Relationships

How to Move from Madness to Maturity in Your Marriage

We argued more in lockdown. This is how I found room for improvement after an argument at IKEA.

This pandemic has been crazy, which is an understatement, to say the least. Despite the chaos, my wife and I had to leave our rented studio apartment and look for cheaper accommodation. It wasn’t easy for us, as we wanted a better financial situation due to the fact that I lost my 9–5 to the pandemic.

In addition to readjusting our lives like many people, we also noticed that we had been arguing more since being in lockdown.

Couples have differences—this is normal in any healthy relationship. However, it was quite out of character for us to argue as much as we were after the onset of the pandemic.

Before we got married, we used to resolve disagreements with an understanding gaze at each other and an apology. Now, two years in and living in a studio apartment, we noticed how these disagreements would flare up, fuel our frustrations, and quickly turn into a heated argument.

My wife would start with something like:

“You left the light on in the bathroom again.”

And I would respond, “Why are you always watching to see if I’ve left the light on or off, it’s like you’re a prison warden…. or something.”

I would find myself using a prison reference in many of our arguments during the lockdown.

Living in a confined space is not the best scenario for a couple who is arguing daily. I guess the only blessing was that there wasn’t much space to throw things at each other.

I told you that our arguments were heated.

During evening meals where I made dinner (don’t get me started), the smell would consume the entire apartment (I won’t even mention the fragrance from the toilet.)

Let’s just leave that there, shall we.

We were at our lowest point because it was the height of the lockdown and we couldn’t even go outside.

There were moments during our arguments where my wife would say, “I’m not talking to you,” and I would turn my head to the ceiling and say, “There is a God.”

I would say this to myself, of course.

We both started to question why we were arguing so much. I mean, we had only been married for two years and we were generally doing fine.

The truth is, we were getting on each other’s nerves.

Money can obviously be the bone of contention in any relationship, but we both agreed that we were not motivated to argue by money. We love each other based on our personalities, not by who controls the purse strings (I don’t have a purse, but you get the picture).

We were sick of renting a studio and having no space for our relationship. Then an opportunity came up for us to move and we took a leap of faith without looking back.

A Room with a View

When we saw the size of the new apartment, we couldn’t believe our eyes. I mean the front room alone was as big as the entire studio apartment we had been in.

The bedroom was enormous and there was a separate bathroom with a walk-in shower. It had everything that we dreamed of, including a balcony.

It was quite an old apartment, but we found that old apartments have high ceilings and better characters. But it didn’t come furnished with enough chairs or a suitable table… so, we went furniture shopping.

The Lion, The Bitch, and the Side Cupboard

My wife was born under the horoscope sign of Leo.

What does this mean?

My wife is just like a cat — a true lioness, and with everything associated with cat-like behaviour.

She is independent, playful, and your best companion when she wants something. Oh yes, she can be the great protector, like the Egyptian goddess Sekhmet.

But Laaawd have mercy, if she doesn’t get her own way — she can be a real tiger.

I mean claws out and everything and you just became lunch.

Testimony to this fact is my experience when we went to the furniture store called IKEA.

I will preface this part by saying I love the IKEA store.

Let me say it again because I can’t express how much I love that store. I luuurve IKEA. Not only do they have great furniture, which is contemporary, but it also has a great shopping experience, great customer service, and it’s within also everyone’s taste and budget.

OK, so you have to assemble the furniture yourself when you get home, but that’s strategic thinking. When people construct something themselves, they begin to have a sense of accomplishment. Having the feeling that you built something is part of the appeal.

If IKEA just had the furniture experience, then I could stop there, but have you tasted the food in their restaurant?

When I tasted their lamb and mashed potatoes, or their meatballs, I thought that it could rival many restaurants. Let’s not talk about the crunchy chocolate dessert on offer, too. OK then, let’s!

The crunchy chocolate dessert has a texture that they could easily sell it in supermarkets and call it Smooth gold in your mouth, or Iconic IKEA cake and people would buy it.

My wife often says that I look for reasons to go to IKEA just so I can eat the food.

Anyway, back to furniture.

Our plan was to get a sofa bed because we were thinking about the times when our friends wanted to visit or when our parents wanted to stay.

On our second visit to IKEA this month, we saw a sofa bed to die for. It was the kind of sofa bed that you can transform just by pulling a couple of handles. It was the Rolls Royce of sofa beds. It also had great storage for pillows and the fabric on the sofa was so soft that it put our own bed to shame.

We agreed to buy it, but we also needed two side tables to go either side of our bed, obviously in the bedroom (I can say that now because we have one).

