How to Mind the Gaps, Which are the Losses in Our Lives

Grieving our losses for too long is not the best way to live

I have been to London several times and took the underground (subway), to different points in the city. When the train’s doors opened, a voice instructed me to “Mind the Gap.” I was to take note of the space between the train and the station’s platform. This phrase, “Mind the Gap,” reminded me that I must pay attention to other “gaps” in life. Surely, I would have other gaps of more consequence than exiting a train.

The death of a family member or friend is a “gap” maker, but there are other “gaps” to grieve over. Sometimes it is the loss of a job or a career. A changed life situation or a close friend abandons us. Most of us find where we are and where we want to be, separated by a gap in life. Whether we are aware or not, we will grapple with this disparity. This is especially true as we age in retirement.

My example of one big gap maker in my life

Fifty-six years is not a long time to live. The loss of Betty, my mother. Her tombstone reads: 1909–1965. I thought I would always have my mother. It never crossed my mind our family would have this experience the day after Christmas in 1965. We would stand by her grave saying our last good-byes. I was 24 years old when my mother’s death created a gap in my life.

It took me years of grieving her loss to move on with my life.

Why?

We idolize or demonize the person, place, or thing we lost

Why did I grieve so long about my mother? In my mind, she could do no wrong. She was a saint of the highest order, and she had no faults. My oldest sister clued me in on my enshrinement of my mother. What a rude awaking. She told me our mother was not perfect. She was human, as we are, my sister informed me. Puff, my grieving stopped. Sure my mother was good but perfect, not so much.

When we idolize the person we bury, it makes the ‘gap’ wider so we can’t seem to cross over. What is possible becomes impossible to us, and it prolongs our Grief.

What we need is an accurate picture of the who, what or thing we no longer have

When we lose a spouse or sibling, we love, we eulogize the person above their humanness.

The opposite is true. Our tendency is to demonize the person, place, or thing we lost. We lost a job we loved, an unfaithful spouse, or even a friend who turned against us. Believe it or not, this is not an accurate picture of the boss we hated. Nor is it the spouse who walked away. Even the friend who deserted us was not all bad. The longer we hold on to these dreadful, erroneous thoughts, the more our Grief will last.

I like what Terri Irwin, the widow of Steve Irwin of The Crocodile Hunter fame, said about how to manage grief. After all, she has experienced grief.

Grief is never something you get over. You don’t wake up one morning and say, ‘I’ve conquered that; now I’m moving on.’ It’s something that walks beside you every day. And if you can learn how to manage it and honor the person that you miss, you can take something that is incredibly sad and have some form of positivity.

Let’s recap on minding the gaps in life

• We can manage our Grief, as palpable as it is.
• Remember the truth about who or what we lost.
• As long as we idolize the person, place, or thing we lost, Grief, will keep its grip.
• Demonizing the person, place, or something of the past will lengthen our Grief.
• Gaps in life are normal.
• We manage the grief process when we emphasize the truth above our disappointments.

I admit, grieving is hard. I’m sure you have had many losses, and none are easy, but our losses should not determine our outlook on life. The sun will rise again, and we can turn our mourning into joy.

Yes, we can learn to ‘mind the gaps’ in our lives and move into our future. Believe me, I am in no way minimizing your grief. But remember, we do have a life to live.

“Memento vita” — remember that I still have a life to live.

Thank you, Richard.

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