations on us to reply to everything. Just know that all of this is never because we dislike you or want to start a feud — more often than not — it’s because of who we are.
Last year, when I unexpectedly lost my brother, I found myself inundated with texts, messages and requests to call to check in to see how I was. Of course, it was lovely, and I always appreciated the thought. But having the weight of having to respond to everyone whilst I was going through the hardest stage of grief was really hard. As well as this, I didn’t know what to say to people, and I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to be by myself and process it.
Silence from us doesn’t mean we are trying to be difficult or trying to tell you we don’t like you. It may be for a range of reasons that we choose to do this. Personally, I often do this when I am trying to process things (because being on my own is the only way I can get through it), or I’m feeling emotionally drained, or I want to prevent myself from the anxiety that usually comes when I respond to anything.
It’s important to give us some peace of mind and treat us with understanding. You should always know that it is never your fault when we choose to be quiet or not respond to calls or messages.
Do Not Use Social Media as an Indicator of How Strong Our Friendship Is
Social media is another realm altogether, and one that is difficult to navigate for all of us, but even more so for people who struggle with anxiety. For me, social media taps into the comparison mindset and often causes me to spiral into catastrophising about how rubbish my own life is — when really it isn’t at all.
As a result, I have to take frequent breaks from it, and some days, or even weeks, I’m not on it at all. In this respect — I miss quite a lot of stuff. It’s possible I won’t see your latest post, Tweet or Instagram story and won’t respond. It’s not because I don’t support you, like you or want to help you out — it’s purely because I’m taking time off social media and the sheer mental exhaustion that being online can bring.
Additionally, likes and comments on social media really aren’t that deep. They shouldn’t serve as a means to demonstrate how strong a friendship is because social media isn’t real life. It’s a reflection that highlights all the golden bits. If you’re using how much your friend ‘likes’ your posts as an indicator of how loyal they are, then you need to have serious conversations with yourself. Likes are essentially meaningless and take no time to give out at all.
What matters is being there for our friends, trusting them, and providing each other with spaces to vent (if and when we want them) — not how regularly we engage with their Instagram story or how many likes we give out.
Don’t Place Pressure on Us to Attend Every plan
Social events plans and occasions fill me with dread, regardless of how big or small they are or how far I’m told in advance. If I have something coming up that week, I’ll spend a significant amount of my energy agonizing over it until the event actually happens. It can be exhausting.
When you have a job that relies on you spending eight hours of the day interacting with strangers, being nice and putting on a front that isn’t you — sometimes the last thing you want to do is go on a call or attend an event. As an introvert who also has anxiety, I find this particularly challenging during ‘normal’ life, as it can be hard to understand if you are someone who thrives off socialising.
But this is the year of saying no and putting ourselves first. If you feel drained that day and want to spend some time at home and recharging, that’s always valid. Therefore, we may decline plans and sometimes at the last minute. Don’t make us feel bad or unworthy when we do so — as it’s just how we are. Being friends with us requires understanding and patience, and the knowledge that sometimes we need to be alone for many reasons.
When we decline the opportunity to spend time with you — were not declining you — but the sense of exhaustion that can come with social interaction. Overstimulating environments can cause us anxiety and sleepless nights and may make us feel uncomfortable; it pays to give a second thought to that when trying to make plans with us.
Always Give Us Time and Space to Be alone
For some anxiety sufferers, being alone may exuberate their feelings and cause more problems. But for me, having plenty of time alone to process my thoughts and anything I’m going through is essential. If I’m ever going to talk about something with someone else, I can’t just go in head first; I have to process it myself beforehand.
Talking to our closest friends about what we are going through can often bring more anxiety and trepidation than it does to work through it on our own. Just because we don’t reach out to you when we’re struggling, it doesn’t mean we don’t value the friendship or trust you — but that dealing with our own issues in our own time is far less draining.
This feeds into the above point, but anxiety sufferers and introverts especially need plenty of space. Don’t overcrowd us or place unachievable demands on us to go everywhere and do everything all of the time. We are more than happy to socialise, but remember, for those who suffer from social anxiety specifically, packed bars, restaurants and clubs aren’t our idea of a good time.
Instead, please make an effort to do something like the following activities with us (outside of Covid restrictions, of course.)
- Meet up in a quiet cafe for brunch or coffee
- Go for a walk and have a picnic
- Catch a movie
- Go for dinner in a quiet restaurant
All of these things will be less overstimulating than getting us to go to a crowded pub or bar. These spaces and socialising opportunities give us the essential space to breathe and talk to you one to one. Our minds will be less likely to focus on everything going on around us, and we’ll be more present with you.
Anxiety, introversion and long-lasting friendships can go hand in hand, but it does take a little more effort. Those with social anxiety or who like to spend time with themselves aren’t recluses or hermits, but maintaining friendships with us requires more understanding.
Socialising can be an exhausting and a difficult feat for us, and whilst we love people and having friendships, they can feel emotionally draining at times. If we decline an event, fail to reply to your message or don't want to pick up the phone, it is not a reflection of our opinion of you — but a way in which we cope with the stress and anxiety of what’s going through our heads.
The key to being friends with someone who suffers from anxiety and who may be inclined towards intorversion is patience, plenty of space, and honesty.
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