Upon going into the store, I did what I normally do when I go shopping for furniture or gadgets. Yes, I went crazy.

Everything looked incredible and I said, “Oh look, baby, we can get this one, and that one and that goes with this.”

My wife looked at me disappointingly as she said:

“You said you weren’t going to go crazy this time. You are dangerous with money.”

I sulked for a bit but then a little light shined on me.

No, seriously — a light literally shined on me because we were in the light section and I was excited.

There were lots of unique designs, small lights, tall lights, and never-have-I-ever-seen-this-before lights. I told my wife that we can get all this stuff if we look at the payment plan on offer.

At the customer service desk, I enquired about credit and after asking many questions, I had a strong sense that we would qualify. My wife just sat there giving me the silent treatment, and the evil (cat) eye.

Alas, we couldn’t get the credit.

I held my head low and I was a little sad, then my wife hit the roof.

She said, “You were about to put us in debt because you wanted to get things that we can’t afford?”

Then she said things that I couldn’t understand, mainly because my wife is Brazilian, and she was talking in Portuguese. All I know is that it didn’t sound like words of encouragement.

I thought, “Oh here we go, welcome to another episode of man vs. lioness.” I knew by the tone of her voice that it would be an argument like we used to have in the studio apartment.

I seriously thought that we had migrated from that kind of energy, but this wasn’t about furniture.

This was about us.

Spillage in Aisle 3!

In my head, my wife was being unreasonable. I thought we wanted to purchase furniture as a joint decision.

I thought that we discussed this the previous day. I didn’t understand what I was missing. Or what I did wrong.

I couldn’t even begin to answer these questions because my wife doesn’t hold back when she’s mad at me, especially in public.

Many times I have to say to her: “Would you keep your voice down, please, people are looking.”

Shouting never solved anything and the more I asked her to shush, the louder she became.

That particular shopping experience was a disaster, and we went home without saying a word to each other. My wife was obviously not happy and whenever my wife isn’t happy, neither am I.

It did, however, inspire me to look at what happiness looks like in a relationship from the experts. When we got home that evening, I looked at several authorities on the subject of happiness because I wanted to stop these arguments.

We literally wanted something to remind us of the joyful times we once had and find anything to help us resolve these heated differences.

I found articles that were quite interesting, for example, “9 bad habits that Could Ruin Your Marriage” and books like “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin.

These articles and books provided actionable tools that echoed very similar perspectives. But I must admit that I was getting burned out by the overwhelming advice on what makes people innately happy.

If the statement Happy wife, happy life was anything to go by, then I wanted to see if this could be helpful to our situation.

I started to see repeated articles with these types of intros:

“9 simple steps to a better marriage,”

“8 easy reasons for this…”

“7 steps to improve that…”

“6 proven ways for…”

I was expecting the next article to say “5 Golden Rings,” because the information was well-presented and wrapped like a Christmas gift for couples.

I did further research where studies showed that marriage is a key factor in achieving happiness. How could this be true, when I had friends that were single and very happy?

I started to think that happiness is quite subjective.

Then I found something that actually worked called “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by Dr. John Gottman.

This was exactly what I was looking for — John Gottman includes accountability and seeing things from your partner's perspective, which really hit home for me.

I reflected upon this and looked at how to better interact with my wife. That’s when I connected the dots because all the material that I was reading led to my invested interest in self-awareness and perspective.

I discovered that having a better look at my marriage must begin with having a better view of myself.

All the information prior to John Gottman’s book pointed to an ethos of do this, and you will get this result. What became clear to me is that happiness in a relationship is a journey and an invitation to share that journey.

It also showed me how to look at both our imperfections and how we can be imperfect together.

We applied the lessons learned from Dr. Gottman and saw this as an opportunity to do one thing:

Take responsibility for how we want all our future arguments to play out.

The Cat That Got the Dream

Since our argument in IKEA, it highlighted who we were as people inside our relationship.

My wife and I were on good terms again and I thought to act quickly while the going was good.

We saw a major shift in our perspective of what our relationship should be. I discovered that conversations between my wife and I made her happier and we felt connected.

I started to sit down with my wife and talk to her.

These days we make sure that we set aside time to have breakfast, lunch, and dinner together. I ask her about her day even though she works from home, in quarantine with me.

I am genuinely interested in her version of the day. She responds with full conversation and happily engages. What a concept!

We are closer and more connected than before.

You see, happiness backed by science and authors on the subject is great, but the real truth is that you have to accept your own truth in your relationship.

And what is that?

For us, it was having the ability to face oneself and be willing to relate to each other, along with all of the fears, doubts, and insecurities.

Happiness is such a general term. I have come to realise that we shouldn’t only look for happiness in a relationship because it’s more about this:

The commitment of seeking harmony.

I Got Your Back…Your Front, and Your Sides!

I was reminded that we are a team.

When you are wrong in an argument it takes courage to admit that you are wrong. It doesn’t mean that you should give in; far from it. However, holding on to your point of view shows that you are not willing to be flexible.

You don’t need to back down. It’s about backing up your commitment to seek resolution.

There have been countless times that my wife and I argued, and then the next day I thought that I could have handled it better.

I can admit when I was oversensitive, or if I’ve read something the wrong way, or if I was just simply being a complete ass.

Move Out Your Own Way

My wife and I come from two different cultures, with different ideas, languages, desires, and backgrounds. As I mentioned, she is Brazilian, and I am a proud Londoner. Sometimes it’s bewildering because there is a lot of chemistry in these attracting polar opposites.

Though we are different, we are also insanely similar in other ways.

For example, my wife and I both have a weird sense of humour.

She gets my version of comedy and often I look at her when she finds something wickedly funny and I say, “Baby, you are sick… and I like it.”

When we started to have open discussions and be totally transparent, we both knew that confrontation was not what we set out to achieve.

We aimed for harmony.

You will be well on your way to a successful relationship when you discover that an argument is just a word meaning “to settle a point of view.”

As I mentioned earlier, Dr. John Gottman is the author of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work”. We learned these principles by studying them in the three parts that he details for making any relationship a success.

These fundamentals outlined here really impacted our relationship. Here’s how we applied them.

Part 1: Make a Love Map

Gottman starts by looking at making an internal road map of your partner's perspective. This builds the quality of friendship by looking at your partner's wants, needs, dreams, and desires. You will feel better connected once you learn what stresses them out or what’s exciting to them. Having this friendship is an entry into their world and what your partner values most.

We got each other’s point of view by asking questions. The fundamental value of asking open-ended questions is that they are a gateway to connect and diminish conflict.

“How would you like our life to look in the future?”

He reminds us that people usually are making statements and not asking each other enough questions. Questions help build better love maps.

Part 2: Build Fondness and Admiration

Better connections are made through communication affection and respect. Gottman suggests that simply saying thank you develops a culture of appreciation. But you can take this further to great effect.

Saying words like “I really admire you and I respect you” naturally shows that you appreciate your partner.

He also suggests practices like listing and sharing three things about your partner's personality which you find positive.

Part 3: Turn Toward Each Other, Instead of Away

There is an emotional disconnect when we ignore our partner, especially if we turn our back or don’t acknowledge when our partner is talking. Not only is it disrespectful, but it also gives the partner reason to believe that we are not interested.

By simply turning toward your partner, you are signalling that you are giving your full attention. Gottman calls it a bid for attention, which shows support rather than choosing to display a lack of connection and rejection.

Being attentive instead of dismissive in an argument helps you regulate the conflict.

I really like the fact that Dr. Gottman mentions how most problems don’t get solved in a relationship; people just adapt to them.

Gottman talks quite interestingly about the ability to move from gridlock to dialogue. “Gridlock” is where neither person arguing is flexible enough to move in any direction. This causes a stalemate, and the alternative to this gridlock is to become a Dreamcatcher.

By asking questions like “How do you want to resolve this?”, you will find out what underlying reasons your partner was so fixed in the first place.

Your partner can then explore a better view of their dream of seeking a resolution.

My Final View

So, do my wife and I argue on the same level that we used to in the studio apartment?

You bet your life we do!

The thing is, my wife and I both agreed that there won’t always be sunshine and rainbows between us, but we don’t expect that, either.

However, we now move out of arguments quicker and start on the road towards being happier, thanks to the lessons learned here.

We applied the tools from Dr. Gottman, and they work for us. I place great emphasis on the words “work for us” because that’s, poetically, what a marriage should be — continually worked on.

We didn’t buy the original things we wanted from IKEA that day. We didn’t get the side cupboard or the sofa bed that we had discussed.

But the more important thing is that we realised our conflict was never about furniture. Instead, it was about how to make room for the little things in our relationship, like giving each other comfort and support.

There is true power in moving away from your own self-interest, self-indulgence, and selfishness. At the end of the day, the relationship part of a marriage is often overlooked in that you must relate.

Shopping for furniture is a real test for any couple.

When you walk around a store and communicate how to best furnish your life together, you get the chance to set the table for a lifetime of learning, instead of a relationship that sits on the shelf.

A couple that shops in IKEA together stays together. If they work at it.